Emotional support for a "2 b" newbe

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Emotional support for a "2 b" newbe
2
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 5:22pm
Ok, I'm not yet divorced or even separated. I've visited all the other sites I should've by now but I need real life support from people who have "been there done that" with kids. I am the mom of a 2.5 yr old and a 4 yr old, both boys. Both IDOLIZE their daddy and who I have to say is a great dad. With that said, he is a bad husband...and I just can't deal with the drama of it all anymore. I have already mentioned the leaving, etc to him and in therapy and he is trying but I just don't think it is enough for me and I need to move on. My problem with that is...he has already made comments before about "if you think you're taking the boys then think again. Just call daycare and get them back in (I SAH)and then just go get a job because they will be staying with me, I can't stand to lose them. They are my life. You can see them on the weekends since you've had your at home time with them" And with that said, he is the boys life too. He plays baseball with them all the time, and goes for walks and blah blah blah. And they get sad when Daddy has to work his second job and they can't get hugs from him before bed or if we go somewhere during the day and daddy isn't with us. I get comments like "I sure wish daddy was here too"
Also, my plan has been to move in with my dad. He told me we could go there in a heartbeat and he would do his best to help as long as he could which is great. It doesn't put me in a situation where I will have to find and pay for an apartment right away. I wanted to leave H with the apartment since it is near his office plus, he has no one to go stay with, no family or friends that really have the space or the location he needs for work. And my kids don't really like my dads, for the biggest reason that they are afraid of dogs and my dad has a med size dog. That is about it, well that and the fact that he has no real PLAY stuff like most grandparents houses but if we were their my dad said I could turn the basement into a play room so that would be a non-issue but just the mental bullxxxx. All of the stuff that goes along with having two young kids.
I just need the emotional ok to know my boys will get thru it and so will my H for that matter.
My emotional issues of wanting the boys to be the least effected as possible is what keeps me with my H. Knowing he is there for him and they are their for him is what makes me suck it up and deal with everything and I've finally put on my big girl pants and made some decisons but I'm having problems dealing with the unknown I guess. I'm starting to ramble I think and make little sense of things so I'll end it here hoping for advice. Thanks!
~helpformenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:38am

Do not let your soon to be x bully you. He does not get to call the shots. He does not get to determine that you would only have them weekends. He may ask for and get 50 - 50 but seeing that you have been the primary caregiver he probably won't get more than that. You say he has been a great dad and that is fantastic, but from what you describe he has mainly been involved in the "fun" stuff of parenting. Playing baseball, going on walks, other kinds of entertainment. That is not all there is to parenting. Do you own the house jointly? If so, you do not necessarily have to move out. As far as there being no "play stuff" at your dads, take it with you. Not all of it but half. You have been a sahm but you are still entitled to 50% of the the assets. I would definitely withdraw enought money to hire a good family law attorney. Don't withdraw more than 1/2 of what is in the accounts. While you are still in the house, make copies of all pertinent documents, retirement account statements, any financial statements, deed to the house, any valuations on the house, insurance policies, etc. Finally, even if he gets 50-50 if you make less money than him, he may still have to pay you child support. Also, if you have been home a period of time he may have to pay you alimony until you get retrained and working, or update your degree, whatever needs to be done.

Please get an attorney and have them advise you. Unfortunately possession is 9/10ths of the law. If you act in haste and move out to make things easier you could put yourself in a bad position later. Your attorney should also be able to assist you with temporary custody issues. Here is a scenario if you just move out - you move out and take the kids to dads without their belongings. Dad is entitled to see them and you definitely want him to see them. He picks them up and refuses to return them. Then dad claims to his attorney and the court that you abandoned them when you left him and the children at the marital residence.Dad claims the kids are happy as clams in the only home they have known all their short lives. Dad gets primary custody - you get visitation. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN.

Good Luck,

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 11:42am

THANK YOU! This is EXACTLY what I needed!
First off, we rent...we do not own. We are the perpetual savers for a home. We have plenty in savings but nothing to show for it besides a bank account or 2, hehe. We each own a car so I'm no worried about car payments and all that jazz. So as for splitting the home asset, not an issue. Our marriage counselor, when I was seeing her alone discussing the split, she doesn't seem to think we would need lawyers, just an arbitraitor and I'm iffy on it. I "think" H won't give me any issues but like you said in your scenario, you just never know what they will do when put in a corner, but I don't want to dump money into a lawyer if I don't need to.

It is all so sucky...the whole situation. I am from a long term married family tree, no divorce as far as the eye can see except for one uncle 3 years ago who got re-married soon after his divorce. And everyone was AMAZED he could do it after all these years but now, I'll be the little newbe of the family to blacken the tree I guess. So all this is so new to me and no one to really guide me. I think I've done ok getting copies...there are still a few I need to get but I have to do it when H isn't around or when I'm watching other kids. I do that 2 days a week which is another reason I'm having a hard time leaving. Unfortunately I feel obligated to give them 2 weeks notice but how do you let them know before H that you are leaving? And what if I say I'm just not taking kids anymore and they mention it to H?

I have only been a SAHM for 9 months...since Jan 1st of this year. So I'm not real worried about re-entering the working world but the reason I stayed home is because we just couldn't afford daycare with us working. It didn't make fiscal sense for more than half of my pay to be going to daycare. And with that said...my dad's home is 45 min away from where we live now and I don't have daycare on Fri where they used to be and no place for them near dad's. I'd have to look into all that. Dad is early retired now so I'm sure he could help here and there but my little one isn't even potty trained yet and my dad has never changed a diaper in his life, I'm sure he could handle it but you know.

As for H...he helps with the other stuff too...the diaper changes and baths and disciplin, etc. The only thing he isn't big on is swapping out kids clothing and pcking diaper bags up for the day. Will he if he had to, yes. So he is good with that too.

Anyway...thank you so much Tina for your guidance! It is TRULY appreciated when all I seem to be able to think about is my 2 babies and their happiness instead of my own. It is so hard to see that ever being something I would think about.
~helpformenow