The Ex Getting Re-married

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
The Ex Getting Re-married
9
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 8:02am

I knew this was coming for awhile - he and the gf have been living together for about a year now & I knew that she would be expecting a ring soon. But even though I knew more than likely this whole thing would go down, I am still having an undesirable reaction to it & I hate it. Since I found out, I've woke up early two mornings now thinking about it and my stomach is in knots. I'm not sure why this is and I know it will go away at some point, but I still hate experiencing this.

I guess of course the main part that I hate is just the unknown of how it will affect my kids. At this point, they tolerate their dad's girlfriend, her kid & her dog - but I know that deep down they would really like us back together - or if nothing else, their dad to themselves again w/out all of the annoyances that come with the gf - new wife. In the beginning she was of course very nice to them and they really thought everything was new & exciting w/her but a year later, she has more of a parent role and "Mom" isn't looking so bad to them anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 10:54am

I can understand how it's upsetting to hear that your ex is getting remarried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 11:36am

wow; Laurel;

That is some shocker and I have to wonder why he is getting married to her? is it for health or life insurance or something?

I do hope that you are not having sex with him anymore because if and when he gets married

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 4:45pm

Thanks for the post Music - and for the note about him not being able to move out of the state - like I said, I don't think he would, but once people are married - things can change, power struggles can ensue and who knows what could happen (eye roll).

Yeh - I didn't expect for it to hurt me like it has

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 10:35pm

Free at last - Yeh - well, no shocker to me - I knew it was coming, but of course you can never completely be prepared for when it comes out of the mouth of your kid - especially when I had been communicating w/him on a pretty regular basis lately & he even came up the wk before he proposed & didn't say anything about that new life change. I asked him why he didn't tell me & he's like - i don't just go around making announcements. Ummm, well, he proposed at her family reunion, so wasn't that an announcement to them? lol

As far as why he's marrying her - it's not really rocket science - she helps him take care of his kids and she makes good money - not really life insurance - but it's close! He's always wanted to live in a mansion - so he will be able to afford that w/her. She also seems to have extremely low self esteem & puts up w/all he does w/out saying anything. He's pretty much one of those married/single men. So either she is thinking/hoping is going to change once they get married (and yes, we women do often fall for that!) or she is just a complete sucker - I guess all of it's yet to be seen - but it will just be a big battle field there if she thinks she is going to change him - that's probably my biggest concern for the kids. Who knows? Maybe his proposal was a last ditch effort for their relationship? Maybe she's not happy w/his behavior after a year of living w/him & he thinks this is the only way he can keep her? Who knows? And yes - he's definitely a master manipulator and uses women for all that he wants. I'm sure him proposing at her family reunion was all in an effort to impress her & her family for all the nay sayers who probably have told her she has lost her mind for all that she is doing for him w/out at least being married. I don't care even if he marry's her - she's still a complete fool. At least when I met him - he had no kids and never been married before - and I at least thought he offered an easier lifestyle than I was living at the time - boy was I wrong. I know all that sounds shallow - but it's true. No one can deny when the pot looks sweet & when someone looks good on paper that we can't all be fooled - but his pot isn't all that sweet when it comes to her, he really has very little to offer & he's much older now - so...he's pulling out the only real card he has I guess. She'll learn like I did --- actually she already knew -she found out that he was having sex w/a few others before she chose to move in & called him "a wolf in sheep's clothing" - but that didn't stop her - so...who knows? She's was really on that love drug I guess...but guess maybe she'll wake up from all the denial like I finally did one day ---

As far as me having sex w/him after their married - I was almost certain that he was physically (but not emotionally) faithful to me during the time we were married. You'd have to know him - he's a real stickler to rules - originally went to school to be a lawyer if that tells you anything. He's all about getting things in writing - so I don't think he wanted to chance any of that. BUT what he will do - is start finding things wrong w/her - like he did w/me - and start itching not to be married anymore - after the boredom of only having sex w/her for so long - not sure if that will come before or after they buy their huge mansion together? Of course all this is just my guess, but. But, we'll also see there as well - only time will tell w/all of this I suppose!

