Ex had secret life - scary

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Ex had secret life - scary
6
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:31am

my ex is complaining about money and may petition the court to cut down on payments. he has two businesses. he has been quoted in the newspapers for one of them. so, i googled his name to see if there was anything further about this business going under (his complaint). it's a restaurant that made the papers when it was being built. well, sure enough, his name appeared, but not having to do with the restaurant in that area (about 40 miles from here). it showed up in a "swinger" porn site under "apartments" and this scares the hell out of me. it's him alright -- his name is spelled in a very unusual way. the zip code is the same as his restaurant -- no question it's him. so, he has an apartment in the area? i'm guessing there's a post office box in that zip code too -- after what i read in the site. the problem is that i can't get through the site, just to parts of it. it's absolutely disgusting. he's involved in something and probably had been through our marriage. (we split 1 1/2 yrs ago.)

so now i have to have a gyn app't. how humiliating. i'm considering a private detective to see what the hell he's into. but do i even bother. i've already had to accept the the fact that there's so much i don't know and won't ever know -- it's hard to do that -- and that was BEFORE this. damn. god. any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:37am

Wow!..... I guess my only concern about what he may be involved in now is that you have kids?????.... do they visit him?????


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 12:16pm

Have mercy! What a horrible thing to find out. They say you can never really know somebody but jeez... Thank god you got out of there when you did-at least you're not looking back and wondering if you did the right thing by leaving!!

Good luck at the gyn--I hope all goes well.

xoxox,

Wendy

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:58pm

I understand the fear you're feeling now. After my ex moved out I started to clean up my computer and delete all the porn he'd downloaded. I went into his e-mailbox and found a member password to a site dedicated to sex meetups. I went there and found his profile. He made it while he was still living here and it said he was looking for one on one sex. It made my skin crawl to see what he'd written - especially about what a great guy he was . I too was worried about STDs and I went to my gyn for a check up. I had them run all the tests available - including an HIV test and it all came back clean for me. When I was there my doctor said something about me not being in a high risk group for any of these and I told her what had happened. She said that this situation is far more common that I would think. My advice to you is to go to your doctor, get tested and feel free to let them know what a scumbag your ex is/was.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:39pm

Hi Karen,

Wow, my STBX had a secret life too, but not like yours. Here's my story if you have time to read it:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=16872.1&ctx=128

I too went to the gyno and got tested for every STD and just found out on Monday that I am clean. I was terrified! I also ran his credit becasue we are not divorced yet.

Unbelievable how you can think you know someone and they turn out to be such a piece of shi*. I am still in shock. I know that I can look in the mirror and be at peace with the fact that I was a good, faithful wife and that he is in a bad place.

Just remember that you're not alone.....

Beanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:17am

As bad as you may want to know, is it really worth the money a private detective would cost? If you could benefit from it in court then you may consider it...otherwise, just add it to the list of reasons you're not with him! Don't let him keep opening that door to your life.....the past is the past and try to be strong enough to keep moving forward!

As far as being humiliated to go to the gyn to get tested....he's the one who looks like a jerk....not you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:27am
The humiliation of going through such testing is extrememly embarrassing. I've had at least 8 tests done over the last 7 years, I still have to go every 3 months for testing. I cry every single time. My doctor has the test done in his office, the door is shut, and the box of tissues are right there!