Ex wants to introduce GF/OW - help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Ex wants to introduce GF/OW - help?
23
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:53pm

When my STBX started an affair in late December, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:55pm
Your right on folle - what's that old adage - If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I don't wish this situation upon anybody, it is devastating and causes great pain.
Maureenmommy and all of the good people touched by infidelity through no fault of their own have my utmost respect, they're the ones that keep the homefires burning.


Edited 3/14/2005 6:40 pm ET ET by ivbeenaroundthebl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:14am

I can appreciate your advice regarding the hiding of assets, especially since you are an attorney.

However, in my personal experience, with respect to my ex-W, and here in Franklin County OHIO, hiding assets works very well. The civil court system turns a blind eye towards women who behave badly, albiet illegally! Although I will say that my ex had been hiding assets through out the entire marriage, rather than when we entered into divorce, so I guess that made it "legal".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:22pm

"Mind that I am exagerating on purpose, but these feelings are very deep and raw. The best is to stay outside. THe little girl is not your child. Leave the milestones to the mom. let her take the pictures, let her have this glory. This alone will go a long way in ensuring a better relationship long time after the divorce is settled.

Remember that no matter how secure you feel now, you may be in her boat one day..."

I would never try to replace the Mom...no step-parent should, no matter what the circumstances. But that doesn't mean I can't still be a positive influence on this child.
She's going to spend part of the time under my roof...my salary will be spent raising her...so I am entitled to a certain amount of say in her life. We plan to have our own kids and I want them to have a good relationship with their half-sister. It's not about glory, its about making the best of this situation for the child. The adults will, and have the responsibility to, adapt.

I feel secure but I take life as it comes. And I don't rub this situation in the Mom's face...far from it...its rather the opposite. I don't expect her to like me or be happy with what happened...but I do expect her to act her age and do what's best for the child, which isn't making me Enemy No. 1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:23pm

"I can appreciate your advice regarding the hiding of assets, especially since you are an attorney.

However, in my personal experience, with respect to my ex-W, and here in Franklin County OHIO, hiding assets works very well. The civil court system turns a blind eye towards women who behave badly, albiet illegally! Although I will say that my ex had been hiding assets through out the entire marriage, rather than when we entered into divorce, so I guess that made it "legal"."

I don't know...I just feel that while it may seem a good idea at the time, moves like that can come back to haunt you...
Esp. if there are kids involved, the two exes have to keep some semblance of a relationship, for the kid's sake...this to me might make that more difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:54pm

Infidelity is NEVER right....... ever.


Maybe I was raised differently, but I WOULD NEVER get involved with someone who is married.


The statistics are unbelievable as to second marriages lasting "forever" ( in fact its just about a 70% chance of failure )

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 6:32pm

Sometimes you make a mistake, and then you pick up the pieces and try to move on. I made a horrible mistake. I had an affair. There are so many reasons it happened, and it doesn't make it right or okay. I do hope that others in my future can understand that I know it was a mistake and if presented with the same situation again, I would handle it much differently. But the affair did not end my marriage, my marriage was going end anyway. Nobody stole me away from my husband. You can't steal someone, it's up to the person who is married to honor their vows or not. I broke several of mine. I was unfaithful, but I also did not love my spouse until death. To me (and I think to my ex-h) the fact I wanted a divorce was worse than the fact I had an affair.

I wish I could go back and handle it a better way, and divorce first and then do what I needed to in order to take care of myself. I would have hurt everyone less. I can't though. Neither can your ex. Neither can dallastrigirl.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:20pm
Thanks to everyone for their feedback and comments - I do appreciate hearing all the perspectives.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:54pm

Ah Butterfly,

We have the wonderful feeling that we can go to sleep at night and not have been complicit in contributing to the almost unbearable pain to another human being. Somehow I have to think when the Wayward Spouses and their "partners in crime" go to sleep, sometime before they leave this world, for one instant, there may be a little speck in their mind, maybe even the subconscious, that will gently remind them what they were part and parcel to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 5:04pm

I regret what I did, but to say I "stole" someone gives me more credit than I deserve. He was more than a willing participant.

Apparently people choose to read what they want to read...I never tried to justify my actions, just explaining my situation for a bit of perspective, which was obviously not wanted.

How can I hook up with someone who cheated? Well, I cheated as well. And I'm not a terrible person. My point is, people make mistakes, and I swear that some people who kill others are granted more understanding that people who commit adultery. Everyone's done something in their life that they're not proud of, but by all means, take the high road and pretend that you haven't.

Oh and btw...my bf's ex-wife...had an affair with a MM in her past. But, clearly she's a saint, so who am I to talk...

Sorry for the attitude but I do get a little tired of the unmitigated rancor. Life's hard people...I got dealt a lot of crises far worse than adultery that I didn't ask for...and I'm not bitter about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 5:50pm

Dallas,

You must have me mixed up with someone else - I never said you "stole" anything. However, you were complicit along with the BS husband.

I certainly hope that you never go through the pain of infidelity. Think of someday looking in your 5 year old sons eyes and trying to answer questions among which are -"Why did daddy leave us?" I would think that might even choke up a lawyer - but maybe I'm wrong.

The only "crises" I can think of which might be worse are death - of a parent or a child. In reality divorce is like a death of the spouse, death of what you thought was there, but really wasn't.

Everybody's crises are relative - talk to me again in a few years.

Good Luck.