Ex threatens to block move

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Ex threatens to block move
7
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:34pm

I have been divorced about a year and have a seven year old son. My ex sees him maybe two days out of the month, even though we live ten miles apart.

I am going on vacation next week; ex has stated he cannot keep son, which is no big deal. I had anticipated it, and made other arrangements. However, he has started telling my son that I am going to try to move to Florida and he will stop me, that I cannot leave this area unless he gives me permission. In the first place, I'm just going on vacation; why start all this and upset my son? Also, I have considered moving in a year or so when I get my nursing degree. If I have a good job offer, nice place to live, am willing to work out visitation and help finance it, can he really stop me?

It doesn't seem fair that he can take a job that involves extensive out of state travel, but I am not allowed to have the same freedom to live where I chose to. Has anyone dealt with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 10:35pm

Yes, he could possibly stop you. Hopefully you have kept a log of all the days your ex has skipped out on seeing your son. What does your divorce decree indicate? I just looked at the divorce decree I have - it indicates that we have joint legal custody, but I have primary physical custody. I suppose if I wanted to leave and I can afford an attorney, he can't, he's broke - I could probably move - but I wouldn't, just because my son needs his dad.

It sounds like you and your ex may still have animosity towards each other. Hopefully you can work this out for the sake of your son.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:19pm

I do keep records of how rarely he sees his son; he's never kept him more than four days in a row, and never for Spring Brak or summer vacations.

Ex moved in with the other woman two days after we separated; they married in December of last year, and apparently it's not going good. I'm over the anger, and the hut; now I just want to get on with my life. The problem seems to be he wants to keep control over me and resents the fact that I won't let him anymore. If I can let him go on with his life, why can't he let me lead mine?

I'd like to reach the point where we can talk reasonably about our son, but he starts screaming whenever we see each other, and I simply walk away - I refuse to argue in front of our son. Now his main problem is that I have reconnected with an old male friend I knew 20 years ago, and I'm flying to see him next week. We're good friends, and there is a chance something may come of it, but for now there's no commitment; so why is my ex so determined to interfere? And how do I make him understand that we are no longer married and he no longer has the right to run my life? I'm not wild about his new wife, but I don't try to make them miserable; why can't he just leave me alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:50am

You said it yourself, he is trying to control you. Not to mention if he knows this is a possible new relationship, while his is giong sour .... theres your answer.


I am glad you have kept documentation. If you can prove that he didnt really have much interest in seeing yoru son, i dont see how he coudl stop you. But i am new to this, & have heard some pretty unfair stories. The GOOD news is, once you are a nurse, you cna have any job, anywhere! Good luck!

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:30am

I do think he may be able to stop the move. You should probably start court proceedings or start talking to an attorney to adjust your divorce decree so you can move out of state. It may be wise to start now, just in case.


He is doing wrong by doing this for a vacation. Your son is innocent. It makes no sense to me why he would want to upset your son...... sounds like he is using your son as a pawn to control you.... do not allow it to happen.


Good luck with everything and please keep us updated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:06am

He can't block you himself, but he can ask a judge to do it. The fact he hasn't exercised all his visitation might help you, but it might not. There have been cases where a mother (CP) was not allowed to move away when she needed to move for her job, and there have been cases where a mother (CP) was allowed to move when she had no necessary reason for it. My bf fought his ex's move-away, and he never missed a minute of visitation. Still they used the fact he had never taken his son on vacation or for extra days against him in court, when the truth was any time he asked for extra days his ex refused. They used the fact he had never gone back to court and asked for more than EOW visitation against him in court, when the truth was several attorneys had told him it would be a waste of money and he should be happy with what he had. He would not agree to let her move away because that would mean he would not be involved in his son's life, would not have an influence on his son's upbringing, and he would be failing his obligation as a parent. He spent nearly $30k and the case took over 2 years (they were not allowed to move until after the appeal).

