Exactly what I am worried about...
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| Sun, 07-24-2005 - 12:15pm |
When I read scorned33's post today, I sent up a prayer for her and her children as well as others here. What she is going through is exactly what I fear the most. It would be hard enough with two, three blessings to take care of. I have five, one of whom is special needs.
My stbx is going to move. He of course wants to take the children and is suing for full custody. Not on any grounds that I am an unfit mother,etc. He just thinks no matter how bad our relationship was, no matter what, you stay married because the worst marriage relationship is better for any child than a single home of any kind could possibly be. His religious beliefs strictly forbid it. Anyhow, he was doing okay in our marriage, he didn't want anything to change, as long as I kept with his program.
Officially in the court paperwork, his reasoning sounds so 'good', he has much extended family and they have the financial wherewithal to give the children what they need in such a life challenge as a divorce. He points out that I now have no living family members, only an entry level job, and health problems (rheum. arthritis but it is being controlled, a messed up thyroid which makes me lose weight, and onset diabetes.)
When his lawyer and he explain it, it sounds like I am so pitiful and "he just wants to 'help' by keeping and caring for our children in what is 'regrettably' a difficult circumstance for all involved."He does not 'believe' in divorce. He is a religious zealot. I am to be eternally tied to him, or must be erased from the everyday life of the family, or he must extinguish all ties. Sigh. How we got from the basic Christian tenets of faith in Jesus and just living as people who loved God and wanted to take care of our family and others when we could, to his involvement in an ever-increasing conservative, no make that ultra-conservative church and mind set I just cannot figure out. Over about two years, it happened incrementally. That would be better saved for a different post on a different board though. I should have.... left sooner, been stronger, figured out how to be smarter somehow for my kids.
When I left, I should have taken the 12k that was our Christmas account or gotten money from the savings and left with it. I purposely did not do anything behind the scenes..I talked with him, filed two weeks later, got credit cards in my own name and started this path. I thought if I didn't do underhanded things like taking money out of our accounts etc., just be honest and get through this all in the same way I normally would any other challenges I went through in life, that would make what we were going to go through somewhat more easy. Wonder when I will stop being naiive. With his parents considerable influence I imagine - - -Mr. Righteous went right out; had all our credit card accounts frozen of course, took all funds from all bank accounts. He had papers to show how he 'owed' a loan to his parents and that he was just repaying loans that were called due with our money which he would have done had we not been going through the divorce also. Totally not true, but the second judge we were assigned obviously believed him.
So he will move, and he will not pay the cs and/or will delay indefinitely just like he has during the temporary order so that I cannot get the court to collect. The temp order has had his 'company' garnish the cs from his wages from the date of the original order - but it is his parents who are the accountant and administrators of the company. Or he will do things like scorned33's ex. His parents and him own the company he has worked at since he got out of college. They must have somehow had his retirement assets moved around or covered well, as if he has none. They had the house we were supposedly buying from them with monthly lease payments, for the past 15 years made to look as if it was actually a rental, and there is nothing my former lawyer could find to prove different, at least not at the earlier stages of the divorce. (I really have not ever wanted his retirement or even alimony, only cs to help take care of the children. But the point is, he has things figured out and planned for and I do not know what I will be able to do about it.)
What I wonder is, if the court does let me have at least full physical custody of the children and joint legal, which is what I asked for from the beginning, wanting them to have as much of a relationship as is possible or until they are older and make choices about whether they want to keep one, with their father. If I run along, somehow get us an apartment that I can have 5 children in, get help from the county and state, ie food stamps, or whatever I can qualify for...can he just swoop in and have Social Services investigate me for basically being poor? If I get a second job, and my oldest could watch the little ones for a few hours of several evenings a week that might work. I have friends who could watch them one or two nights a week but that would be all I could ask, they have their own lives going on too. I am not just whining here; I am trying to discern if I am just being selfish because I love them so very much and am going to put them through h*ll, while he is offering to take them, move to a great mid-sized town in the mountain states with good schools; he will have a huge house for them and a great place to grow up in. I am calling lawyers, I am reading books from the library, searching online, have talked to friends, I am praying, though my faith doesn't work too good anymore.
There are moms here (and maybe a few dad's) who have so much more difficult of a situation to handle; I send good vibes and thoughts your way and hope the sun will shine down through the clouds for you this upcoming week. Thanks much, hugs ~ Anna

Only you can decide what is better for your children. If he's going to leave and you will be working two jobs and they will be in worse schools, I can see how they could be better with him. But if it were me I would never hand over full custody. I would fight knowing (it seems in your case) he's going to cut you out of the picture where you know you would continue to support the relationship the children have with the children. What are your chances of moving to where he wants to move to? What if you went to court and agreed to ALL of you moving on the condition you have full or 50/50 custody and receive child support in an amount that allows you to continue to support the children. Also, why give up on alimony? If it allows you the opportunity to go back to school and get a better paying job then you might be doing your children a disservice by not asking for that.
