Ex is up to something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2012
Ex is up to something.
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 11:10am


I wondered if anyone may be able to give some insight possibly.  I'm divorced from my verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive ex husband since June 2010, we separated a year prior.  We have a 5 year old together and long story short we do not get along.  We don't argue in front of our child, but we don't really speak.  I know it's not healthy, but he still has this sick opinion that he can attack me verbally or try to control me then turn around and ask me if I still love him - so clearly, I just keep the communication minimal and only regarding our son.

That said, he's a shady person quite honestly and every year he asks me to let him claim our son on his taxes which I DO NOT agree to because he lives with me, and I take care of him full time.  Our son is luck if his father sees him twice a week for more than a month.  Typically he disappears every couple of months because he can't stand me I guess.  Anyway he's an idiot putting it lightly but I'm concerned because he is asking my son's preschool for a letter confirming that he goes there, how old he is, and how long he has been going to the school.

Again, I pay ALL preschool tuition fees, our son lives with me full time, and he has no input on his school cost or anything.  I do get child support from him - which by the way according to him I'm wrong for getting bc I make more than him, wtf?!  ...but anyway, it's around $145 every two weeks.  But he pays nothing into the tuition expense or anything for his preschool.

I'm thinking it can't be taxes, bc he has to get that form signed by me allowing him to claim him first, which I'm not doing.  So what else could it be for?  Unless he is trying to lie and get some kind of discount or claim that he lives with him or something which is untrue. 

I'm thinking maybe he is trying to take me back to court to lower child support (for yet a 3rd time) but if he is he doesn't need a letter, and it's a very simple process which he knows. 

Any ideas possibly?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 12:40pm

Hi Smilz,

I also had an emotionally/verbally abusive H who is now my XH going on five years.  I would love to have a more productive relationship with my XH but like you, I find that to be impossible.  Simply said, they would need personality transplants for that to work.  You are doing the right thing by minimizing your contact with him.  In fact, I would make sure it's only via email so you can maintain a written record.

As for what he is up to - who knows?  I'm sure he is up to something but you will probably have to wait for him to show his hand.  Hang in there.  Make sure to keep meticulous records regarding your son so if he does bring you back to court you are well armed.

Good luck and hugs

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 2:15pm

   After reading the missive I suggest taking a longer look at the situation.  This is the time to fire the should be's  cultural teachings and prepare for your long term living.  I suggest making a deal with this x.  Ask him what he really wants.  You did not say much about your career but there is room to negotiate.  Right now there is a strong theme to force women to stay in the geographical area so the father(or mother) have access to the child.  If you do not already have permission to move and your career is one where that may be a possibility it is something to consider.  Getting a get out of town free card that can be cashed may be a worth while trade.  Ask your lawyer what concessions you can ask and get. There are many ways to negotiate a better deal for both sides.  He must have something he wants so you have something you want and horse trade.  Counter proposal.  He (and you) have to give to get.   You do not have to put up with a unprofessional attitude from him.  This is business. 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 5:53pm

What if he's asking these questions just to make you wonder 'what he's up to?' Isn't it time to reclaim your life in its entirety from this psycho? My exW was constantly cooking something up or appearing to until I completely disregarded her in every way. Now, she doesn't do a thing because no one wants their efforts to go without effect.

Play the game smarter than him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 9:00pm
I know if you are trying to claim child care tax credits on your tax return, you have to provide documentation of how much the child care costs. Maybe since you won't fall for his trick of trying to claim your son as a deduction he's trying to claim the child care credit. My ex filed "Head of Household" on his tax return even though I have full legal and 77% physical custody. He got into trouble and had to pay the money back once the IRS found out. And my ex LOVES money, so that was his motivation. Unfortunately for him he got caught! So some people do try tricks. I wouldn't give him the letter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:30am

I was also married to a man who was a sociopath.. We are now divorced and have been for years.. We didnt have kids together so we dont have to ever have any contact.. So what I can say is that I would bet your ex is up to something.. These types always are as mine was always involved in one scheme or scam after the other.. It was becoming difficult after a while for me to keep track of mine and his scams and whatever..

I would think though the best thing would be to trust your gut and intuition and keep your distance and disengage as much as possible and le the courts handle the legal stuff.. or you could also keep your friends close but your enemies closer and like Glenn said keep an eye on him from afar and keep ahead of him and play his game. When I found out  my ex was narcisstic I played him at his own game.. It was some work but well worth it. There are some good books on the subject..

Good Luck

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 3:35am


Hi. Abusers continue to abuse in any way they can even if you manage to get away from them. I suggest you contact your local domestic violence shelter or www.thehotline.org for help and information in coping with his continuing abuse. He knows how to push your buttons and get you to react. If he wants to argue about his child support - which is normally figured by state formula - then he can talk to Friend of the Court. I'd also make it clear (in writing) to your son's school that you are the custodial parent and ONLY YOU can give permission to provide information about your son's attendance, etc. If you have legal concerns, contact your attorney for his or her opinion.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 1:28pm

I know when mine were younger, I gave their school a copy of the Custody order.

He could not just go there to get them, not that he did anyway.

They will not give out ANY information usually without your consent/permission.