Experience w/counsdling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Experience w/counsdling?
7
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:51pm

Wondering if anyone's had any experience w/counseling & if they would like to share?

Thx.
Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:01pm

Do you mean individual or couples counselling?

My husband wouldn't go to counselling but I did on my own when he left. I found it very helpful and an important part of rebuilding my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:04pm
either really - but I am going w/my husband & wondering if there are any couples out there that it really helped or if I'm just wasting my time - I think we are both open to it & committed - so we'll see...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 7:08am
My marriage counselor told us you both needed to be honest and committed to make the marriage work through counseling. Unfortunately, my husband went to 2 sessions and quit. Pretty committed, huh? But, I am going alone now, and it has helped quite a bit. Not the easiest thing in the world to do, but definately helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:40am

thx for sharing - yep - committed right...

and yes just going to the sessions alone tells you something, huh?

there's a total of 8 free ones - so just have to wait & see i suppose, lol.

& congrats to you for sticking in there to bring about more insight & awareness in your life concerning relationships & growing - everyone could use it!!

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:33pm

My husband and I were in counseling for three years. Although we are getting separated, I felt we got a lot out of it. Ultimately, we are who we are, and I decided to leave. But we learned a lot about communicating, how our pasts affect who we are, and allowed us the opportunity to express our concerns in a safe environment. The key is to be COMPLETELY honest, because that is the only way it can get better. And it may get worse before it gets better, but that's normal.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:53pm

Thx for sharing - that is something I'm faced w/. I know that counseling will probably be something that will bring about new knowledge & make things clearer to understand...but the real question is will anything change, if so - how much and how much if anything will I be able to sacrifice or tolerate in order to have a marriage w/him? Or anyone else for that matter...hmmmm. Does finding the perfect fit ever really occur - I know not, nothing is perfect - but what level of imperfection can you take - lol.

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:34pm

I have had a mixed bag with couceling.

My ex-wife would claim that I had anger issues and that I was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

We had attended marriage couceling almost from the start of the marriage. As long as "we" (myself, ex-wife, and coucelor) focused on me being the ruined emotional wreck and all around bad guy, my ex-wife was in favor of it.

We went through four different councelors. The pathology was always the same. We'd start out by elaborating my faults as a man, father, husband and human being and stay on that track for about three months. The councelor would pull me aside and inform me that clearly the wife has anger issues, so let's keep on doing what we're doing and see if the anger runs out. After about eight months, the councelor would would tell my wife that we've focused on him, let's focus on you. And starting with the very next visit, she would no longer attend. In order to assauge her, I'd keep going.

The last councelor followed the same strategy, but around month four, asked my wife if she had any interest in being married. We focused on that for about a month -- the councelor kept getting more and more direct demanding that couples work was useless unless and until she decided to be married. So my wife stopped going. I continued.

In the end, the counceling greatly helped me out. My ex-wife was the abusive one and I finally stood up to her. (Her little trick was to wait until I fell asleep and then beat me. Or never have sex. Or never touch me. Or to belittle me and yell at me in front of the kids. Or no presents on Christmas for me. No fathers day. No birthday for me. Or demand I account for nearly every minute of time out of her site. Or review every single dollar I ever spent. Or review every single word of every single sentence I spoke. )

During the course of counceling I developed the courage to talk about, deal with and finally greive about being chronically raped by a family friend for seven years as a child (11 to 17). I faced the fact that I must actively deal with depression. And I faced the fact that I had no marriage and that my "wife" cruel and regularly hit me.

I am a much calmer person now. I am at peace with myself and my life most ofthe time.

So the message here is to focus on yourself. If you are expecting marriage counceling to help you focus on your partners faults, you are wasting your time. (This also includes rationalizing your own bad behaviours.)

If you are expecting to help yourself to be a better person and healthier emotionally and in relationships, you'll do well, but it will take time.