every friendly? Is that possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
every friendly? Is that possible?
3
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:21am
You know I've probably read every article on this site and the divorcemagazine one now. And so many say that a peaceful friendly mediation/resolution is possible. I wish I new how that could be. I didn't want this divorce, but after 23 years of marriage he has a girlfriend, he's in love. Now he ignores our bills, our children and says that is because of me. That I need to let go and move on. Easy for him to say. I'm the one left with the bills, the college expenses, the house to keep up. All he has to do is dole out money when the kids ask for it and look like a hero. Of course he was too busy for them on Fathers day so now he's s--t in their eyes too. (they are 19+20)
If I try to "separate with love" how do I not get taken advantage of? My life has been all for the family and kids. My job has always been low pay so the hours worked for the kids. Now at 45 I have to find a new house, a new job, a new purpose. How is all this possible? I'm so very depressed and so unable to function most days other than at work. But I read these things and then I really feel like a failure because I can't find the boundary between doormat and friendly.
I think this got away from me, but I guess I need to vent. Sometimes the thoughts get so tangled in my head that I can't move!
Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:00pm

Im not sure there is a line between peaceful/friendly and doormat.


I know in my case the only way to keep peace is to agree with everything he says, I don't doubt he feels that way too. Thing is, it never truly solves anything. Not that arguing does either, I guess it's really a catch 22.


My ex passed up Father's Day last year as well. He was mad because I filed for divorce ( he left me for OW ) and he disappeared for 3 months. My kids are 6 and 18 months. This year, he spent the weekend with them. I am so thankful for that, but it took us a year to get here. He often ignores things, bills, the kids, our parenting relationship, but all I can do is assure my kids that their dad loves them and everything else will take care of itself.


Time, that's all it will take.


Hugs to you and feel free to vent anytime!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:09pm

I totally hear you. My ex and I were together for over 5 yrs and Im having a hard time. I cant even imagine being together 23yrs and then its just over! I struggle with it everyday, he too blames me. But you know what at some point, you've just had enough of the abuse and emotional destruction. I had to start to love myself. I forgot how to do that while being with him. It wasnt until Father's Day and hearing him tell me that it didnt matter how many times I had been there for him, he had no time for me, I wasnt the center of his world anymore. Funny thing is I never really felt like I ever really was. But he always knew how special he was to me. He took advantage of that. Now the little that he's willing to give isnt enough anymore. I want someone who will give me the 100% I give them.

So we have to learn how to love us more than loving them. The one thing that's begun to help me is to find the "blessings" in this breakup. To look at all the things it's taught me and instead of crying that it's over, to smile because it happened. And to truly believe that "my knight in shining armor" is out there and will find me very soon.

Read the 37th Psalm, that too has helped me a great deal. Good luck honey, You are not ALONE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 10:08am
Thanks for being here you guys!
I know that I've been told to remember that I wasn't always happy in this marriage, and that maybe he's doing me a favor. This way I don't have to hurt him, cause I couldn't or maybe I would have left. Maybe I just believed that marriage was for better or worse. But I also am coming to a place where I realize that it does have to be 2 not 1 working on it and that was not the case.
So why do I mourn, pout and want him back. I guess it's just comfort zone. Yes he did have his good points, many to be honest, but the drink was always 1st and softball was always 2nd and I came in after the kids most of the time.
I guess all the reading in the world isn't going to help if I don't apply myself towards myself. I'm wasting my time with my daughter who's home from college, and with my son, who still wants to be around mom and I have to stop letting myself be controlled by someone else.
I'm so glad I found this site! You are all so very kind and loving! It's good to be able to share and listen. I learn something every time I come in here!
Peace!
N