Ex wants to introduce GF/OW - help?
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Ex wants to introduce GF/OW - help?
| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:53pm |
When my STBX started an affair in late December, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:53pm |
When my STBX started an affair in late December, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
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Maureen, i am so sorry. That must be SO hard. I just dont know what to tell you. I think, in my opinion, he is being SELFISH to introduce her this early in their relationship. BUT .. infortunatly, there isnt anything you can do i dont think. But for your kids sakes, i went thru this AS a kid (see my post to ileenie), my Mom couldnt NOT badmouth my Dad & hated, & let us know, how much it hurt her when we were w/ step-mom (had an affair w/ her for 7 yeras of my moms marriage) & it was SO hard for us kids. We were so torn. We loved our Mom & knew she was "right" ... but yet, this WAS our Dad.
Best of luck, R~
If I were you, I would not tell him you are bothered or disagree with what he's doing. It's his life and telling him how you feel at this point (no matter how valid) is not going to make you feel better or change his mind.
The best way to get through this is therapy. Find a really good relationship/marriage counselor, preferably a PhD. Go at least weekly until you are feeling better. There is a way to put this behind you, but it's going to take some work and having a professional help you will make the process smoother and faster.
I agree that what your STBX is doing is not best for the children, but like rlch said, there isn't anything you can do about it. All you can do is be there for your older child to talk to and give very limited explanations. She should know you are the one married to him, but you are getting a divorce, and that you know nothing and can say nothing of his relationship with the OW. Any negative emotions you feel about the OW should be conveyed to your therapist, friends and family, never to your children (not that you are doing this, but it's worth mentioning). Even when one parent does something that really sucks, children should not have to choose which parent to love more.
Also, if it's too much to be running into the OW when you pick up and drop off the children, ask your STBX to meet and do the exchange and a neutral location, say a grocery store parking lot. Of course, he might soon be bringing her with him to drop off the children, but sometimes a neutral location makes things less emotional.
I also highly recommend the book "Ex-etiquette" (see my profile for author name and full book name). It will give you some tips on what good and not so good ground rules and behaviors are in this type of situation.
no advice for you on how to make it easier, but i just wanted to say good luck.
:)
hugs
oh boy....
Unfortunately there is nothing else you can
I am definitely in the "jealousy" mode now.
Hard as it may be, it has to be endured...
My ex started seeing my baby sitter 5 years ago (I have no proof before that). I moved out 3 years ago, after discovering the whole thing and figuring out it was being rubbed in DD face all this time. To this day, they see each other. To this day, ex begs to come back. To this day, DD (now 9) speaks of "daddy's GF".
You know what? at the end, guess who is stronger? yes, it still gnaws at my insides - rage and anger, that is, jealousy was lost a long time ago. I don't want that lady to be taking care of my child... but at the end of the game, I try to keep telling myself that it is better for DD to have someone who take care of her when she is over, rather someone who ignores her. I "sit" in the middle of their relationship, I wonder how they make it whole... LOL.
I want to say with my story that at the end - as sad and difficult to deal it may be! - it turns out OK. Kids have their way to set blame and rights, silently and correctly. Have no fear, and above all take good care of yourself.
This sucks and its very hurtful to you.
There is nothing you can do. If STBX wants to do this, he will. It demonstrates that he is reckless.
The reality is that you get to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. And beleive me, his current relationship will fall apart. And then the kids have to suffer through another loss.
You can try a legal remedy, but you will ultimately fail, and run up HUGE!!!! legal bills in the process, and in the end, nothing will change.
In the mean time, start hiding assets.
Please don't take the advice of hiding assets...this is from an attorney...
Just to give you the flip side of the coin, I am opening myself up to criticism but I hope that you can at least appreciate my candor. Not asking anyone to like/condone what I say or have done, just adding some "perspective."
I am an ex-OW. My bf is getting divorced and so am I. He has a young child (17 months).
Despite the stigma that goes with having an A, I can say without a hint of self-denial that I am otherwise a very good person. The A was the first major slip-up I ever made in my life. I am caring, loving, understanding, and intelligent. Not proud of what I did and don't sugar-coat it, but I know who I am.
His child has spent a lot of time with us, and I enjoy spending time w/her and getting to know her. She can almost say my name now, and when I see her she always runs up and hugs me. The three of us have a great time.
BF's soon-to-be-ex knows about me, and our A. She knows he's currently seeing me, and that in all likelihood her kid is, too. I've never met her yet, but probably will in the relatively near future. I don't plan to make a big deal out of it. If she wants to insult me and get angry, that's her prerogative, but I will not do the same. I've left her alone even when she's come after me in the past.
I don't care what she thinks of me as long as she doesn't try to influence the child against me. My BF and I plan to marry in the relatively near future and I will have a long-standing relationship with the child. I want it to be a positive one.
What happened among the three adults is, in my opinion, not anything the child needs to know about. When she's older, if she finds out, we'll deal with it then. But right now, she's a child...and if the adults around her act like adults, she will be much better adjusted.
Just giving you another side of things...
dallas - you are right of course, all the way. The only thing you are forgetting, is human feelings.
In a perfect world, everybody would be nice. Hey, this is the real world, and most people cannot find in themselves the strength to be legal, let alone nice.
I am sure you have a great relationship with your ex little girl. And she surely loves you, as the extraneous female. A time will come when she will compete with you for her father attention and love (Electra thanks!!!), but that time is not now... but for the mom, it is that time. It may feel absurd to you, but your getting close to the girl is an "in your face" battle declaration to her. Why? well it does not take a brain surgeon does it? you took the father (no matter the actual situation... LOL), you took the life (ibid), now you are taking the child.
Mind that I am exagerating on purpose, but these feelings are very deep and raw. The best is to stay outside. THe little girl is not your child. Leave the milestones to the mom. let her take the pictures, let her have this glory. This alone will go a long way in ensuring a better relationship long time after the divorce is settled.
Remember that no matter how secure you feel now, you may be in her boat one day...
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