ex's girlfriend moved in..
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ex's girlfriend moved in..
| Sun, 03-11-2007 - 9:57pm |
My ex and I have been divorced since Nov after he admitted to having an affair with a married co-worker for 1 yr. Well, the coworker left her husband last weekend and moved in with my ex.
This is all so difficult. I do not want him back at all..that ship has sailed and we have really been working on copartenting our 5 yo son and things were really smoothing out, now this...
It's bad enough to have to deal with the fact that he had the affair and now I am going to have to deal with her AND so will my son. He cannot spend the night there if she is there so he is going to be spending a lot of time with his grandparents according to my ex.
Has anyone dealt with this? Do you have any tips? I know all of this may not last but he has told me that they are going to get married and I am just preparing for the worst that I have to deal with her for the rest of my son's life.
Thanks
Virginia
This is all so difficult. I do not want him back at all..that ship has sailed and we have really been working on copartenting our 5 yo son and things were really smoothing out, now this...
It's bad enough to have to deal with the fact that he had the affair and now I am going to have to deal with her AND so will my son. He cannot spend the night there if she is there so he is going to be spending a lot of time with his grandparents according to my ex.
Has anyone dealt with this? Do you have any tips? I know all of this may not last but he has told me that they are going to get married and I am just preparing for the worst that I have to deal with her for the rest of my son's life.
Thanks
Virginia

I sorta can relate. My STBX moved out 6 weeks ago, 2 weeks later he filed for divorce and 2 weeks after that is seeing someone and bringing the woman and her son into my kids lives already. I've been trying to remain civil through this whole process because we are honestly better off apart. We have an agreement already about custody and support and things have been good. This past Tuesday he ask to take the kids to the local fair. I have no problem with him doing this and even though he brings them back late, I bite my tongue cuz it's really accomplishes nothing to argue with him (9 years of experience has taught me that). Then he tells me he brought along his "friend" and her son. Ok...I was cool with it until he made a statement saying that he treated all the kids equally...EXCUSE ME...his kids should come first, before someone elses kid...esp since they supposedly have only been dating for like 2 weeks (so he says and supposedly it's nothing serious). I told him I didn't agree with him bringing her around and he said he understood...nuff said. Well this past weekend was his weekend with the kids. I go today to pick up my daughter for a party and lo and behold, I end up meeting her cuz she is there. Mind you, he is living with his parents right now and they are allowing her in their house and around my kids and think there is nothing wrong with it. Well, I am glad to actually have met her because I was less than impressed and felt a sense of relief really. I shook her hand and said nice to meet you...I'm not the evil person they make me out to be because she ran to hide when I came in the house. So..my daughter and I leave the house..I don't ask her how her weekend went or anything...just ask her if she is good and ready to go have fun. She starts talking to me about how the girl stayed the whole weekend and how her son slept in the same bed as my son. She seemed sad and her and I have a really strong relationship now so I asked what was wrong. She said she didn't like the fact that her dad was spending all of his time with this other person and not with them on
"their" weekend with him. It hurt my heart to see her like she was...I just wanted to scream at him. I could care less what he does with someone but leave the kids out of it for now...it's so soon and I haven't even been served papers yet. I don't ask the kids things, they are just so comfortable with me that they offer up things just cuz we talk. I found out that he supposedly loves this girl...and that they might have told them that they couldn't see their dad because he has a girlfriend. I talked to him and just asked him if he could take into consideration his kids feelings and not see her when they are with him for now...until every thing else is semi-settled. I think it is rather childish and selfish of him and I would love to tell my oldest exactly how I feel, but I am taking the high road on this and being the better person, so I feel. I tell her I am sorry she is hurting...I will help her as much as I can but she needs to voice her opinion to her father from now on because I have talked to him and nothing I say will change it. If she ever feels uncomfortable around it, I told her to tell her dad and if she wanted to come home, I'd get her. She shouldn't have to be put into that situation when it's already bad enough that her father and I couldn't be adults enough to work out our marriage for their sake.
