Ex does nothing for our 2 boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Ex does nothing for our 2 boys
5
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 10:46pm

My ex & I separated in 2009. We have 50/50 custody of our 2 boys (Friday to Friday alternating weeks). He does absolutely nothing with the boys or for the boys. He doesn't bring them to their afterschool activities because 'it's not in a court order' & a judge told us that I can't expect him to bring them if it's not an agreed upon activity! Nothing is an agreed upon activity with him because he's too lazy to bring them! I enrolled the boys in actvities because they should be active and interact with other children while being in a team environment.I'm so frustrated because I found out that last week when the boys were with him he didn't take them to their Wednesday & Saturday activities. The boys are missing out because their Dad sleeps until noon on the weekend & thinks that a 10 minute drive is too far to take them to their activities. He's spiteful that the activities are close to my home, yet I've given him opportunities to register them anywhere but he never has!I don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 1:46pm

I would go back to court for a modification--tell him that if he is that uninterested in doing anything for the kids that they should spend more time with you.  It seems that some people only really want joint custody so they can pay less in child support.  And it's going to spite him too--I don't know how old your kids are but as they get older, if they are really interested in doing an activity, they won't want to go to his house if they are going to miss out on it and will resent him, so who does he think he is getting back at her?  Not you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 10:04pm

The boys are 12 & 8.I have gone to court twice. I live in British Columbia, Canada & these are the steps necessary in order to go to court:

1. file a court document stating what change is requested & why

2. attend Parenting After Separation Workshop (mandatory in order to get a court date)

3. make an appointment to see a Family Justice Counsellor, which is similar to a Mediator to see if both parties can come to an agreement out of court.  However, both times my ex wasn't interested in meeting with the Family Justice Counsellor as he felt she was on 'my side'

4. if nothing comes out of the Family Justice Counsellor a court date for a Family Case Conference (private, informal one-hour meeting between both parties, their lawyers, and a Provincial Court judge) is given (usually 3 month-6 months down the road

5. if nothing is settled at the Family Case Conference a trial date is given.

Unfortunately at the first Family Case Conference the Judge felt it was best if my ex & I went through mediation (which to the judge he'd said he'd do but actually won't do because he doesn't want to pay his half.  The 2nd Family Case Conference the judge believed everything my ex said & again suggested to go through mediation.  My lawyer sent my ex a letter asking him to provide names of 3 mediators by a certain date by he has never done so.

I've spent at least $10K on lawyers in the past 3 years while my ex hasn't paid a dime since he represented himself.

When the boys are with their Dad they don't remind him about their activites because they say he gets mad & is discouraging. And the last time I went to court the judge told me I can't use anything my kids say as my defense in court since kids can't take the stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 11:34am

Unfortunately it is a big process--it's similar to where I live in the US.  Well your kids are young now so maybe they don't want the hassle.  I guess all you can do then is just schedule the activities that they like on your own time and hopefully you can work with whatever organization and explain that your kids can only go every other week cause their father won't bring them.  I do think that by the time they get into high school, like if they want to do a sport, that would be the time where it would be worth it to bring this up because they would not be able to do it EOW.  I also think that you should at that time send a letter to your ex stating that your son wants to sign up for a certain activity and ask if he will be willing to cooperate in providing that activity for your child because your child wants to do it--not that you are just picking it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 8:07pm

Is there any way for you to pick the kids up and take them to their activities on the weeks their Dad has them.  Or would he refuse to let you take them, and then drop them off when they are done?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 8:38pm

The activities the boys are enrolled in are ones they have chosen & they had previously told their Dad this.  He says to them that I'm just telling them to say that & trying to manipulate them!

I have told my ex numerous times that I am more than willing to bring the boys to their activities during his weeks but his response is "don't interupt my 'my' time!" But his time consists of sleeping in on the weekends until noon & hiding in his room on weekday evenings