Ex wants me to change plans for him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Ex wants me to change plans for him
11
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:08am
I am I being unreasonable?
Here's the situation, my exhusband lives far away from me and two kids and only sees them a few times a year. Well, he called and said he was coming to visit next weekend and would have the kids at a hotel in town all weekend. That's fine, but my boss had previously invited all the employees and their children to Disney on Ice, her treat and the show is the Sat the ex will be here. I told him about the tickets and the previously aranged plans, but he is mad about it and rants how he hardly every gets to see them and I should either cancel the plans and let them be with him for the entire weekend or I should give HIM the tickets and let HIM take the kids to the show? He says I am being selfish and stubborn. All I am asking is for him to meet me at the arena with the kids at showtime and then pick them up after, how long can a Disney on Ice show be? 2hours at the most. Am I being unreasonable? Should I give him the tickets? Should I not go? I don't think I am being unreasonable, it's not like I just ran out and bought these tickets after he told me he was coming, now THAT would be unreasonable, but we have had these plans for a while, but he seems to think that I should drop everything because he is coming and he doesn't get to see them very much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:31am

Well, if you gave him the tickets, would it be weird him hanging out with all your co-workers? If it wouldn't be weird for him *or* your co-workers than I'd be inclined to let him take them. The show is for the children, not the parents, all they need is *someone* to take them. If you think he'd blow it off or it would be awkward for your co-workers, then don't let him go, stand your ground.

It sounds like he's throwing a temper tantrum. Just be strong in reminding that if you had adequate notice, you wouldn't have planned anything for that weekend, and since the children do have plans, it will only take a few hours out of his visitation, not make him miss the whole weekend. If he wants to whine and pout then let him. That must be how he's used to getting his way. My ex did that a lot when we were married, but we've managed to break that habit since he's learned it just doesn't work now that we aren't together. Not that your ex's behavior is breakable, but you don't have to give in if his request is unreasable. It certainly makes sense that you have plans sometimes with the children that aren't easily broken, and giving you more notice than a week should be expected.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:39am
Maybe I failed to point out, the tickets were a gift from my boss to me in appreciation for all my hard work and not "just for the kids". She wanted to show her appreciation to all her employees and bought each employee and their children tickets to this show for all of us to enjoy together as a group of families outside of work. I guess I am selfish, because I don't see why I should give my gift for all my hard work to my ex. The tickets were my reward to be shared with the children, not his reward. His boss gave him tickets to a NBA basketball game over the holidays and he took the kids, he certainly didn't give them to me, nor would I ever expect him to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:52am
I agree that if the tickets are as much a gift to you as to the children, then no way should you give him the tickets.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 1:10pm

you are definately not being unreasonable. if anyone is being unreasonable its your ex. he evidently expects you to drop everything every time he deems it fit to come into town. sorry - but that wouldn't work in my book. you should not give him the tickets. they are YOURS - and especially since you said that your boss gave them to YOU as a "thank you" - you really can't just give them to someone else.


tell your Ex that you he can pick up the kids at X hour at Y place and don't get into any argument.


once last thought is if you have a good relationship with your boss, you might explain the situation to them and see if they can give you an extra ticket.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 7:59pm
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable! If he only gets to see them a few times a year, I can certainly understand why taking two hours away from him would be a major deal! I can also see how giving up your reward would be a major deal! This is a no win situation. There is no *good* solution. My only suggestion is to make sure the kids don't get dragged into it.

Steph


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away. - Author unknown


The 2004 IDEA, special education law, goes into effect on July 1, 2005. Do you know how and if this will affect your child?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 2:34am

Hummmm..... at first I thought, no way!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:16am

I agree with Wild.


I think that if he can see the kids on a "when he can" scenario.... maybe not going is an option? Although we will get mad, angry, sad and hurt.... it's what us as "single" mommies have to do sometimes.


