Emotional Wreck, How do you love...
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| Thu, 08-10-2006 - 4:39pm |
someone sooo much and want all these dreams and make all these plans with them and then just walk away when things get rough. It's like he's just like my ex in alot of ways and minus a few ways. The excuses of why it "didnt work with us" saying I was always arguing etc.
I need your help. Im having an emotional breakdown today and feel as though I cant catch my breath. Most of you know what's happened recently in my life. I havent told the guy about the miscarriage yet. He claimed he'd be there for me and I was kinda wishing I could see if he'd keep his word so I was gonna wait a bit before I told him to see what he did. Then today we had a conversation/argument and some of the things he was saying has just blown my mind.
This may be foolish of me but I feel like he betrayed me just like my ex. He made all these promises of a me and him and gave deadlines of when he'd be out. He missed both deadlines and i started getting of it. He would have plans with me and not show or call until the next day claiming he was too tired to call that day he fell asleep (he had started working two jobs see). We started arguing, he promised to improve on the calling if he'd be late or wasnt gonna show at all, rarely did he improve so naturally the arguments from me continued because in my eyes if you love someone you dont do things that bother or upset them, if you have a "bad habit" you work to improve it if the other person means something to you. He's saying "we" didnt work because I argued with him all the time. WHAT! He had moved on to someone else and he would think I would be happy for him. I said you say that so easily but yet a month ago you loved me so much. How is that? He said he can say that so easily because she isnt always arguing with him. WHAT! Yet he seems to think that because of "the baby" that makes me and him a family. AGAIN WHAT! This whole thing is just unreal. Maybe Im crazy for even letting this conversation upset me the way is has but how can a man be like this. I know my emotions are on high right now with the miscarriage and all. It just felt all to familiar like things with my ex. He too was blaming me for the end of our relationship, this seems to be doing the same things (not the we really even had a damn relationship to begin with) But I was starting to doubt myself thinking maybe Iam the reason that I havent had a successful relationship, maybe I have caused the men to run to other women.
But he was/is cheating just like ex was so should I really be surprised he's acting like this now? NO! I think Im really pissed at myself for being dumb to get involved with him period, I should have RAN in the opposite direction but no I run right into his arms like an a$$. Am I from another planet in thinking that when you truly love someone you stick by them, honor them, dont do things to hurt them, take care of them, cherish them and so on and so forth. Does anyboby still believe in vows anymore? What the hell is going on here.

First of all, I am so sorry about the miscarriage. I can't even imagine what you're going through with that and what is going through with this guy. You are right to say that your emotions are on high gear right now but then why shouldn't it. You are only reacting to how everyone else would. Second of all, do not be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. This guy was saying all the right things at a time when you needed to hear them the most. Who wouldn't fall for a guy like that. You'd be crazy not to. With everything we've had to deal with our ex's, we are so vulnerable right now that I we're liable to see something as good when we normally would see as bad. Thirdly, DO NOT let this guy make you think this is your fault because it isn't. He says you two argue a lot. Well it takes two to argue and I believe he was the second party. He's just trying to pin the cause on you so he won't feel so guilty about doing what he did which is end the relationship and more on to someone else. I don't know what it is but why is it guys have enough balls to do all these hurtful things to someone they claim to love but not be able to claim responsible for what cause their actions. It always has to be the one that is left's fault. HELLO! They are the one that left and cheated and yet it is suppose to be our fault because we drove them to do that. Yeah right! Just now that if he was able to do that to his wife and you he's is guarantee to do that to future women that comes into his life.
LIke you I have wondered what has happened to the value and scredness of vows people make at their wedding. If you are from another planet for thinking what you think about what love is than I must be from the same place because too think like you. Today it seems like the vows are taken so lightly. I've gotten to the point to where I even ask what is the point of getting marry and taken those vows if you don't live up to them. Yes life changes along with circumstances and the people we love but don't we know that that will happen before we took that vow? I don't understand how people can say them then turn around and walk away from everything. It doesn't make sense to me. And I don't think I'll ever understand it either. If anyone out there figures out this question, can you all post it here and let the rest of us who are clueless know.
Take this time to be with your self and learn to love yourself. You don't drive guys away. They drive themselves away. I believe people who are able to turn away for love like all our ex's have will never find happiness because they are not even man enough to admit what they have done or even that they have done anything at all. Someone's heart and feelings should never be taken lightly and these men have. It may seem impossible right now, but hopefully there will be that gold pot at the end of the rainbow.
In closing, a friend of mine once told me that sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads to find your Prince Charming. I for one have kissed the biggest toad one can have and I can't wait for that right one because my lips and heart can't take much more of these kissing and wrong toads.
