Ex Just Introduced OW to the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Ex Just Introduced OW to the kids
10
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 5:36pm

my kids just spent the last two hours meeting ex's girlfriend. they came back okay. my 9 yr old was fine with it and had fun; my 10 yr old was not happy about the mtg but toughed it out and said he could handle it again maybe for just a couple of hours longer and then work his way up to a day -- which i know is my ex's plan.

so, this kids said she was nice and this certainly makes it easier on them, so why do i feel like hell?

--------------------

on another subject: my therapist asked why i was helping my ex? he was going to have them meet at starbucks. what is this? a business mtg? everyone would be put on the spot. i wanted them to do something -- i told him rollerblading would be a better idea, it would be something they like to do and make it easier on them, etc.

if my ex ends up benefitting from this, so be it. i just want to make it as easy on the kids as possible -- isn't that my job? they've been through the mill. ex left late summer -- for her. i call the shots with the kids, luckily. i know what many of you have been through and i do know how important this is. the timing and the way they met was up to me -- he loves his kids, but was never an involved father. i only want what's best for the kids. (which doesn't mean i'm not muttering under my breath after saying all the right things to them.)

so, am i wrong? or is my therapist a hardass?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 8:07pm
First of all, I commend you for your maturity where this is concerned. I haven't had as much success with this. My ex left me for his so called "friend", and now she is living with him. My kids have stayed with them during visits, and it is difficult to say the least. It is a given that we want our kids to be happy, but when there is a third party involved, it makes it that much more difficult. Both the kids and I are still adjusting, and even though the kids may soon adjust, I don't think that I will be able to be in the same room with the two of them (him and her) without being absolutely furious with both of them for lying and cheating, and stealing money from me. It's a tough sell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 8:15pm
oh, i haven't met her -- and i won't. i do have my limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:13am

I believe you did great - and exactly what you should have. Married life is compromise, and when marriage fails - divorce kicks in, and to retain sanity it means even MORE compromises. If you are comfortable (and it is good!), meeting at starbucks rather than home probably made it easier for your ex and for your kids. Here, forget the ex, and do it for the kids - buiding up problems would not be profitable.

It was completely un-professional from your therapist to give advice on your life. Perhaps you should consider finding another one, or at least mention it to him/her: she is there to listen, help, guide... not to give advice on how to conduct your life - particularly in delicate situations such as your divorce. While it does not cross legal boundaries, I would consider it a behavior going beyond the strict nature of the professional relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:26am
this is going to happen soon for my 15 yo daughter but she is still extremely angry at her mother for leaving us and wants to "meet the man who ruined our family". i'm not too sure this is going to go nearly as well as it did for your kids and the OW. our daughter feels like her mom cheated on her by her too because of the lies and deception involved. you sound very mature about this. it's still very fresh for us (5 weeks) so we haven't really processed things yet other than i filed for divorce right away. i hope i never meet the OM but probably will - it's a small world you know
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 8:43am

yes, five weeks is still very fresh. i think i was numb and still in shock at that time. it will be different for you too with a 15 year old. she understands everything that is going on. (my ex left last summer and the kids only met ow yesterday. at least my ex left that up to me. i consider myself lucky after reading everything that people have gone through here.) anyway, it's way too soon for her to meet this man and i'm sure your stbx wouldn't want her to at this point.

i don't envy you these early days of the split. it will probably be the hardest time in your lives. have you and your daughter thought about counselling (separately)? it will help sort things out for you. i needed it desperately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 8:54am

You did the right thing by putting your kids enjoyment and happiness into the equation.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:40am

LOL about the hardass thing.


You feeling like hell: We all go through this. Especially when he leaves us for her. My ex did the same thing and I was CRUSHED the day my son came home talking about "miss amy". It felt like someone ripped out my insides, I remember feeling totally empty. I guess my advice for this is just remember you are their mom. You will always be their mom. Mom is more important than "miss____ ". Mom takes care of the kids everyday, Miss____ is a babysitter to be ther occassionally when daddy takes the kids. No worries, as long as we have the Mom title, we are superior :) I truly believe that. No one will ever take our place and whether we realize it or not subconsciously we think "omg, someone is trying to be me!" ( figuratively speaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 11:50am
hi karen,
yes i agree it's probably too early for my daughter and the new guy to meet. she is angry and wants to let him have it. but i keep telling her that her mom had a part in this too - it's not all his fault - it takes 2 to tango etc. yes, at 5 weeks it is still very tough on us. and yes, we have been getting counseling by a psychiatrist both together and individually. i'm still convinced it's a mid-life crisis thing for stbx. she's feeling old and he's alot younger and validating to her that she's "still got what it takes" to attract a man. my daughter and i think it's better with her gone as she wasn't that big a part of our lives (she slept ALOT) so we'll be fine w/o her by and large. but the flood of emotions is still so strong and fresh now. you're probably right - her meeting the OM is probably a bad idea at this point. still amazed at how solid you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 12:00pm

actually, i'm not so solid. i've had a few meltdowns. it's time that makes it look that way. time is the only answer unfortunately.

your wife slept a lot? was she depressed? hold old is she?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 1:32pm
Thank you for the compliment, but I don't feel very mature sometimes. My kids are 7 and 10, so I don't know how much they fully understand about all of this, but they seem to be adjusting okay. My son is still very angry at times, and I receive the brunt of it because I am here. It's tough, but lately its been better for us. It still feels fresh for me too. Even though we have been seperated for almost two years, everything came out just this last July. All the lies, the infidelity, the fact that he was living with her the whole time we were seperated while coming home and telling me he wanted us to work things out but he just needed "time". blah, blah, blah. I really felt stupid and foolish. And now, even though I basically supported him during our seperation, he is upset and angry about the fact that he is court ordered to pay child support. He is just too immature for his own good, and has hurt alot of people along the way. Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope things work out for you. This is a great place to come to share your feelings or just to vent. There is alot of support here. Take care!