Ex-MIL issue... am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Ex-MIL issue... am I being unreasonable?
5
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:15pm

Hello ladies,

I'm looking for some objective feedback here because this is consuming my thoughts.

Quick background: ExH and I separated in June - divorce was finalized 11/28/05. Our 14 y/o twin sons live with me 1.5 miles away from our "marital" apartment, where their dad still lives. So far, ExH and I have put the boys well being first and have made sure neither parent tries to play the games with the kids that some divorcing parents can play.

One month ago, my ExMIL moved down from Wisconsin (she has been a widow for 30 years) into ExH's apartment. Mainly because she's on her own up there, although very active, and with the heating costs being so high this winter, she's now living at my old marital apartment.

When the boys and me moved out in June, it was very ugly. My ExH is a big guy, very intimidating. Though he was never physically abusive, he became very intimidating and in those last days, I was more and more afraid. He became bitter and angry. All I wanted to do was leave as quickly as possible. I took only the boy's stuff and my personal stuff. My parents bought us new furniture, and I had been slowly moving stuff out over a period of a month. I LEFT BEHIND things that I would have taken - for instance - my dad gave us things over the years ExH and I were married... a very cool lamp, a mirror - just odd things that are now with ExH and ExMIL.

Also, my ExMIL has now taken over the boy's bedroom. She sleeps in the bottom bunk (she is a tiny woman), one son sleeps on top bunk and the other son has to sleep on the couch. Even though the boys are supposed to be with their dad from Friday to Sunday evening, they end up coming back here at least twice to shower - apparently ExH's bathroom isn't clean enough, plus ExH has not 'stocked' the toiletries the boys use. I have talked to him about this. Sometimes ExH will run some errands and leave the boys with their grandma. There's nothing 'wrong' with this woman - but... well, here are my grievances (can you tell I've been spending time with legal papers?):

- I'm infuriated that the boy's bedroom at their dad's apartment now belongs to my ExMIL.
- I'm infuriated that the boys have to come back here 2-3 times over the weekend for basic hygiene.
- I'm infuriated that one of my sons has to sleep on a couch.
- I'm angry that once again my ExH has a "wife" who now does all the housecleaning and cooking (something he NEVER did) - it's like he's getting off easy (again).
- I'm angry that some things my dad gave us are now being used by my ExH and ExMIL.

Do I sound like a total b*tch? Probably... but this is eating me up. The boys are not helping with the housework around here (they had a lousy role model), and I'm getting more resentful with the FOUR of them by the day.

I have asked ExH if I could come over when his mom isn't there, to get some things I was too afraid to even care about when we left. We actually get along better NOW than we ever did, married. I'm tired, I'm angry and I feel used up. Am I nuts????

Thanks.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:11pm

My 2 cents:

"I'm infuriated that the boy's bedroom at their dad's apartment now belongs to my ExMIL.
I'm infuriated that the boys have to come back here 2-3 times over the weekend for basic hygiene. I'm infuriated that one of my sons has to sleep on a couch."

- These first three points would make me mad too, but more importantly is it bothering your sons or are they just taking it in stride?

"I'm angry that once again my ExH has a "wife" who now does all the housecleaning and cooking (something he NEVER did) - it's like he's getting off easy (again)."

- You're going to have to find a way to let this one go. You can only control your own actions and set a good example for your sons. You can't control what your EX and EXMIL do or do not do.

"I'm angry that some things my dad gave us are now being used by my ExH and ExMIL."

Since you and your Ex are getting along, it wouldn't hurt to ask, but be prepared to let them go. They are only things and aren't worth the heartache and legal fees.

Your sons are definately old enough to be helping you around the apartment. My 7-year old is a big help to me already. I don't have any teens yet, but hopefully others will have some creative ideas as to how you might motivate them.

Good luck and congratulations on your freedom!




Edited 12/6/2005 3:18 pm ET by mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:28pm

i think that the other poster is right. I amnot sure i understand why your boys aren't able to shower at their father's house - do THEY think the shower is gross or is this coming from their father? why can't your sons clean it up? and why can't their father stock their toiletries? i don't understand this.


