Ex-Husband is trying to control my life
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-17-2005 - 12:21pm |
Hi everyone,
I wonder if anyone has some ideas/advice for me.
First, the history:
I was married to my ex for 12 years, and he initiated the divorce 4 years ago for some pretty hurtful reasons. We have joint custody of our 4 kids, but I am the primary custodial parent (it's in the decree) and he is the secondary. The kids live with me, he has them every other weekend, plus a day during the "off" week. I also give him extra days (for example, he gets tickets to a basketball game unexpectedly and wants to take our sons, or his stepdaughter is having a slumber party, and wants my oldest over). He is remarried, with a stepdaughter that my kids have really bonded with, and his new wife just discovered she is pregnant a couple of days ago. We have all got along pretty well, more or less - I have even gone grocery shopping with his wife on a few occasions. (I don't have a car.)
My main goal from day 1 was to do whatever it took to get along with my ex, and subsequently with the kids' stepmother, for the kids' sakes. I have always worked very very hard at this goal, and thought I was succeeding. I thought we all were. It was going to so well. Until now.
My ex over the past few years, every 3-4 months or so, "loses it". He usually does it over the phone, where he will just go totally off on me about an issue involving the kids.
It starts small, and before you know it, he is shouting at me over the phone. (so much so I have to pull the phone from my ear). This time, he says that when he picks up the kids, they "smell", and it's obvious they don't bathe. He wants them to bathe every day (they do) but when I tell them that, he doesn't believe me. He says the kids told him I said it was ok that they shower only twice a week. (absolutely untrue) He is harsh, abrasive, and downright bullying to me. He then starts saying he doesn't "like how HIS kids are being raised", and that I am doing absolutely nothing to improve my situation. (Meaning, my financial situation - I work online but I don't make much money.) He says I am setting a bad influence for the kids by being "resigned to my fate." I am not doing enough to improve myself, to get a better job, a better place to live, etc etc. I told him that the kids have what they need, they are fed, have clothes on their backs, and a mother at home to care for them. I told him what I do beyond that, personally, is none of his business, that I am not accountable to him. He says, you sure as hell are.
I am getting sick and tired of his badgering, of his demands, of his downright harassment.
He treats me like a second class citizen, like he is better than I am. He is very self-centered and arrogant. I enjoy my job online, and the kids are happy. I really think he hates the fact that I didn't just crumple and fall apart when he left us. The thing is, I am very sensitive, and he knows just what buttons to push to get the waterworks going.
My kids are my most vulnerable area, and he knows how to play that.
My concern is, his words and his actions are scaring me into thinking, what if he is doing this to gear up and try to take the kids from me? He and his wife both work, and they make very good money. They are house hunting, as a matter-of-fact. He pays me only $748 a month in child support but even that amount has annoyed him. (too bad!) I on the other hand, have no savings, no assets, and am in debt. I feel completely vulnerable and without any protection. I want to stand my ground with him, and show him he can't bully me anymore. He obviously wants the kids to suffer, as he knows they know he is upset with me. I am seriously considering filing for more support. Not to stick it to him, but because he is making much more than before, and because he says he wants things to improve financially here. So, maybe he needs to help with that then.
I basically just want him to leave me alone and let me continue living my life and raising our kids. I'm afraid the only way to do that now is to get tough in a legal sense. I am terrified to initiate anything, because he will fight back hard, not thinking about the kids, but about his ego, and the fact that I dared to stand up to him.
Anyone have any ideas/thoughts/advice on how I should proceed now? Thanks so much for reading...
Take care,
Ginna

Pages
Has he threatened to take physical custody of the kids? I would be very cautious if I were you. It is possible that he is just trying to scare you or bully you like you said. If your kids are happy with you, then he should leave well enough alone. If he is unhappy about his child support amount, it is possible he could seek physical custody just to avoid paying child support. My ex threatend that also because he makes it clear to me everytime I talk to him that he hates paying child support. Too bad, I say. I don't think your ex would have a leg to stand on if he tried this unless your kids are old enough to say they want to live with him. He has no right to bully you around and make you feel bad about your situation. The kids are his responsibility too, and he needs to pay the support; don't let him make you feel guilty about that.
I would document the phone calls from him when he is being verbally abusive and show them to your lawyer. Keep an ongoing relationship with a lawyer about this. You also need to let your ex know that you will not put up with any abuse from him and that he has no right to treat you badly. After all, he was the one that left. He made his bed. If you feel that it is fair to go after more child support, remember to do it for the right reasons, if it is for the kids and you feel it is fair great, if you want to get back at him, not good. He is obviously not thrilled about the amount as it is now, I can't imagine him being thrilled with a larger amount, but if his income has changed to warrant it, then I say go for it. Just remember to document everything and tell him straight out that he cannot be verbally abusive to you and that he needs to think of his kids for once and grow up and deal with this situation that he has made. Good luck!