Oh yeh - the having the cake thing - that's definitely him all day - regardless of how much drama or trouble that brings, he really doesn't seem to care - even if he's only able to get what he can, while he can. I can't believe yours tried to move his GF in - these men are crazy - but they do pretty much try it all. Some women go for it I guess --- at least for a little while or when they feel stuck w/kids - ugh.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 2:59pm

Laurel!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 9:37pm

Thanks for the response Serenity - yes, I do see some benefits, however - overall it's simply not the life I wanted for my kids. They are still young & even tho the ex is pretty much an all out d*ck - lol - I would've stayed for the kids until they were at least older - the D etc. was all his idea. Also - the kids are pretty much w/him full-time right now - so that makes it all extra tough since if our marriage/relationship would have worked - there wouldn't have been any separation there.

Emotionally it seems I have had the most reaction to it - but I've had almost a wk or so to digest it all & I seem to be dealing w/things better. Unfortunately - I only care or even think about it when the kids are around or I have to deal w/him - otherwise, I just live my life & block all of it out - which suits me just fine.

It's crazy b/c even though he was the one that pushed the D & I did have a reaction to the engagement announcement, I have no desire to really be w/him any longer. We've been apart long enough where I can start to look at our relationship more objectively & see all the reasons why I would never want to be w/him again - but I still have that selfish trait that makes me wish that he was alone & miserable - lol - actually even though he's not alone - he's probably still miserable - b/c he's just one of those people. I wonder now if things will switch positions - being that when we were together, I saw all the reasons for us to stay that way - while he nit picked me apart & found all the reasons for us not to. Now that I'm seeing those reasons we shouldn't have been - I wonder if the shoe will ever be on the other foot & one day - he will see the same reasons for us to have stayed together, but I won't & by then of course I will have COMPLETELY moved on w/my life & won't be looking back. It's funny how tables often turn that way - ya know?

Anyhooo - I'm pretty sure these two are going to go through w/theirs - they both seem to want it bad enough - for mostly different reasons of course. As far as how long it lasts - well - of course that is yet to be seen. I guess I will just have to hope for the best w/my kids & pray that they don't screw up their own lives w/marriage/divorce/kids etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 12:35pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 11:38am

Hi;

wow; that is one powerful message and post and I loved it..

when Ieft my abusive spouse I was also devastated. After I attended groups and therapy I healed and I stayed away for l5 months.

After awhile I found out that my ex had a gfriend and that also hit me like a mack truck.. I assumed my ex was attending a men's abuse group but instead he was going on dating sites. I also found out that he did a ton of shady things behind my back so the only thing I could do was divorce him. Well? ACtually he sued me first because he was working on getting the next victim.

Well? I learned like you that I cannot control anyone.. I can only control myself. I am a big time codependent and have worked on my issue every day of my life.. Its not easy but I am getting better at not being so codependent.

So I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 9:47pm

@ Cheryl - thanks for that response. I agree w/everything you said - those are things that I logically know - but sometimes my emotions & feelings do not.

I am sure that in time I will COMPLETELY heal - and that the life I create for myself will be much better than even the one that he & I could not ever seem to create together (even though what I had first invisioned w/him was soooo great). I know that yes - she is just another victim and that once he is done getting whatever it is that he wants from her, then he will be on to the next one. I wish that I could still say that I believe in "love" - but it seems that I feel the truth of relationships and what I have been taught by them is based more on simply what people need & want at that given time in their lives - I know not ALL are this way - but many of them - yes.

And while I do know that our break-up was a blessing - I don't quite see how all the time w/him that was wasted was or us having two children together. While I didn't protest to having more children (I already had one), he is the one that pushed for us to have children. He got the kids he wanted, but I didn't get the unitized family that I did - instead I got a broken one. And in that - I am unable to see any blessings and will probably always be reminded until my children are grown. While I love them & I do see them as a blessing, the situation is definitely not. So while I can go about my daily life & not worry about him - what he (or they - kids included) are doing, there are always times that I will be reminded. He is a permanent fixture in my life for the next 11 years in one form or another. While on some level I can create my own life, my part of life that is based around my children - includes him to some degree.

I guess it has all been to teach me something and I definitely have learned alot - I just wish they were not lessons that I had to learn. Although, their engagement & them marrying is definitely a blessing - b/c I am now completely justified in any rejection he receives from me in the case that he makes any real advancements toward me (which he probably will after a few mos. or years of marriage). I can at least completely close that possibility and door concerning our relationship and only have to deal w/the one that we have as parents - which will hopefully be very minimal - like I said --- 11 more years.