ex interfering with dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
ex interfering with dating
10
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 11:55pm
Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a while but have been healing very well with my divorce. It wont be final until Sept. and the ex has been living with his girlfriend for the past three months. The issue is that I have finally gone out on a date with a nice guy whom my husband knows of and it turns out he found out. We had a great time! Well, needless to say,he had a fit and even went as far as to call this guy and tell him we were still married and that we were working things out! NOT TRUE!!!!! He has been doing all he can to sabatoge my new life and it really pi**** me off! I am looking for any suggestions or how to handle this. I called him one night, (the ex) and let him have it, telling him to stay out of my personal life, etc. But he has it in his head that he and I will get back together. In the meantime he is still with this other woman, torn between us he says. What a load of crap, what I know is that I will never be with him again and would like to go out with this other guy again,but worried he is going to stay away from me for fear of the crazy ex! I haven't spoke with him in a week . I have no doubt in my mind of anything ever happening between me and the ex and I just want to move on with my life and that includes dating, etc. So, if anyone has any advice or experiences I would love to hear from you. Very frustrating!!!!! ARGHHH!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:02am
One thing I wouldn't do is call the ex up and let him have it. He is involving himself in your dating life as a way to get to you, and getting upset let's him know he succeeded. A short conversation to let him know that you are aware he spoke with your date and it was highly inappropriate and you expect it to not happen again, in a calm voice should be sufficient, either that or a short, once sentence email is fine too. There is no need to explain to him it was wrong, he knows that. IMHO disappointment in someone's behavior is more effective than anger. Past that, all you can really do is warn your date that your ex is living with someone but still not wanting you to be happy, he is telling others you'll get back together when it simply isn't true. Hopefully your ex will see that it's a pointless exercise and give up. In the meantime if you lose dates because of 'ex drama' you will know the date wasn't really for you because the right guy would tolerate a little drama, and maybe the right guy won't be coming along until most of the drama has faded anyway.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:13am
Thank you, you are right. On the night I had called him, it was after a day at work where he had left me over 10 very rude mesages on my cell phone. He continues to call me throughout the day and I think I had finally had enough. I have tried to be rational with him, and my yelling match with him is what brought me a few days of peace & no calls from him. I usually avoid the phones,but the kids will talk to him and then he asks me for me. I try to keep the conversation revolvng around the kids and then just blow him off. I am just hoping he gets it soon, I can see him really dragging this out as long as he can. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:16am
I am not a propronent of Dr. Laura (boo hiss!!), but I am beginning to come around to her thinking that we should not date or look for another mate until our children have become adults. I know women in their 20's and 30's have their needs, but as a woman in her 40's with an 8 year old - I think I'll go the Dr. Laura way and be satisfied with my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) and concentrate on my boy. I just don't think any other man can love my son the way he should be when he is not the bio-dad - no matter what they say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:21am
Well, 10 rude messages and a call to your date might realistically send any of us over the edge. You need to give him something he doesn't like to keep him from complaining to you and change the pattern. Like maybe if you say "I am really sorry you are having a hard time accepting this divorce, I am getting concerned that maybe you should see a therapist to help you through it" of course said sincerely and not sarcastically. When someone is angry and lashing out and you show some genuine concern, sometimes that calms the situation vs. stirring it up. He also might not want to hear concern from you if he's used to anger (by way of pushing your buttons to an extreme), and next time he might be less likely to come to you if he's going to get sympathy instead. Of course all this changing behavior takes time and it's easy to get back into whatever communication habits the two of you have developed. My ex still lets it slip when he's low on money, but now I don't react or make a short statement like "I'm sure you'll figure it out" which is huge for me because I used to give overly long explainations and guidance. HMMMM... kind of like I'm doing with you now. Ok, I'll stop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:27am

Really? I had not heard this Dr. Laura perspective before. As a child who's mother waitied until I was grown to find someone, I disagree with Dr. Laura on this. Of course you don't want to settle for someone that is not good to you and your son. But I really missed out on having a model of what being a married couple was supposed to be like. My mom had two serious boyfriends while I was growing up, and neither was allowed around us much. The only role model I had was strong independant single mother taking care of the children, and so I grew up and became the strong independant wife who took care of her grown-teenager-like husband.

I would like to meet someone and marry again, and I would like to have at least one more child, so I personally am not going to put off dating until my dd is grown. If I don't find someone that is right for both of us, I am fine being single the rest of my life if that is what is meant to be. But if I can find someone that will be a good, supportive husband and a good step-father to my dd, I will not pass that opportunity up. I would really like dd to know what it is like to be part of a healthy marriage. I don't think she's going to learn that from her father even if he does remarry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:46am

First,

I have no desire to have another child, I'm going to be 46 and don't care to try to do things by "artificial or heroic" means. I have one chance with my boy to make this right while I'm here on earth. Probably most women on this board are younger than I and have more than one child or have that opportunity. I have had one shot by the grace of God and if I have to stay single for the rest of my life to give him the best life has to offer - I'll do that.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:54am

>>>I have had one shot by the grace of God and if I have to stay single for the rest of my life to give him the best life has to offer - I'll do that-.<<<

If I had to stay single to give my dd the best life I would do it to, all I'm saying based on my own childhood my mom staying single didn't give me the best life had to offer. What my mom did and what I hope to do has no bearing on what is right for you and your son. I wish you the best as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 3:00am

well, there are two separate issues here.


first - you have to put an end to your STBX's contol over you. stop calling him, stop discussin things with him, even if its just to tell him to 'get out of your life' - i mean it! just don't have anything to do with him. if you have kids together - then you discuss the kid stuff but you don't allow him to get into A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G personal AT ALL. you have to go cold turkey on this, he is not going to be reasonable or grown up about this so YOU will have to take control.


second, it is my opinion, and i am know that i am in a minority here, that you actually ARE married and you SHOULDN'T be dating. its not like you are saying that the divorce is going to take three years, you are talking about a few months. in the meantime, take time for yourself, go out with friends, etc but don't start with the one-on-one dating until you are, in fact, LEGALLY divorced. this is my opinion. it doesn't really matter what HE is doing - you have to worry about yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:02pm
I agree with you on the no contact thing too. I have to tell you thought that he and I have been seperated for the past two years when I took the kids and moved out. It was a car wreck of a marriage and I thought leaving would get him to turn around. We were off and on for the first year of seperation and then only in Nov. of last year is when I seriously pursued the divorce. It has taken this long to get this far. I have been to some counseling and really have turned my life around 100 percent. My children are well adjusted, I have a great career and great friends. I just want to share my life with someone too and this guy I went with is someone I have know socially for sometime,but not really on a more personal level? Anyways, what I am trying to say is,yes you shouldn't date until the divorce is final, HOWEVER, I have sat back and always took the high road when it comes to my marriage, etc, and to have to sit around and watch him take the kids with him every other weekend and spend time with his girlfriend, I just thought I can certainly have a life on my own too. So, I guess I will lay low for now, and just wait it out. I just feel like it isnt fair, because instead of jumping into another relationship with someone I took the appropriate steps to heal and now I have to pay the price of having a crazy ex. Thanks for everyones support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:06pm
I TOTALLY agree, I would never hold back the opportunity for my boys to be around a good male role model. The chance of that coming from their own dad is not realistic. And my boys truly do want the best for our family. They will always have their dad, but there is nothing wrong with having a great step dad too!