The fact is that moving away almost always causes the parent-child bond to deteriorate. That is why the courts often get involved when the parents cannot agree that the move is in the best interests of the child, so that someone can be sure that the parent-child bond is protected. The reason you do not have the same freedom your ex does is that you are the custodial parent. That brings some responsibilities along with all the rights it gives you, and one of those responsibilities is ensuring that the bond with the other parent stays strong, even if it means you can't move on with your life the way you would want to otherwise.

The best thing that can happen if you want to move away is that you get him to agree. Offer him some kind of alternate visitation schedule that makes sense and offer to pay for travel costs, and reduce the child support, or whatever you feel might get him to the table to discuss the move with you. Then listen to him. Ask him, what if the court said you could move away, what kind of visitation arrangement would he agree to? See if there is some common ground and work from there.

One thing you should make clear to him is that any mention of this to your son can be considered PAS. My bf and his ex never once in the two years mentioned to their son that they were fighting in court about the ability of the mom to move away. Even after he was told they were moving, my bf still did not mention how hard he fought to keep it from happening because he couldn't figure out what words to use that would not make his ex look bad, and he would never want his son to think badly of his mother. Make it clear to your ex that this is between you and him and possibly a judge, and putting your child in the middle will only hurt the child in the end.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:02pm

I spoke to him this afternoon to find out if he was going to get his son the week I was on vacation (it's his EOW, so he should have him from 6 Friday until 6 Sunday - he doesn't know if he can, and my son told him he didn't want him too - he'd rather stay with his friends)

He's driving his son away and doesn't seem to care, but he wants to control me. His son is 7 and is starting to try to get out of visiting his father. I don't want to force him, especially with all the lies he tells his son, but what can I do? And if his son doesn't want to be with him and supports my plans to move, what effect would that have on the situation?

I have no problem with a liberal summer visitation if I move, with Spring Breaks, Christams, Thanksgiving, etc, and am willing to split costs. As it is now, he's 10 miles away and can barely pull off EOW; what are the chances he'd really want more visitation unless it was to cause me problems?

I think if I told him he didn't have to pay support, he'd be fine with me moving & him never seeing the child; that's the attitude he has. He made his previous ex a similar offer - sign over all parental rights & never have to pay support. Right now, he's 4 months behind in support; we go to court Monday over that.

I think I'm going to talk to my lawyer about excatly how to best deal with this. i don't even know if I'm going to move; it's just something I'm thinking about . . . This is a small town & I'll never be able to be truly happy here with everyone running to me about what he's doing . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:18pm

Your son not wanting to see his dad will likely have very little effect, just like if your son said he wanted to live with dad instead of you, he's too young for the courts to listen to his wishes. Most states require children to be at least 14 or so before their wishes are taken into consideration. Your son should be encouraged to spend time with his dad, not forced, but if he refuses then he is in a sense forced to spend time with his dad. If anything, your ex could use this against you saying you have not encouraged your son to want to be with his dad - regardless of whether this is true or not. The child wanting to move will have no effect either, children of that age just don't get a say in major life decisions.

If it were me, I would never agree to more summer time instead of more regular visitation. It's just not the same. Children grow up so much in just a few months. I would much prefer to be involved my childs life all year long, even if it wasn't enough time. My ex feels the same. Because my bf's son was moved away, he might move away too, which means he and I would have to end our relationship because I can't move my dd away from her dad. I talked to my ex about my moving, and he confirmed what I thought he would say, no. My mom moved away from my father and he agreed to it. Even though it was probably the best thing in that situation, it still had a detrimental effect on the relationship our dad had with us. It just is hard to not be around your children during the year, not be able to attend sporting events, not be able to go to parent teacher conferences, etc. Maybe your ex doesn't do those things anyway, so in that case I suppose it wouldn't matter. If you have his absenses from important events documented, that would help you in court (something showing you told him about this or that, and he refused to attend, and a pattern of this behavior over time).

If you think this is a money issue for your ex, then offer to drop the child support if you really want to move. If he fights the move, you could easily spend years worth of support payments on attorney fees.

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