ex's mental illness
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| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:47pm |
My ex husband has struggled with depression for many years. He was hospitalized for a few weeks about 7 years ago. After that, he was a roller coaster, up and down. Whenever he was down he would try to buy something, change jobs, move, etc to make himself feel better but of course this was a temporary fix. Whenever he is going through the down phase he blames it on the circumstances of the day.
Anyway, he is continuing this pattern now that we are divorced. He will seem to be on top of the world and then crash over and over. The kids notice it but don't know what is going on.
Last night he told me that he cries all the time and was feeling suicidal. I encouraged him to go to his parents or to see his brother. He just wanted to go home and cry. I didn't know what to do so I called his family to let them know that they should check on him. They came to town right away to talk to him and of course as soon as they get there, he "cheers up." Then I look like an overreactor. Once they are gone, he goes back into his slump.
He is not asking me for help. I think that he is in denial. He thinks that things are situational and I think that he is never going to be happy until he fixes what is broken inside.
My question is, Do I let him crash and make him actually ask for help or do I continue to intervene? Am I continuing to enable him? What about the kids? I am so frustrated with him. I just keep thinking that as long as we share the kids, I will be making these kind of phone calls a few times a year.
I feel so frustrated and am tired of all of the responsbility being placed on me. I also am concerned about the effect of this on my current sig other. How fair is all of this to him? He's not complaining but everyone has a limit.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks!!

I would suggest maybe you should talk to your Pastor or someone at a local "family outreach program" that could instruct you on how to deal with this situation carefully.
Certainly, if you think he may be suicidal based on him saying it, then they could direct you of where to turn to report it so that they can intervene and get him some help.
They can also tell you how to handle this situation with your children. Best of luck to you!
My ex is also clinically depressed and was suicidal on and off. It is hard not to rush in and try to help or save them, but I know for me a big part of my divorce was because I didn't want to be his savior anymore. I was done, I just couldn't do it, it was far too much responsibility for me. The biggest relief for me was that I was no longer "in charge" of his feelings. He couldn't blame me or our life (which I thought was a lovely, average American family kind of life) for his misery and we didn't have to suffer through the long stretches of time with living with him as a shadow. I would seperate myself from that situation immediately as much as you worry for your children's sake, do only what benefits them and leave the rest to your ex to process through.
Melanie
He's a big boy now, so let him take care of himself. Let him crash, completely and fully.
You need to be there for your kids, to make sure they don't fall through the cracks or end up in harms way because you have focused on your ex.
The only time I actually worry about or even care about my XH's depression is when the girls are with him. I do worry that he'll start to hit bottom and do something to harm himself and hurt them in the process.
So beyond what goes on with the kids, it's my opinion that he's on his own! The only mental health I'm responsible for now belongs to me and my two dependent daughters!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
Hello,
As a health care professional I highly suggest that you help him! I understand he is your ex, but whatever he does will ultimately affect you and your children. In my state, any person who has threatened homocide or has suicidal ideations can be involuntary placed in a mental health facility. I strongly urge you to insist that he seeks short term INPATIENT treatment. This will last 2-4 days and they can figure out what meds will be best for him and also start with individual counseling. I think he is having a hard time with many things and counseling/therapy will be long term (like most mental illnesses).
Mental illness needs to be taken VERY seriously. I wish the best for you and your family. Good luck.
NPTOBE
Thank you all for your thoughts. I talked with the counselor yesterday and I am meeting with him this morning. He has indicated that I need to let my ex deal with his own issues and just focus on doing what I need to do to watch out for the kids. Unfortuantely, to me this means watching out for my ex as well. I haven't quite figured out how to handle all of this but your ideas help.
What a mess.