I have RA too. It is not something that makes you incapable of caring for your children as you well know. Make sure the judge knows that too and that you will not settle for being less than a 50/50 parent. It's hard to imagine a judge taking custody away from a mother who's willing to agree to 50/50, but I also know that without a lawyer your chances of winning are very much impaired. Still, you are doing all the right things as far as taking the high road (other than not asking for alimony IMHO) and whatever happens you will always know you did what you felt was best.
He may make his story look good on paper, but you can make yours sound just as good. Point out his plan leaves the children very little time with mom (take it from the children's perspective instead of from yours) and that is not in their best interests. Your plan would maintain the relationship with both parents. Show you are just as reasonable and fair as he is, but that your plan is more in the children's best interests.
Dear Anna,
Your post is so beautiful.
Anna,
You and your children are on my prayer list now. My heart hurt reading about your situation. I have been "at war" with a very domineering man for the last 2+ years over custody. He has been determined to get full custody of our kids as revenge for divorcing him. We have joint physical of 3 kids, one is grown. Just this past week, he has finally decided to stop fighting me, our impending jury custody trial is now not necessary. Maybe he's tired, maybe he's afraid of losing custody or money, or maybe God has spoken to his heart. Only time will tell if it's a lasting change.
You got some good suggestions from firstammendment. Maybe you can do joint, move to the same area and share custody and take advantage of his higher earning ability and family. Let him take on some of the responsibility for raising the kids now while you take care of your health and re-educate yourself. Family court judges have a lot of leeway in what they can order. They might even order your ex to pay for you to move, maintenance/alimony, etc. to make it possible for you to effectively co-parent the kids. No judge wants the kids to lose contact with a loving, capable mother, no matter how rich Dad is and no matter how poor or sick or uneducated she is. Not fighting for full custody might be the best solution. Usually, even when you add up the actual time a non-custodial parent can get with their children it amounts to 30% or more over a year.
Something to think about...
Putting the kids first is different in every situation and always requires self-sacrifice.
Good luck to you,
Cupcake
Thanks so very much - I have gotten such encouragement from those who have taken their valuable time and written some hints to me or info. I so appreciate it. I will not stop trying to figure it out; I love my kids so much; what a blessing they are to me. I am trying to think clearly and not just with emotions reacting, fear or otherwise. One of the custody suggestions for minimum that I went over with the lawyer I used to have - he had me write down the minimum I thought the children would be able to still have a meaningful relationship with me if we had to negotiate my not having primary custody, and it came out to be 76 days per year that were overnights, plus midweek visits that were not overnight. (4 consecutive weeks in the summer, three day weekends or up to one week in each season - spring, New Years and Harvest time, and a midweek non-overnight visit weekly. That would mean if he got primary physical, have them 287 days or so - if anyone can tell me the formula for figuring out that percentage I would appreciate it. He will not agree to this amount of visitation from me even; but it is the least I would consider. If he gets custody, I will move as soon as I can to a city near wherever he moves them to; might take six months or so to be able to get there though. I do not want to live in the exact same community or city; I need to have space away from him or I will just continue in this co-dependent/enabler type of relationship with him being a control freak and me having no life or good connection with the children because I am too busy being the peace-maker and the easy one as its always been. Its hard for me to deal with confrontation with him, as maybe some of you might understand.
I gave him back his 25 page supposed custody 'judgement' as he calls it; with the minimal visitation I could accept, but with no limitations on where the children visit me as long as it is safe and clean. I crossed out the 'sole legal' he had written on the draft and penned in joint legal; I asked for some Christmas ornaments the kids made when they were little and that is it. I told him if the judge determines he should get full/sole legal and primary physical, I will not upset the children further by pursuing it, but I will not willingly sign any such thing.
The pre-trial hearing is this Friday. The judge had said if we didn't come in with an agreement he was going to assign a lawyer specifically for the children. I have no idea how I will pay for that, and really don't know what it means, but I guess I will see soon. I was worried stbx wouldn't let the kids come tonight for our time together, since it is my half of the week, but he did. What can I do if he just keeps them from me? He sent me a sarcastic email of course and screamed at me on my cell phone but I just hung up after saying 'This is not productive and I am ending the conversation now.' The children came over to my place saying their father told them there is a court date Friday but that he is not going to go/show up. I told them not to worry about it; that we adults are working things out to the best we can for them and just dropped it. But I wonder. I do not want to get my hopes up - and I doubt he really won't show up based on what he said in his email; but if he doesn't, maybe the judge will reschedule, but maybe he will make some sort of intermittent ruling if he will just let me talk and show him this supposed 'judgement' that the stbx had drawn up - then he can see how controlling the stbx is and that he is basically saying if I want a divorce, I have to give up 99% of any connection with my children, and I just cannot sign that in good faith of knowing that is not best for the children. They need as much of both of us as we can work out. That is not just my selfishness talking. Of course I want them completely, and for him to just have them for part-parenting time as we have been doing in this temporary year - but he is the one moving away, by his own choice.