I agree with you that the boys should have "their" room and "their" space, especially since they are seeing him on and ongoing basis (i mean, its not like they go there once a year). OTOH - i can understand that an older woman needs HER space too. is there any way that a part of the living room could be turned into a niche for the boys (neither of whom, BTW, should be sleeping with their grandma).


as for the boys coming 'home' for basic hygene - this should stop. now. when they are at their father's house - that's where they should be. asking for basic cleanliness and toiletries is not outrageous.


if your ex's mother is willing to do all the cleaning and cooking ---- well, that's her problem. LET IT GO.


if you want things that belong to you - then go and get them. if it become dangerous for your to do so - then LET THEM GO, as well. "things" are not worth your mental or physical self.


hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 6:49pm

THANK YOU for responding, sk.

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This is coming from my boys. Here, I make them scrub their own bathroom once a week for hygiene. When we all lived together at the martial apartment I had my own bathroom and the three of them shared a bathroom. I would ask and ask and ask exH and my sons to clean their bathroom. One particular Saturday after exH once again didn't clean it I went in there exasperated. I mixed some cleaning chemicals together because the bath tub was so bad - consequently I inhaled a dangerous mixture of chemicals and ended up at the ER.

My exH was horrible with helping with housework - even when I was the breadwinner and he was once again laid off, I'd come home exhausted to a messy place.

<>

There really isn't room... it's a smallish apartment taken up mostly by furniture as far as the living room goes - there isn't even room for a dining room set. And I agree, my older twin son should not have to share the bunk beds (which are my sons), with his grandma.

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You're right.

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I have asked my exH to let me do this... he's been hesitant, as if he doesn't want me to come inside and see what it's like. Not that I think anything dangerous is going on, the boys would tell me. But this hesitation of his just smacks of some kind of underlying fear. I can't just walk in there - it's his place, now. There's no danger of me walking in there with him, so there are no safety issues.

Unfortunately, I have a lousy attorney. Though she did a fantastic job with the final agreement, she never, EVER returns phone calls - to me or my exH's attorney. I wanted to ask her what my rights are as the residential parent as to how things are set up at exH's apartment - we have joint custody. I know I can't refuse, nor do I intend to refuse visitation. But like you said, having the basic toiletries at their dad's is NOT an outrageous request.

*sigh* - sometimes I wish it were a year from now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:08pm

I get along much better with my EX now that we're divorced.... LOL!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:48pm

Having been divorced for five years and separated for seven, the best advice I can give you is to pick your battles, because unless you are dealing with an extremely reasonable, patient, logical, understanding, and well-balanced ex, there will be lots of them over the years!

Re: the bathroom, if I were you, I would tell my sons that at 14, if dad's shower is gross, they need to clean it themselves. I would tell them to remain at his house, clean the tub, then take their showers. There are two of them so they can take turns with the cleaning! I would send them to Dad with all of their usual toiletries and a bottle of bathroom cleaner. You are lucky in that your boys are of an age there they can tackle some of the more minor issues at dad's house themselves. If I were you, I would encourage them to deal directly with him over these. Letting them come to your house for a shower only enables helpless behaviour on the part of your ex, your kids, and also the ex-MIL. After all, it's her shower too - can she not clean it? This situation seems like a great opportunity for you to try to undo some of the "bad role model" stuff your ex has created with your boys.

As to the bedroom issue, you are not being petty at all. If I were you, I would write my concerns down on paper and send them to the ex. He can buy a cot (these can be quite comfortable), blow up an air mattress, etc. for the ex-MIL to use in the living room. She moved in to your boys' home with their dad, so in my opinion it is fair for HER to sleep in the living room, not them. At any rate, this should be your ex's problem to solve as he is the one who took in your ex-MIL. Put it in his lap is what I suggest.

As to the stuff you left behind, I hear you!! My ex sold my stuff off when I left. It is just stuff, though. The piece of mind you will get from forgetting about it would definitely outweigh that which would come from getting it back.

Good luck with all this. Give those boys some Mr. Clean and show'em how to use it!!! Women will love them (and you) for it later in their lives! LOL!!!

Stephanie