I would not take that kind of harrasement. I would go see an attorney to find out exactly what your rights are. I would not want to initiate a horrible court battle, but if the financial circumstances have changed significantly, most custody agreements say the support amount will be recomputed. If you were to file for an increase, and then he filed for custody, the court will see he's doing it just for the money. HOwever, this will cost you a lot in attorney's fees and it's really not in the children's best interests.
I would tell him the phone calls are being recorded (ask if this is legal in your state) and if he has any specific requests he should make them in writing via certified mail. If you get a letter saying he requests the children be bathed daily, then respond with what you are doing and intend to do. Personally, my dd is not bathed daily, it would dry her skin out too much in the winter. In the summer she is. But her dad and I are in agreement on this. In the winter it's sometimes every third day. I hope this doesn't mean we are bad parents.
Go to some extra efforts to let him know you are still willing to work with him and avoid any kind of court battle. If they really want to battle, they will need to prove you are unfit. Make sure you are documenting every conversation and taking lots of pictures, say of the children all wrapped up in towels with date stamps, or at least keep a journal stating children were bathed at xx time, fed whatever at xx time, etc. Anything he accuses you of, document you are doing what he says you are not. Someone on another board suggested logs should be in a spiral notebook so they can see you didn't add any pages later.
Hopefully he will back down. But usually it takes two to fight. Keep conversations short and to the point, and if he gets loud tell him you will discuss it when he's calmer or to put it in writing and then hang up. Refuse to tolerate it. Send him a letter certified mail and clearly address the concerns he brought up so far, like the children are bathed daily, etc., and state that you are willing to sit down and talk to him further if he has any concerns, since it's important to you to continue a healthy co-parenting relationship for the children. Just be the best, most reasonable parent so that if you do end up in court, that will show through.
definately speak to a lawyer, but i can surely tell you what *I* would (after speaking to a lawyer!): no way in H**L would i allow my ex to speak to me that way! or anyone else. see - you are dealing with an abusive bully (whether its once a day or once a year) and there is no "reasoning" or trying to "logic it out" with this kind of person. next time (again - only after OKing this with a lawyer) that his voice gets so loud that you have to move the phone away from your ear - you simply hang up and don't answer the phone again until he is calm.
It sounds like you are doing great and i think its wonderful that you are trying to get along with your ex and with his new family.
I want to thank all of you so much for your excellent responses. :) It really means alot to know I have some support in this difficult situation!
I am going to take your very smart advice and begin to document everything from here on out. I hate that it has come to this, because I really (and naively I guess) thought that we were one of those rare examples of exes getting along and cooperating as a team for the sake of the kids. It must be some kind of power trip for my ex or something to try to control everything. I mean, he made his bed just like you all said! He initiated how the way things were going to be when he left - he made all this come to pass. I always knew he was selfish, but I honestly never thought it would sink to this kind of low, where he ignores everyone around him (when he was making the call to me, his wife told him I would be working and couldn't answer the phone, and my daughter was there, and heard him talking...!) To get my attention, he actually leaves this message so I would call him back faster: "When you get this, call me back right away. It's an emergency." he leaves this, when the kids are with him on his visitation! You can imagine what thoughts were racing through my head! Calling back with shaking hands, fearing something had happened to one of the kids, and it's all so he can berate me over their showering habits!!!
BTW....can I ask, do you think the kids SHOULD shower every single day or is every other day acceptable? I'm just curious what you all think?
Thanks again and best wishes to you all...:)
to be honest: *I* personally think that kids (and adults ) need to shower every day. whether people are active or not - otherwise we start to have body odor. sometimes little kids dribble in their underwear and it smells, or don't wipe so well, and when kids hit their preteens... but that's me.
Hey... that sounds like a good board Poll!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Set more boundaries. Hang up when he talks to you like that -- just say you will discuss it the next day, week, whatever. He is trying to maintain control over two wives!
I think it would be shrewd of you to apply for more child support. If he makes more money now, his children deserve their share. If he tries to get custody of the children during or before that motion is in place, he will risk the appearance that he only wants primary custody to avoid child support.
Good luck.
He is just mad about having to pay the child support. I think that is the whole thing. My ex does the same thing, he only pays $300 a month for 2 kids though. He always wants to know when I'm going to join the "real world." I work between 6 and 8 days a month (although they are 12 hour) days. I just work part time because I think being home with the kids is a priority.
This is one thing he rants about that I don't get upset about, I actually think it is a little comical and I don't let it get to me. I feel what I'm doing is best for the kids.
Pages