I figure he will show up though and have his impressive lawyer with him and all sorts of documents and briefs and official papers. I have some handwritten notes in a notebook I call my divorce log which has both problems I have had with him and sweet notes of things the children and I have done together, some receipts of what I have bought for the children during the three months of our last temporary order from this judge, and emails to support some things I assert I have said or communicated to him and info about the sketchy supposed cs payments etc, and some emails which he sent that have somewhat threatening tones/hints or are very insulting. I have my bank account deposits showing I got a job almost two months ago, and my lease showing I have an apartment and that is the extent of my 'side'. It is all I have; it is my best. I have been on time and had what I could with me each time; but I really only am given yes or no questions from the judge. I am not a drama queen at all; but seem to cry the whole time, not loud histrionics but just boo hooing and it is embarrassing and keeps me from being able to speak very clearly; but I cannot seem to help it; it must be an underlying stress or depression I guess.
I just cry at the oddest times, and the court days are so scary to me. I look out and there is his parents and sometimes his/our old friends have been there; it is hard to ignore who is in the gallery. There are two rows of 8 or 10 seats on each side of the back part of the courtroom. People are also there who are waiting for their turn to go before the judge next. I am past the point of being embarrassed; I am so nervous about doing anything that might hurt my chances of getting the kids. I know so many of you are going through really, really difficult times and I am remembering you in my thoughts too. I am not used to this thing of just dealing with things as they happen; I want to think it out and try to have some answer waiting for whatever the judge will ask, but I can only do what I can do and that is all right now. Be blessed all of you going through such difficult times; and hug your little and big kids tightly when they are near. Thanks, Anna
Anna, DO NOT let this man control you and your children !!!!
It is NEVER in a child's best interest to move away and sever ties with their mom.
Custody, and the ability to be a great parent, has absolutely nothing to do with how much money your family may or may not have.
Most courts today do not take kindly to a parent who tries to alienate the other parent or cut them out of their child's life. You need to make sure that the judge sees that this is what is happening and let it be known, in no uncertain terms that you will NOT stand by and let it happen.
Are your kids unhappy in the school they are in now??? Are they unhappy in the city you live in now?? If not, moving to a 'nicer' neighborhood and going to a 'nicer' school may not be in their best interest. Divorce is hard enough on children without totally uprooting them and taking them away from school, friends, neighbors, etc.
Please do not settle for minimal visitation with your kids...you need them and they need you. Parenting is a 50/50 deal...regardless of money or religious beliefs. Be there for your kids every minute you can be there.
Anna,
You're going to have to be very very strong right now. The judge appointing an attorney for your children will be THE VERY BEST THING that could happen now. Where I am it's called a guardian ad litem and they act only in the best interests of the kids and report only to the judge. Your ex can't tell them what to do. If you don't have the $$, the judge will make your ex pay, but the kids' attorney is accountable only to them, the court will make sure of that.
From what you describe, the records you are keeping are great-definitely keep a written record of what happens, on a daily basis, between you and the kids, between you and ex, at school, on visitations, etc. Keep your financial records as you have, any drawings or notes from the kids. Keep your medical records to document that your disease is not debilitating.
Take this with you on Friday and anybody you can for moral support. Is there anybody who will act as a witness to your mothering abilities?
As to moving to be nearer the kids, IMHO, you need to be right around the corner. Close physical proximity makes co-parenting much easier.
I will be thinking about you on Friday and hoping you can remain calm and not fall to pieces emotionally. You need your wits about you. DO NOT SIGN ANY AGREEMENTS WITH THIS MAN! In my opinion, it is to your advantage to go to court. Your ex is trying to take extreme advantage of you. The system will not allow that, no matter how powerful his attorney and family are.
You've got a hard job ahead to change the way you behave and think around this man, but you can do it. I can tell you're a smart lady from the excellent way you express your written thoughts.
Remember, be strong, you CAN do this, and that judge is REALLY on the kids' side and will see through this manipulative man. Judges have seen it all.
Breathe deeply and stay calm,
Cupcake
I think the lawyer being appointed for your children is a good thing. I think you sound like a devoted and loving mother who only wants the best for them, and I think that someone will see that. I would not agree to any sort of minimal custody arrangement or anything - fight him. Don't let him control you with his superior, supercilious attitude, high priced lawyer, or anything else. Don't let him get inside your head, and make you think he is the only one who knows what is best for you children. You bore them, raised them, love them, know them. YOU ARE qualified to be their parent. Regardless of money. You have love. Which sounds like more that what that control freak has for them.