ever just want to change your mind?
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ever just want to change your mind?
| Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:40pm |
hi- this is my first time here. I'll try to give a brief background. I have been married 9 years, we have three great kids (2,4,6). I filled for divorce in July. My dh is a decent person but I have spent the last 2 years feeling very alone in our marriage. He works nights and was working 25 hours a week while I worked full time and took care of everything from the bill, yard, kids, house, shopping, you name it. his only job was to take out the trash. He was addicted to the computer and spent every day, all day on it. I begged him many times to help me, told me I was on the verge of a breakdown, etc. We went to marriage and parenting classes a year and half ago. He is very hard on our kids and never wants to do anything with them. They overwhelm him. I was so tired of seeing the hurt in their eyes when they just wanted to go outside and he couldn't get off the computer to go. I ment another man via my work (I never even kissed him till dh moved out and we decided to get divorced). He made me think I didn't just have to except this behavior and live with it becuase of the kids. he is a great guy and loves kids (he is single dad with custody of his daughter). After I told dh about having feelings for this man and addressed our marriage issues, he was awful (somewhat understandable) but completly out of control. He read my emails, hacked into my computer, would analyis my phone bills, cut the house phone lines, threatened to kill me and the OM many times and hardly seen the kids at all for about 6 weeks. he is doing better with seeing them. He is dating someone who he admits he slept with 3 days after moving out. I recently cooled things with OM just to take time to figure things out. I have always taken care of my DH and am still doing things to make things easy and right for him. he says he doesn't know if we would ever work things out and says he can't get over the hurt of what I did to him. he does see the kids now but has recently bought a truck with no cab so he can't pick the kids up (not enough seats) he doens't do things with them but he is getting a little better. I feel so guilty about choosing to do something that might make me happier. I hate the idea of my family being split up and being divorced with three kids. I feel like I will never meet someone else and will end up alone with 3 kids. DH and I are getting along pretty good and talk every day but we are friends. I don't feel the love I did for him, I mostly feel bad for hurting him and not wanting my kids to be from a broken home. I really wish I would have just sucked it up and been ok with an alright life. I don't see how it could be worse than just being alone. All the nasty fights with him have worn me down and now I see myself doing things just to keep him nice. Part of me even thinks I cooled things with OM to keep him nice since he really wasn't nice until I told him that. He wants me to cut the child support since he can't afford to live on what he has left (he hasn't even had to pay a dime yet and goes out 4-5 nights a week). he is very focused on sex and pushes me all the time to sleep with him (which I haven't). I think that is really all he wants from me really is sex and friendship. So many people stick it out for the kids and it is such a hard process (especially when he is being ugly with treats and showing up drunk, etc) My counselor says he hasn't changed the things I said I needed (like helping me and being a dad) and he admits he really doesn't want to grow up (he's 36 but I have taken care of him pretty much all of his adult life). I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying just come home and we'll be good friends and niether of us will be lonely and the kids will have a family again. I don't want a single life but I don't know that he would even want that by what he says now and I am afraid I would end up wishing I hadn't gone back. Does anyone else just wish they had never even bothered? It seems like so much pain and work just to end up single and lonely. I hate that I hurt DH and I really think he would eventually forgive me. I just don't know I could convince him without being able to say I am in love with him. I would love so experienced advice here. I guess it is possible he would change, but I don't think he really sees the issues either or wants to change. He always makes excues, he can't see the kids this day because he has plans, or he wants me to drop them off later because he stayed out too late. I want to kids to be his first priority, too and I just don't know that they ever will. I know the last year we were together, I basically felt like he wouldn't be in their life if I left and that they were better off having a dad around (even if not involved) than not at all. Part of me wishes I had just left things the way they were. Thanks for your input.

Kelly
hi, jen.
i am in a similar situation only instead of divorcing right away, we went to counseling and i am currently living separately (on the advice of our counselor when our problems escalated from mere uncomfortable silence to screaming fights). when i first started talking about divorce to him nearly 9 months ago, i was confused and didn't really know what i wanted. i just knew that i didn't want THIS. there had to be something better than the "marriage" that we had. i agreed to go to marriage counseling with him because i wanted to have done everything that i could to save the marriage if it did finally end up in divorce, plus the counseling could have worked (although in my heart i felt that it was too late and that we should have gone about 5 years earlier when things really started going downhill...ah, so much easier to see that now...).
now that i have been out of the house (we trade off overnights with our one daughter who is still at home), i have had more time to think about what i would need from him if this marriage was to work. and even tho i am very happy about things most days, there are some nights when i too feel lonely and sad and just want to say, "my bad, never mind, let's stay together." BUT I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE because nothing would have changed, and even worse, i will KNOW that. i have gotten tougher with time, and a little more in touch with me. i've also been reading this great book by iyanla vanzant called in the meantime that was suggested on one of the boards i frequent. i got it for dirt cheap at amazon (39 cents plus shipping as i recall). under other circumstances i probably would have found it a little cheesy, but it is exactly what i need right now. it has helped me understand that it's ok for me to want certain things from a relationship. now i just need to figure out what they are.
i get lonely too and think how it will suck to never have anyone in my life (except my kids, who are incredible), and no more sex (ugh!!) and all that. i do have a great worker friend and the attraction between us is pretty evident, but i am trying really really hard to keep that out of the mix right now. that sounds far more noble than i feel about it tho. if he initiated something, i don't know if i would really have the ability (or desire) to stop it.
by the way, my H is also after me for sex and companionship. there may be some guys out there reading who know better than i would, but it seems that those are the things that they miss the most from a marriage. i think that reaction is normal, albeit annoying from my (and apparently your) perspective. :)
hang in there and stay strong for yourself. you have put up with a lot and all of the years of work so far were your attempts at saving your marriage. they count. now he needs to do some things too, if he is willing. you can't make him do anything. most likely you will not end up alone forever, but on the off chance that you do, would it be better to be lonely by yourself or in a marriage?
Kelly
Hi.
I'm divorced