An emotional wreck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
An emotional wreck
9
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:26am

Hi. My name is April. Im 24, and am going through a divorce. I am not happy about it but I had no choice. How do I get used to being alone? How do I get used to the cold lonely nights? I hate this. I have a 5 y/o daughter, that is mine, and a 7 y/o stepson. My daughter seems ok with our new life, my step son is having a hard time with it but is getting better, but I can't go to sleep at night with out crying, if I can go to sleep at all, I bought a bottle of my husbands soap and deoderant and smell it constantly and rub it on some of my husbands old t-shirts and it helps me sometimes but it's still cold and lonely at night and quiet during the day. I hate life without my husband. We were married for 4 years.

On March 18th my daughter told me my husband had been molesting her. I called the police and they took us to the Children's Justice Center where it was confirmed. They told me this has been going on for a while. He only touched my daughter and showed both the kids porno's and pornographic materials. So I left my husband that day. I got restraining orders against him and still waiting for the District Attorney to file charges and arrest him. I talked to the DA yesterday and he says it will be done by the end of the week. I told him something needed to be done. It's been 5 weeks and 3 days. My divorce is already filed but my husband's attorney will not contact my attorney to set up mediation.

I know I probably sound like a horrible mother saying how much I miss the man who hurt my baby girl, but I love my husband, I love my kids more which is why I left but it hurts so much living with out him. We had such a good marriage, we were trying to have a baby and lost 2 babies in 2004. We were so happy, we had the perfect life and the perfect family. Well I guess I can't really say that considering my husband is a child molester, it's all really starting to sink and reality is slowly slapping me in the face. I just don't know how to deal with all of this.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please help me. Im sorry this is so long, I just really needed to get some of this off my chest.

Thanks,
April
mom to:
Angel Rose: 5
Tristan: 7

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:48am

hi april and welcome. we are all fighting our own personal demons - and nobody will think you are horrible for still missing this man. i applaud you for walking out on him and for taking care of your dd right now - that calls for a lot of courage and strength - and while you may think it was the only thing to do, we know that there are plenty of mothers who just stay on with child-molester spouses. and i applaud you for raising a child who had the guts to come to you and tell you - that wasn't easy either.


I think that what you really need to do - for you - is to get yourself to a therapist and deal with all of this. it must be devastating to learn that your husband did this to your child

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 4:55am
I agree with the previous post. Your daughter needs to know also, that none of this is her fault. She needs to know that she is a very brave girl for telling you and that you love her just as much as you always have. This will help to get her through the tough times to come. As for you, all I can say is good job on leaving the marriage, and DO NOT take this man back under any circumstances! He is not a safe person to have around your kids! Even if he gets treatment, I would be extremely LEARY! Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 9:55am
April-
This is a very difficult situation to know how to deal with. I hope you do take the previous suggestion of getting counselling/therapy for yourself and both children. It sounds as though you're not in contact with your husband right now, and if so, please continue that. You need some time and space to get yourself more emotionally stable so you can continue to make the best choices for yourself and children. You absolutely did the right thing in filing charges and filing for divorce. Nothing he says or does can ever excuse what he did. He may have had a bad childhood or a hard life. He may have something physical wrong with him, such as a mental illness. But we are all responsible for our own choices, and he chose to commit one of the most immoral crimes - violating a child. You have made the right choice - to protect your children. And only you can choose to continue to protect them by keeping your husband out of your lives and getting counselling to minimize the emotional damage of this.
It's absolutely understandable that you'd still have some "loving" feelings lingering for your husband. There's no shame in being sad, missing what you thought you had, or grieving for the future you thought you'd have together. It's hard to accept that your life isn't what you thought it was. But instead of denying reality, when you found out you started making good choices for your family. To me, that says you're a good mother, and a person with strong character. You will get through this.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:24am

Hi April,

My heart goes out to you. I've only just joined this group, but they've been very helpful so far. Stay around here, you'll like it. Like the other posters said, counseling really helps. You're going through a lot right now, and you need to take care of yourself and your kids.

<> Oprah was talking about this on her show yesterday-- that even just touching by an abuser is devastating. Your daughter is a survivor, and kudos to her for telling you, and for you for doing the right thing.

You'll get through this. This too shall pass.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:27am

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE hugs to you sweetie.


What a terrible ordeal. I couldn't even imagine being in your spot.


The next poster is correct in saying that no one would think you are horrible for missing your husband. I guess it's really about what you miss. Do you miss being married? Do you miss your daily routine? I think we all go through this when we separate, regardless of the situation. I had to realize that I missed being married, I didn't miss him. I could never take him back knowing what he has done. Once the smoke clears and things calm down for you, you will see the same thing.


I will tell you this. I am 28 years old and divorced with 3 kids. I thought I would be alone forever. I thought that NO ONE would want me and for that matter I thought I could never trust again. I am now with a wonderful man who is womderful to me and my kids. We have been together for over a year and are still happy. It takes time, but you won't be alone forever.


Give yourself time to heal and definitely give yourself time for you. Take care of you. A therapist is definitely the first step. Take care of your daughter, let her know NOTHING like this will ever happen again. That poor thing.


Hugs to you and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:38am

I think what April meant is that her husband physically molested only her daughter, not both kids.

Susie, I don't think we've "spoken" yet! Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:45am

April, you're a strong woman raising a strong daughter. After you had the courage to take care of your little girl, no one could blame you for missing the good memories. You'll get through this and so will your daughter. Do you know yet whether Tristan will get to stay with you?

Welcome and keep us posted. We're here if you need to vent, support or ask questions. Take care.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:13pm

<> yep, I think that's what she meant, too. :-)

Nice to meet you-- I really like this board, and the posters seem wicked nice.

:waving to all:

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 4:02pm

actually you sound like a wonderful mother. do you know how many women out there in your shoes do not do the right thing? you did. it's hard and you're probably numb now and in shock. there's so much going on now that it's so overwhelming.

i would re-read sk1960s post to you. i agree entirely with her -- she said it all very well.

and thank god your daughter has you. she needs all the love you can give her now.