Each day has been a struggle but I must be strong and stay level headed as much as I can. It's hard...and it hurts...I feel for you. I don't know if I'm being too nice about it or what, but all I care about is making sure my kids are happy and right now they aren't :(
Sadly, most of the girls here can relate with what you are living. Oh, boy!
On my side, I moved out 5 yrs ago b/cause ex was having an affair with the baby-sitter. Fast-forward 5 yrs, they are still together, planning to buy houses and build a family...
Advantages: my kid like her. Disadvantages: my kid likes her.
Advice to you... try to keep the calmest approach to her. She is not the one who cheated on you - HE did (sorry to remind you...). She might - just might - be a decent person, and she will definitely be on her best behaviour with your son. Try your best not to biaise him against her - he will never like her better than you, love her more than you. Relax on that. The more she keeps getting along with your son, the easiest his life is going to be.. Don't judge, don't scream... tell him to be nice, and to remember that he owes her respect at all times, simply because she is the lady his dad is in love with (you don't need to express your thoughts on the matter)...
And don't picture the "happy family"... go out, party your head off and have fun. don't think about it.
Your ex and his cheater gf, when married, will end up divorced -- that's the statistics of this situation. She'll probably dump him because his penis is really small and he's impotent -- that's just the vitriol speaking.
Once divorced, there's nothing you can do about the ex's behaviour.
What you can do is lead your life as the example you want your children to emulate. And trust that they will see and understand the difference.
If the ex and gf create an unsafe environment (drugs, booze, gambling, violence), unhesitantly call the police and have them arrested.
Does all this get better with time?
Virginia
I sooooo get how you are feeling. But the advice given earlier is worth repeating. She is not your problem. It was his choice to cheat on you. While she broke her vows to her husband, she never made any to you. It is an extremely difficult thing to accept but it is true.
Did she make poor choices, sure. Was she a party in what happened to you, yes. But don't let that get in the way of building a life for yourself. Find the support you need to heal and find a happy life.
Time can heal your wounds, if you let it. Time will also tell what kind of role you all play in each other's lives.
As parents, it is our job to protect and love our children as well as to provide for them. We don't get to pick all the people in their lives (boy do I wish I could). She'll never replace you, no one can.
I wish this weren't happening or that it were easier.
I hope that helps.
I can imagine how hard it is for you to deal with the situation. I can say that it seems things are moving rather quickly though, does your son even know this woman? My fiance and I dated for a very long time and got to know each other's kids very well before we moved in together. I'm wondering what legal strength you might have (or if that's something you even want to do to) when your x says your son is going to have to spend more time at the grandparents. That's not fair to your son if he has to be set aside just because this girl is moving in. They should have taken the time for your son to get to know her before she moved in that way the situation would have been more comfortable and your son could be there.
I know you may not like to hear any of this and what I'm saying probably doesn't make it any easier to swallow but I do wonder what you could do legally.
As far as emotionally, from someone who isn't having an easy time either with my anger issues, I think time will help, obviously if you're really struggling you should talk to someone. I can't say I've been in your shoes and I'm sure it's been a difficult spot to be in. I did go through a divorce but it's what I wanted because we were all wrong together. If he was unfaithful then he wasn't the right person for you and hopefully you will give yourself the chance to find the right person. Of course right now that might be the furthest thing from your mind and obviously your x is acting very impulsively and unfortunately there's not a whole lot you can do. I can't control the things my x does when my kids are with him and sometimes that's hard to deal with.
I still do wonder though if you couldn't do more legally when it comes to the situation with your son and your x.
I wish you all the best...
My EX married his last OW ;-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I have a divorced bf with a 5yrold son also...and I have to deal with his XWife ALL the time...for the rest of my life...or as long as I choose to be w/my bf. I don't like it either...but I have no other choice. I love my bf and his son.
I'm sorry that your H had an affair. But all you can do now, is just hope that she is a nice lady that is nice/good to your son.
My bf's XWife didn't want their son to stay at 'our apartment' either...and he complied w/her for awhile...until he decided that he wasnt' going to do that for the rest of his life...and now his son comes over on his regular visitation days with his father...once a week...and every other weekend...
I realize that you don't like this woman and you may never like her. You don't have to. But the truth is, they will probably get married, if he told you that that's what he is going to do.