ExH wants to reconcile. I do not. Help.
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|Sat, 01-19-2013 - 9:48pm|
Hi all. Could use some input. I got divorced last year. It was a mutual decision and an amicable split. Well, now that some time has passed and reality has set in, my exH regrets everything, thinks we acted hastily and wants us to consider putting the work in to reconcile. I have said several times in several different ways that we need to focus on our new "relationship" as coparents and friends. I do not want to hurt him badly since he battles depression. It kills me every time he brings it up and i have to shoot the idea down. It makes me feel like the bad guy that is keeping our family apart. (We have a 4-yr old DD who has adjusted beautifully),
To me, that ship has sailed. Trust is gone. I am also in a serious, commited relationship that is not a rebound. this is the real deal.
I spoke to him more directly today - telling him we would not be able to reconcile and I am sorry he is feeling incomplete. I do not want him to live in a world of regret. I honestly want him to be happy. He cried and it kills me to see him so upset. I worry about him.
We were married for almost 10 years. We came to the conclusion together to divorce. We did not even use attorneys - went to mediation.
We just did NOT communicate well. Communication = intimacy. Intimacy = sex. The lack of communication and sex lead to him having an emotional affair in 2009 (I forgave and we tried to move on) and then another affair beginning in 2011 (so I think) that I found out about in 2012. I had told him if it happened again, I was gone. I mean what i say.
Plus he is 9 years older than me. I am just coming into my own in my mid 30s and he is set in his ways in his early 40s. Just old fashioned "growing apart"
How can I help my ex to see that what's done is done and move on without kicking a dog when it's down? I carry guilt and am having trouble fully moving into the next stage of my life. Thank u in advance for any thoughts.