Girl tell me about it. Today is a better day for me as Ive just decided to let it go. I had mixed emotions about having this baby and being tied to this man forever as Iam already tied to a total loser. I couldnt bear the thought of that again but was going to have the baby b/c the baby who is innocent didnt ask to be born. I had an abortion at 19yrs old and the guilt stays with you ya know and I didnt want to go down that road again. So though I grieve for the baby, it is also a blessing. Im now FREE of an obviously no good man.
In reflecting on some of our conversations its like he wants to have different women for different things and thinks its okay but ofcourse he says thats not the case he just wants one woman, yeah right. Things were so crazy the last couple of days I still have to tell him about the miscarriage. I had told him I had been bleeding and cramping and ofcourse he was saying "Im too emotional" and have to calm down and think about what's best for the baby. Gee lets see how to be so calm, cool, and collected when the man you've been seeing is telling you of all these wonderful things the two of you will have together and all the promises just ups and walks when things get a little rough. And HIS actions were the reason things were the way they were. Im not innocent, Ive had my share of blows ups at him that I could have handled better but when I didn that I apologized. Anyway I havent told him about the baby yet b/c if he dares to say its my fault I think I'll hunt him down and go off on him. So Im going to not have any contact with him or at least no arguing at all and then tell him. I dont even want to see him though b/c knowing him he'll want to call himself wanting us to "comfort each other for our loss" . I dont want it from him. Let him to to his new woman.
luvred, sounds to me like you're in a vunerable state in your life which opens you up to other loser men like the one you were married to. Have you thought about maybe not dating for awhile until you are in a better space? Do you have any thoughts about going back to school or doing something with your spare time (if you have any) to pursue things that will make you feel better about yourself?
It just sounds like you have ended up with another guy that is telling you whatever you want to hear for his own agenda. You know? It's really sucky when they say all those wonderful things and then don't back it up with the proper action. That's just what some men do though. Some guys will flat out LIE in order to keep you under their thumb and to keep you in the picture on THEIR terms.
Your best bet is to work on yourself and find things that are important to you outside of a man. In my own experience I have found that it works well. I really want a relationship, but if the person I'm with isn't willing or able to be in one with me then I have the strength to move on and if that means being alone for awhile so be it. Trust me though, with the right mindset and attitude you won't be alone for long! Just stay away from the losers that hang around bars and nightclubs!!
First, let me send you a cyber hug. And, I, as others can say, I feel your pain.
I'm in the process of divorce, after 17 YEARS, he cheated on me with my best friend! Oh, some days the pain is so bad, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. I ask myself over and over again how could someone be so heartless, and just walk away from all we made together? Two kids, the house, all the memories. I just don't understand that either, and I don't think I EVER will.
I am learning from friends and family, to "try" and stop focusing on the "why's" and the "should haves", etc. I need to focus all my energy forward and not look back (I know, easier said than done some days). He is what he is. I grew up, he didn't. I have a heart, apparently, he didn't. My family means more to me than anything, apparently, it didn't mean the same to him. We had grown apart.
At least I realized, even though it took me so long, that I deserve more out of life and I wasn't getting what I needed from STBX. You're not dumb, don't blame yourself for mistakes, try and learn from them. That's what I'm trying to do, not repeat my mistakes but learn from them. Not blame myself, my STBX blamed me for EVERYTHING! I let him hurt me for years. It's about ME now. And I don't want to hurt anymore.
Hang in there, keep us posted, please feel free to email me anytime. I'm not a professional but talking to each other helps, because we've all been there, done that.
Jenn
Jennifer
Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)
and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till
Cyber hug to you to. You're right. We cant blame ourselves. Ive learned that I find it hardest to forgive myself for my mistakes and Im usually hardest on myself. I would have moved heaven and earth for my ex, the father of my child. When I started talking to this guy I went to college with I hadnt realized that I was still very vunerable. I fell for his charm and sugar coated promises. I was fell into the trap that I had so cursed the ow for.
I guess it was a reality check for me because I thought how could she do that to a family, get involved with someone knowing he was in a relationship. I hated her for a long time. What did I do? I did the same damn thing. I thought I was better than her and realized Im not. I think that's what hurts me the most. One good thing from all this is I dont hate her anymore. Im a firm believer that things happen for a reason and this was a lesson I needed to learn that maybe she wasnt all that bad after all. But ofcourse my ex left her and is with someone else. I prayed he wouldnt stay with her, have our son around her and my prayers were answered so I cant say too much. As for this other guy, to heck with him. He's just like my ex in alot of ways and in "some" he's a better.
Im gonna focus on ME like you said. Ive been wanting to loose weight for a long time and never had the will power to go throught it all the way. Until I feel great about myself I cant be with someone else totally because I will have the thought in the back of my mind (do they really want me and why) since Im heavy.
Im here anytime you need me.
Thanks, Londi