An excerpt from a great book......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
An excerpt from a great book......
13
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 4:52pm

I am reading a great book called Ex Etiquette for Parents Good behavior afer a divorce or separation. I have A LOT of great excerpts but this one caught my eye. I know a lot of us are dealing with the pain of infidelity.


This book does a lot of question answer.


Question:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:09pm
While I agree that bashing your spouse is no way to begin the healing process it is a way for some people to vent their feelings and frustrations in a manner that won't cause problems with their stbx. I know for myself, it has taken the past 8 months of venting for me to be at a place where I am ready to agree with you. I needed to get a bunch of stuff out before I could really feel it was time to start to focus on me and not my spouse. I still feel like bashing sometimes, and I feel like that is okay because it is part of the two steps forward two steps back healing process. I, for one, hope that we all remember the difficult times when all we could do was vent so that we can help others get to the point where they don't need to do that all the time. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:55am
I think the key part of that phrase is being "stuck" in anger mode. The anger phase is common in coming to terms with divorce, and sometimes venting and namecalling are part of getting the phase out of your system. I think that's healthy. But sometimes you can become stuck in that phase, or in the case of infidelity, you might make peace with your ex, but continue to carry resentment for the OW. In that case I do agree with you, steinberg, that you're hindering the healing process. If you actively carry negative feelings from the past with you, you're letting someone who isn't a part of your life now affect your life now. It's not easy to let go of the negativity, but it's a lot easier to have a happy, healthy future when you're carrying less baggage from the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:26am

To all...read this book and visit the website--good stuff.

I own and have read and re-read this book; it contains wonderful examples of how to achieve co-parenting. As one of the other posters said, it does not deal with how to co-parent with a "toxic" ex as in my case. But even I have gotten much out of it as to how to model my behavior even if ettiquette is not returned to me.

I liked this quotation. I have ZERO respect for either my ex or his new wife based on their choices and behaviors toward me and the children. However, I CAN TOLERATE them. What I DO respect is my girls' love for their father...I love them enough to respect THAT no matter what he does to me.

Toleration, today. Perhaps acceptance in the near future and respect somewhere down the line.

I'm no saint, today I take comfort in the fact that although she's younger than me, she laughs like a horse and walks like a man. HEE HEE

Deviantly yours,
Cupcake

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