Everything is sliping away. Help Me
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| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:46am |
I just don't know where to start. I've been on and off the board since my husband left in January. He kept stating that he wasn't sure if he wanted a divorce and kept having me hang on. In late July, I discovered he was dating a girl 13 years younger than him. Until I found out we were still going to counciling, sleeping together and talking. Once I found out all bets were off and he filed for divorce within days.
Now we can't even talk civily, I attempt to talk to him when he calls but all he wants to do is scream at me. We sat with no activity in our divorce until last week. He has been threatening me that he is getting rid of our house to the point he is going to let it foreclose on me and has not made a payment for two months, if he does not have it current by November 7th they will proceed on forclosure. So I took the first step, my lawyer sent him a letter stating I would take over the house and giving a suggestion of custody. He flew off the handle, he called me to tell me that he would let the house go to foreclosure and that he was going to now fight me for full custody.
He proceeded to call our daughters to his apartment and let them read the letter, then told them they would need to decide where they would want to live and how they wanted to see custody. Then told them things like I have to start giving him money to help pay for the house and that he never said he would let the house forclose. They of course became furious with me.
Ah but it gets more muddled, he is bringing his girlfriend around more and more with the girls. Last weekend my 13 year old daughter met her for the first time when she showed up to go camping with her dad and she was there, they then left her to babysit while they ran out to get some things. He then called her a few days later and asked her to babysit for them this past weekend. She did and her dad paid for the babysitting and then they all stayed the night at his place, the two of them in the same bed. My 13 year old is just beside herself but can't say anything to him. She is beginning to act out and have emotional issues, but he won't listen.
He destroyed my credit in the last few years we were together so I can't get a loan for the house. My parents are willing to help me but right before my husband left me he refinanced our home and changed our payment from 1100 to 1700. Now no one can afford it and he is quitting his second job to spend more time with his new family.
And in case it can't get any worse....my 18 year old daughter (I have three daughters) informed me that because her dad and I can't get along that I could not walk her for homecoming and that his parents would be doing it. Now I have always been by my daughters side for everything, their dad was there when I reminded him to show up and just a few months ago my daughter made the statement about how his parents never wanted a relationship with them. I am so hurt by her decision and....yep you guessed it I let her know how she hurt me. She moved out and moved in with her dad because she was so upset with me not agreeing with her. She has stated that she does not plan to see me for some time and will not be spending the night at home.
It just all seems to get worse and worse and I'm not sure what will come of everything in the end. At this point I think I'm on the verge of losing it all. Finacially, my husband makes more than 2x what I do, but since he got his new life he has finally decided to stop working so much and is quitting his second job.
I waited and waited for him to decide and I think that I have hurt myself in the long run. I'm going to lose my house, lose the correct amount of child support, lose my kids and before long....lose my mind. I'm trying to hold on but it's all just becoming so difficult. I have a great group of friends and they have been very supportive and been by my side, so much so that they are all coming with me to the homecoming coronation, all six of them, both men and women.
I just don't know what to do, if I walk away from my home I lose any chance to have any money to get into a new one, the market has fallen and there is no way the house will sell any time soon. The houses in my neighborhood have been on the market for six months. And even so he never did repairs on the house so there are a number of things that have to be fixed to raise the equity. As it sits I stand a good chance to get the house in full due to the equal split of assets and debits and his refinancing the house and he will still have to pay me alimony. But if I fix up the house to increase the value he will gain from that without having to put anything into it. But for that matter at this rate I may not have it by Christmas.
I'm so lost, please anyone....anything.

Take a minute and a few deep breaths. It is always clearer when it is someone else's situation. I don't have any quick easy answers, but do remain calm.
Regarding the house. If the loan is in his name it will affect his credit too. Is he willing to let that happen? Is your attorney any help at all? I know sometimes we are just a paycheck to them and it isn't personal to them. Is it an option for you to move to something cheaper and let him worry about the house? I knew that my x wouldn't want to ruin his credit and I left him with the house. You can go ahead and file the papers and at the initial hearing it will be decided what has to be paid in child support and maintenance (I'm in Texas, so I don't know your laws). Once you have something before the court, it eases the strain a little.
Regarding the kids. That is a tough one. I have no opinion for an 18 dd. They unfortunately get to call too many of their own shots. I agree that you should go to the homecoming and all, she will later appreciate your diligence and love. What about counseling for the other two so that you don't get painted as the bad person? It is really hard when the sbtx is revealing things that tend to sway the kids to another parent.
If you need to vent or anything feel free to email me through my profile. Put the room name in the subject to avoid me deleting as spam. Take care of yourself and it will work out, unfortunately it is a slow process.
It is disgusting how your STBX is manipulating your children. Pressuring them to choose their custody arrangement, no doubt with the idea that they ask for dad to have full custody, is also horrible. All you can do is keep behaving towards your daughters as you always have, keep being their loving mom. Family counseling may work wonders for you.
I would seriously consider dumping the house. Upkeep gets expensive, being in the house you shared w/X gets depressing. The only reason I kept our house was because my sons didn't want that change too. I'll sell it after S15 graduates from high school. My X also let the house get into bad shape prior to the divorce, would have a fit whenever I had something fixed. I've had all kinds of repair bills. Not paying the mortgage is a total passive agressive and STUPID thing to do. He will mess up his own credit more than yours. Start getting separate credit now. Get a credit card in your own name, bank accounts in your own name. If this makes you feel better- my X is screwing around w/ 2004 taxes still. It will mess up his finances way more than mine, but anything to get one last dig in there. My attorney will eat him alive on this one, and enjoy doing it. He's just giving me one more piece of ammo to get that award of lawyers fees and court costs.
Let him fly off the handle all he wants.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~