every 2nd weekend alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
every 2nd weekend alone
17
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:54pm

Hi, I just wanted to find out whether any other divorced women have the problem of finding something to do and feeling alone when your kids are spending every 2nd weekend with their dad. I am 40 years old, divorced for 5 years with an 8 year old son. I work fulltime and am pretty busy between work, raising my son and keeping everything organized. But when my son goes to spend the weekend with his dad every 2nd weekend I feel lost. Usually I spend Saturday catching up on errands, cleaning the house and doing the groceries. Saturday night I go out with two girlfriends to a nightclub (but I still haven't met the right guy there and it's doubtful that I will after all this time). Then, since I'm getting to sleep at 4 am I'm usually too tired on Sunday to do too much and then my son gets back home from his dad's at 5 pm. I find it is worse in the summer when the sun is shining and everyone is having a good time but I'm running around to the stores on Saturday and then Sunday I'm alone on a beautiful day but usually too tired to go to the gym or do much.

I've had people tell me that I should join a club to meet other women but honestly, I am so busy at work and spending time with my son in the evenings that I don't have time. The two girls I go out with on a Saturday night are just really companions that I have known for about 4 years who only really want to go together every few weeks to go out on the town.

Does anyone else feel that every 2nd weekend is wasted and lonely and do you other divorced women have any ideas on how to make it more bearable? Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:29am

kacey-53...

Your question hit home with Pianoguy....and here's the only response he can offer.

When I suddenly became "a single" (after marriage #1 which lasted close to 16 years), I had one of the two sons living with me....and got to "visit" son #2. My relationship with both boys began to change when my older son entered college and decided that he wanted to be with his friends (and other family members) more.

Without going into a complete chapter of how I adjusted as a single dad....I can only suggest that you give as much as yourself as possible? On the weekends when you're by yourself, ask yourself how much "alone time" you can handle? If the answer is A LOT, then you don't have a problem. If the answer is "I NEED TO BE AROUND OTHERS"---figure out alternatives that'll put you in the public sector.

Being "single" when everybody else is paired off can be extremely hard...but the task is not impossible! . The trick is not to expect others to behave the way you want them to (or how you think they should) simply because...THEY WON'T!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:49pm

Hi. I have only had one weekend w/o the kids (or at least the younger ones since my 17 year old stayed home) since my STBX moved out. I kept busy making a dinner for her crew team (18 girls) and then some of her other friends came over and they hung out for awhile. Get this...one even said to my daughter "you're hot and so's your mom!" Not that I really believe it, but it sure made my day! :)

Anyway, to keep busy would help. Go out and take a book with you. I feel better when I have some paperwork or a book to read. I don't feel like I am standing out then, and I look "busy". I also like to people watch. It's hard not to notice the couples, and how they're getting along, and interacting with their children. Hmmm...maybe you could focus on the couples fighting and their children not getting along with each other? LOL!

I live in a small town, so I can't really suggest much in the way of night life. Maybe you could join a bowling group, divorce support group, book group, etc. I went out one night alone just to see if I could do it. I sat alone at the bar and watched people come and go. Nobody even bothered me or really noticed me (at least I don't think so). Try to spend your weekends focused on yourself. Maybe you can find some girlfriends to go to the movies or out to dinner? Find some divorced women from church, your workplace, school, or whereever. I'm going to try that myself.

Right now I'm kind of looking forward to some time alone. My days and weekends are so busy with the kids, and some downtime sounds great. But I know what you mean, I miss them when they're with their dad, even if it's for a few hours.

Good luck! ANd don't give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 8:54am

Please don't think I was insulting you for going out to a nightclub or dating anyone from there. I just meant that you probably won't find your next love there. As far as casual dating, it's great. Besides, you have to kiss some more frogs before you are ready to move on to the next prince LOL!

As far as seeing other couples and families out...it bothered me for a few weeks and then I was out shopping one day. I saw this cute old couple crossing the street holding hands and had a pang in my gut. About that time she let's go of his hand and says, "If you can't move any faster than that, I am going to put my foot up your a**." I haven't really felt sad seeing other couples anymore LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:08am
Hi, it seems like I'm definately not alone in feeling alone and alot of single people have the same problem. I would love to meet more single, divorced women to be with but I am at a dead end. I have looked for church groups in the area for divorced women but there are none. I joined Parents without Partners but I found that most of the women were in their 50's and older than me. I would like to take a class to meet other women but I am so busy during the week when the classes usually run. I find it pretty scary to sit in an empty living room on the weekend with nonone to talk to. But I will take your suggestions. I'm going to go to the gym for a few hours on Saturdays and Sundays and I'll probably take a pilates or yoga class at the gym and maybe I'll meet other women. I'll keep having those Saturday nights on the town because my friends are also divorced and we have alot in common. I guess it's important not to give up and I fight against feeling depressed and sorry for myself because that just makes the situation worse. Thanks for the suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:40pm
Oh no doubt there are tons of people dealing with lonliness. My situation is a bit different because my stbx is an airline pilot so I was alone BEFORE this happened. I've had 11 years to get used to being alone. One thing that is different for me now than when we almost split years ago is that I am more confident and secure with myself so being alone isn't as lonely as it used to be. When I was younger, I couldn't be by myself at all. Now I sometimes prefer it. One thing I did when this first happened is I would go to a bookstore on the weekend nights that he had the girls. There are a lot of people that are there by themselves and you can just pick up a book, find a chair and read. Go to anything you are invited to attend! I went and played bunco with some ladies from another neighborhood and had a great time. Somce people don't want to be around married ladies when this is going on but it doesn't bother me. I invited my daughter's swim teacher out for a drink one time because it seemed she was having a bad day. I have met lots of people in the last few months and can honestly say I am really enjoying myself. I know we all have to move through the stages at our own paces but I just want to say that when you are ready, you can fill those lonely nights and have fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:56pm
I have the same exact problem. I never used to mind being alone, but once I moved out into my apartment I felt so "out of place." I still struggle with trying to feel comfortable in my apartment and out of my home. I make sure that on the weekends I don't have the kids I am in a painting class or I visit and/or go out with friends. Sometimes I'll even work overtime on a Saturday or Sunday because the extra money does help alot. Please know that you are NOT alone. There are many of us out there experiencing the same exact thing. Plus, remember that the divorce rate is at least 50%, so keep in mind that out of all the couples you see out there, half of them are miserable. The lady you may see walking hand in hand with her husband may be having an affair with Ricky the roofer. Looks can be deceiving! Hang in there. Belinda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 7:54pm
So very true! I love your perspective on the "happy couples"!

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