At the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2012
At the end
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 8:15pm

I posted on the relationship saver board earlier this week but it seems more appropriate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2012
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 3:31pm
This is my first post of any kind on this site. I came here seeking similar advice. I too am in my 40's and in a relationship with ZERO intimacy. I didn't realize how much this was hurting me until March, 2011. I had a serious health scare and when I came home, my husband held me in his arms- tight- for a long time. It felt so nice, but later I felt so sad because I couldn't remember the last time he had held me like that. Then to make things worse, soon after, I met a man who noticed me and appreciated me. It was like torture. Nothing happened, but I realized that I can't live in a relationship with zero intimacy. But here I am a SAHM with two kids (11 & 8). The prospect of leaving is TERRIFYING.

You need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you want to feel empty and alone in someone's company? Or would be be happier alone with the chance to meet a man who can give you the affection and connection that you desire? We're in our 40s. That is not too old to make a fresh start! I know it is hard and scary to leave something that is familiar and safe, even though we may not be happy. In the end, make the decision based on keeping YOUR ultimate happiness in mind. :)

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 7:16pm


I'm wondering how much work you've done to help yourself? Have you done any individual counseling so you can sort out your needs, feelings, and the role you've played in your marriage? If not, it's time. Because my question is: Why would you continue to stay with someone who has shown he doesn't feel part of a relationship, doesn't care whether he is, and has point blank told you he isn't capable or doesn't want to be part of a relationship?

Sometimes we have to be reminded of the definition of stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I'm not suggesting your stupid, but I do believe enough is enough. I counsel you to start with therapy for yourself so you can figure out why you insist on staying in a marriage that is empty, has been and will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 9:46pm

You say you have been in counseling for three years and nothing has happened?? That sounds to me like an awful long time and you are still in the same situation. Like wisdom said you need individual counseling to move forward from your H..

why would you want to be with a man who doesnt want you.. I dont care if he is the King of England. Your husband or the last man on earth. Its clear he doesnt want to be married to you and wants his own self. He proves it to you over and over and it does sound like mental abuse.. to me .. Mental and emotional abuse scar more easily than physical... It hurts down to your core and soul and damages your self esteem and self worth..

So let him go and dont say to him lets separate.. because he knows that you wont go and are just giving lip service..SO

Devise a plan for leaving and getting out of this marriage. I dont see it as that for I see you and your H as room mates and nothing more.. You deserve so much more and your H is not giving it to you.. You are still young and dont waste time on someone who doesnt deserve you.. You need to find someone who deserves your love and he is out there but you first have to get rid of what you think you have now and move on.

Dr.Phil says what is worse than staying in a bad relationship for ten years.? STaying in a bad relationship for ten years and one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2012
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 12:23pm

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I have been to my own counselor. I am currently looking for a new one to start up with. I've been thinking alot about the things you mentioned for quite a while. Why would I stay? 1. I really wanted to honor my vows. 2. I was not without fault and wanted to try to fix my part. 3. I read recently that little crumbs of happiness can drag you along - that resonated with me. Promises were made that I wanted to believe. At times, he was trying a bit. He always said he wanted to stay in the relationship - just wasn't able to connect/talk/feel. So I may have been trying to decide if I could live with that. 4. We generally get along great on a superficial level, so I had days where I would say to myself "is it me?", is this enough for other people? I realize now, of course, it doesn't matter what's ok for others, I can't live without a connection to my spouse. His personality disorder may have made me try just a little longer as well. Once that was diagnosed I thought it may have been a piece of the puzzle. 5. I see now that my family growing up was cold and affection was sparse. It's not what I want but maybe it's what I was used to and that's why I accepted it. No more.

I used to think of us all the time with that definition of stupidity and I'm sure our counselor did as well. I definitely feel stupid now.

Getting things in line now. Tough being in the house but I'll live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 12:01pm

I think you now saying he was diagnosed with a personality disorder speaks volumes for what you are going through.. I was married to someone like your H and we got divorced.. My ex had mental issues and living with him on a daily basis was literally insane.. I did not want to get a divorce but I HAD to get a divorce.. I dont think its going to be easy living with someone with a mental disease..

I tried even while we were going through our divorce.. because I had to watch mine like a hawk and make sure he wasnt doing anything underhanded... He tried but I was on top of it most of the time. If I could have lived next door I would have . Thank Goodness mine got a new victim (Imean gfriend) because he was out of the house alot and he knew it was the end for us)

Be careful and seek out legal advice and support groups because living with someone with a mental disorder is very very challlenging. You never know what they will do.Just my own experience.