Ex's GF interferring with shared custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Ex's GF interferring with shared custody
11
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:05pm

My ex and I finally came to a shared custody agreement that we can both live with. We've been working this agreement for the last six months. He takes the kids every Mon,Tuesday. I have them every Wed, Thurs and we alternate Fri,Sat,Sun. It works out well for me because I work 12 hour shifts every Mon,Tue and the only day I have to worry about childcare is every other Friday. My mother or sister will usually pick my youngest up at daycare and watch her till I get home at 8. I am home exclusively with the kids on Wed and Thursdays.

His GF is having a kitten about it now because the way it's worked out he has the kids for 5 days straight every other week. She doesn't like having to get used to having him there for 5 days and then he's gone for 5 days with the kids. This really ticks me off because I have to request the same days off every week in order to be there for my kids and am not going to rearrange my work schedule AGAIN so that he doesn't have to have blocks of time away from her.

Wouldn't you think that she could try giving a little and inviting him AND his children to stay at her place part of the weekend or she could bring her kids to his place part of the weekend? They wouldn't have so much time apart if she did that. Seems to me she wants him to do all the work which in turn makes him put pressure on me to rearrange my life. It's not my fault that they are in a relationship where distance is the issue (they're almost an hour apart).

It's also soooooooo not my problem. I am the main money maker for my kids, I provide all the insurances and I have a mortgage. My main concern is making sure my kids are provided for. I get stuck doing the lion's share of it and I'm really hurting for money.

I'm in a relationship too and we find ways of spending time together on our kid weekends, usually having a meal together with all the kids or going somewhere. When there are kids involved you have to find a way to make things work. That's life.

They didn't like it before when he had the kids on my work days which varied somewhat week to week and they pressured me into having a more consistent schedule for the kids' sake. Now they have that and they continue to whine and fuss. Argggggggg.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:02pm
Girlfriend's opinion doesn't count. She could be out of the picture next week and you'd have a custody arrangement based on the needs of some third party who isn't even there. Your custody plan is textbook, a standard arrangment straight out of the guidelines used by just about every court in the country.
I had to deal w/ my X's GF when we were putting our custody together, basically I refused to entertain any consideration of her needs. We ended up w/ an agreement that met the needs of our kids and the reality of my X's work schedule.
With my current BF we have to just work around our respective existing custody arrangements.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:45pm

My ex had originally wanted an alternating schedule where we took turns having Monday and Tuesdays depending on who had them the prior weekend. But to me that's a nightmare for my work schedule because one week I'd have to have Mon & Tues off and then the next week Wed and Thurs. I'm lucky they're willing to work around this schedule as it is. The only other thing I could do is change my work schedule and work 7-3:30 Monday-Friday instead of working three days a week 7a-7p. Leaving the hospital isn't an option for me because I'm in a specialty (surgery) and my hospital pays the best. I'd have to take a cut in pay to leave and I can't afford it.

She's been in his life a little over a year so I don't think she's going anywhere, but she does play punishing games that might push him to pressure me into either having full custody or changing the custody all together. He doesn't want to have to pay childsupport and that's exactly what's going to happen if he gives me full custody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:02pm

Well be hard, say either this or

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:59pm
Not sure how it's going to all work out, we'll just head back to court for mediation if need be. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place because I can't take the kids extra during the week because of work. Right now 12 hour shifts don't impact them because they are with him on two of the days I work and every other Friday. It works out great. If he decides he doesn't want 50/50 custody I'm not sure what I'll do. He's self employed so he can easily weezle his way out of paying child support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 7:03pm
Pardon me if this sounds a little unsupportive, but why are you so willing to do whatever he wants? You now have an agreement that is easier on the kids (consistant, easy for them to keep straight), works with your work schedule, which is harder to change than his. This agreement took a long time to work out, so remediating is not going to be looked at by the legal system favorably, and going for less time will really make your X look bad. The most important aspect is with the current plan, your children are with a parent as much as possible rather than with a sitter.
"She doesn't like having to get used to having him there for 5 days and then he's gone for 5 days with the kids." The court isn't going to care a whit about that. If forcing you to incur higher childcare costs is a financial hardship, the court will consider that. As far as child support is concerned, if the division isn't 50/50 you will likely get some kind of child support. If the court orders it, he has to pay it. More states are going after these deadbeat dads to lower their welfare costs. I'm lucky, my X is a physician, if he doesn't pay his child support, he'll lose his license to practice. Seems crazy but my X would rather die than not be able to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:49am

I hope it all works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:16am
Yes my ex has done that too. I had the kids during New Year's break and he was supposed to get them in the evening New Year's day as I had to go back to work the next day (after almost a week off and had the kids the whole time). He never showed up and there was no number to call to get in touch with him! His cell phone was shut off and GF's home phone conviently was busy the whole time. Hmmmmmm. His only response the next day was "I was confused". I still had the email that carefully outlined the schedule for that week and saw no "confusion".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 6:44am

The BS continues. Week before last I discussed the holidays with my ex. We came to an agreement that I would take the kids Thanksgiving because he had them last year. I asked to have them Christmas eve this year and he could pick them up Christmas morning. He agreed and life was good.

THEN he goes to his GF's for the weekend and comes home and sends me an email saying that the holidays fell on his weekend and I would have to celebrate with them on my weekend because he wasn't going to shuffle them around on Christmas! I get so tired of HER manipulating how we raise OUR kids. Just seems that every word he was saying was a direct quote from her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 8:00am
You really need to go to court and get something in writing in regards to the monday/tuesday deal and child support. I know WHY you are trying to be the nice guy about things because of the money issue and stuff but being the nice guy you are getting walked all over.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:47pm

Isy,


Your Ex's girlfriend didn't understand the perils of being with a man with children, did she? It's obvious she's #1 in her mind and he's trying to placate her every time he tries to change the visitation. Doesn't sound like he's having much fun trying to be with this woman. Too bad if he chooses to stay with her.


Sounds like you've done a great job of working through this so far. I would suggest, however, that you stop trying to be so nice and willing to change to keep his GF happy. Time to

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