Because he lives so far away, maybe there is another option. Your boss will understand.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:27am
One could see it as a "no win" situation or as a "win-win" situation. The kids get to be with dad AND go see a Disney show with mom all in one weekend. Is the glass half empty or half full?
Also, I work 6 days a week, and go to college and dad does not pay child support. Currently he is $9,000 behind, (yes, I have contacted auth. and it is in proccess to go after him) so financially, things are very tight for me and the kids. I could not afford these tickets or afford to take my kids to anything like this. This is a golden opportunity for me to get to take them to a show like this and watch their little faces light up when Mickey or Buzz and Woody come out live in front of them, so to the poster who said the tickets are for the kids, they are also for the mommy's too. Yes, they deserve to see him for as long as possible, but I too deserve a reward for all my hard work too. For the past two years any extra activity has been maybe a rented movie, or I'll take them to get an ice cream and only let them get a kiddie cup for 75 cents, or we get a bag of chips, some juice boxes and go watch the sunset at the bay. I can't afford any more at this time and I work with what I have, so these tickets are a luxury I can not afford on my own. So maybe for some who read this it's a matter of "oh, no big deal, there will be other shows or more tickets", but not for me at this time and they are only little once. It's tough and it stinks but it will be worth it when I graduate college and my kids are seeing mom show dedication, determination and hard work. So, I guess I'm just a little frustrated with the notion of, when dad calls and "announces" he is coming to visit, not asks if this weekend is ok, he just announces this is when he is coming, I am expected to drop everything, cancel all our plans and surrender the kids to him because they deserve to be with him and he doesn't get to see them much. They deserve to be with me too and I don't get to see them much b/c I am either working or studying, yet he thinks he is entitled to my tickets b/c he doesn't get to see them much and he should be the one who gets to see their little faces at the show. My son said once he is glad he is a boy and I asked why and he said because moms have to do all the work and dads get to have all the fun. Well, again, call me selfish, but this time, this mom is going to have some of the fun. Hey, I have an idea, while me and the kids are at the show, dad could stay at our house and throw in a load of the kids laundry or straighten up their rooms for me or stop by the store and get some juice and cereal since he never gets to do any of that either. Sorry, but that felt good and I guess I'm in a Disney fairytale kind of mood, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:59am

You Go Girl.
I like your last post. YOU DESERVE to be rewarded. Listen, I can understand his point of view to an extent. However, he has to understand yours. This is all about COMPROMISE. Thanks to one of our fellow ivillagers, she sent me a book called Ex Etiqutte. It helped me to see that I am not the only one who has "lost" even though that's how it always FEELS. All the hurt can be overwhelming at times and men have a habit showing NO EMOTION and it makes us feel as if they dont care at ALL.

It taught me about COMPROMISE which I have to say the thought of doing that with him after he tore our family apart made me sick to my stomach. I was still very very angry at my ex and realize now that there were times when I, I, made things more difficult than needed to be, times when I, refused to compromise because of my anger. But I was not alone. What made me so furious was that he would always BLAME ME, never accept his part for making things hard between us and he's done so many times. So I made a decision to accept that he wont give me the answers I so desperately wanted, THOUGHT I needed from him. You know what, HE is hurting but is trying his damnest to put up a facade that he is HAPPY but I see right through that now. Sometimes all we want is to know is that we are not alone when our lives are torn apart, that when our ex's do this to us that TOO hurt. We want them to feel our pain, acknowledge that we were " a good woman" and they messed up. Some men are just not "man" enough to do that.

I feel that you are doing the right thing in going to the show. You have all the hard work all the time BY YOURSELF. The sleepless nights, taking care of them when they are sick, Everything. My mom has always said, all the work is always on the mother. Then on top of this he has the nerve not to be paying Child Support! Look sometimes you can compromise but, maybe cancel your plans for him. Granted he doesnt get to see them much but that isnt your fault. He must make the effort. But he too has to realize that he can always expect you to just jump and Cancel your plans ready to throw a guilt trip on you about how he doesnt get to see them. Try explaining to him calmly that this was something that was already arranged and you cant cancel this time, youve been looking forward to it. Let him know it will only be for a couple of hours and your sorry. Ask him to understand. If he refuses then hey you were cordial, honest and willing to compromise.

PLEASE GO TO THE SHOW. You truly deserve it. Have fun and let us know how it went.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:55pm
Thank you luvred2004, your post helped. I was already stressed this week, I have an algebra test, a history test and a 3 page essay on the culture, education and art of Medieval Europe all due this week on top of the ex's visit. I told him I was going to keep my previously arranged plans and he ranted on and on how selfish I was, how I love to make everyones life miserable, blah, blah, blah. Then he tells me that he is staying at the Marriott hotel downtown, a very nice hotel about a 1/2 an hour from our house. There are lots of smaller economy hotels right near our house, but ex has to be the showboat and stay in the fancy hotel.... (keep in mind he has no money for child support), so I asked if he would be paying any child support while he was here and he said no, b/c of the money he has to spend on this trip, he won't have any extra for child support, so I suggested maybe he could stay in a less expensive hotel and pay me the difference for child support and he said "oh, you'd like that wouldn't you" and I said "yes, I would like you to pay some child support instead of staying in a fancy hotel" and he said "it's none of your business how I spend my money". ggrrrrrrrrrr. I am so going to that show!!!!

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