ex's new baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
ex's new baby
11
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 7:14pm

I am soooo confused right now. My ex came to town with his wife and new baby. When he comes to town, he makes sure to visit my mother and this time was no exception. This time, however, he brings his new baby with him for the visit. I am torn on several levels:
1. this baby is with the woman he left me for
2. he and his wife use my daughter's baby crib and such for the new baby. I paid for the stuff because at the time, my ex thought buying baby furniture was stupid. when we divorced, he took the furniture while i was not around.
3. my mother and sisters were all over cooing the baby and it hurt like hell to see them do so.

I am frustrated because a new baby is such a blessing and this baby has nothing to do with the decisions his parents made. At the same time, i don't want to coo over him and i don't want the expectation that i should think he's cute or special. When they were at my family's house, i couldn't take watching the spectical so i asked my mother if she needed something from the store and i got out of there with my handy excuse.

As far as the crib and such, on one level, i wanted to save it for my daughter. i chose it with care and i paid a lot for it. on the otherhand, perhaps if they would have asked for it or offered to buy it, i would have felt like i had some control and was given minimal respect in the matter.

as for watching my family go nuts over the baby, what else could they have done? I love babies too. at the same time, they know the circumstances and the pain i feel about the situation and because of that, i felt so betrayed by them.

when i returned from the errand the ex and the baby had gone home--okay, i drove past until i saw that his car was gone before i returned. my mother and sisters were busy just talking about the baby and how great it is for them to get a baby. they asked me why i didn't hold him and told me that i am wrong for not wanting to have feelings for him since he's a sibling to my daughter. i told them that i am just not there yet. they wouldn't relent.

I probably sound so horrible for feeling so much anger about my ex's visit, but i can't help it. any suggestions on how i can deal with this when this happens again--because the ex will return with the baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 7:33pm

My ex and I are not yet divorced. Soon 8/9/05. But try explaining to your DD that not only did your daddy cheat but he cheated with someone you call "Auntie". (No relation his sister's sis-in-law)

I haven't told my 5yr old that but when she gets older she will ask and I will tell. A baby is a blessing and your child and my child were probably the best thing out of our marriages and the only good thing also.

I can't stand my ex but it was me who made the decision at teh Friend of the Court to either allow my ex and his new child to be around my DD when he had visitation or not. I chose to allow my DD to know her. But that doesn't mean I have too.

This child isn't anything to me and I don't talk about her and if my DD brings her up I just listen and then say "hey lets talk about you because you are mommy's girl and I want to know...."

My family and his family WERE close but not since this happended. Happened while we were separated and he was telling everyone we would get divorced but hmmmm I Had to pay for it. He denied the rumors and this other child the whole time to my face and my mother's face stating "***** (our DD) is my ONLY BABY EVER!!!" Told him over andover that I was going to find out tell me and he denied it up until the birth of this other baby. Took our DD to meet her new sister before I had a chance to explain it to her. She kept saying "Mom how did Auntie have my sister if you and daddy are married?" I went ballistic because that should of been him telling me FIRST and then US telling our DD together not HIS and HER decision. She told my DD "I just wanted to give you a sister because you didn't have one."

His whole family knew and lied to my face and my friends (which date his friends) all kept their mouths shut and now I have new friends and they won't lie to me.

I don't hate this other child I don't have any feelings for her. Does that make me a bad person no it doesn't. And I don't think you sound like you are awful for feeling the way you do. I have yet to run into these people and when I do I will hold my head high and know that I don't lie to cheat. YOu will come around and so will I when this other child will be just that. OUr main concern are our children.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 8:02pm
OMG!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2005
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 11:40pm

WOW, I am SO impressed. You must be one heck of a woman!!

I cannot imagine, number one, that anyone who had an affair, and a baby as a result of that affair, would have the audacity to visit his ex-in-laws. My family would be quietly cordial, but absoluty cannot imagine them ooohhing and aaahing over the baby and welcoming someone who hurt their daughter so badly into their home with such open arms. Nothing against the baby at all, not its fault, but that is just unbelievable in my book.

Not only that, I would EXPLODE if they criticized me for not following suit. What did they expect you to do??? I think you handled yourself with dignity....something your EX and the OW obviously do not have. The same with the furniture....extreme class, girl!!! Should nominate you for sainthood. lol.

You stay strong and keep that dignity. You are obviously the one who is better off and the one with some class. KEEP IT UP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 7:46am

Hi TV,

I can't even imagine having to endure my family cooing over ex's and ow's baby! ugh! And, i absolutely love babies, but for your mom to have them in her home, everyone making a big fuss, and then to chide you for not being all freaking happy--NOT! They were wrong, doll, not you!

And who is this tramp other woman, who wouldn't demand a brand new crib for her baby?! Not that your crib isn't in great shape--but hello, if I'm with a man, i don't want his ex's stuff!! That just proves that she is an ignorant hussy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 12:00pm
Thanks for the feedback and support. I felt so badly about not feeling anything for their baby, but I just don't have it in me to be happy for them. And as far as the crib, Amen! I wouldn't want some other woman's stuff--especially something like a crib--something that would probably provoke old memories. Call me the jealous type, but I want my own stuff. As far as my DD is concerned, I too, either change the subject of the baby or I tell her "oh that's sweet" and then change the subject. Perhaps as time goes on I can feel differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:34pm

I second what cheaters never win wrote. You keep right on taking the high road.

You were SO RIGHT to leave and not come back until they had gone.

I would be so upset with my family if they did what yours did. Have you told them you're unhappy that they still maintain the friendship with your ex? There's a big difference between maintaining a cordial relationship when you come across one another at a kids' birthday party or game and inviting your ex into your home. That crosses the line to me. Why on earth does your Mom allow him in her home?

I think your feelings of anger betrayal are absolutely normal. I hope your family will be able to understand that their behavior has let you down. Please tell them how hurt you were by how they treated him and the baby. Only your daughter has any connection to that baby--nobody else.

In my opinion you are totally entitled to request of your mom to stop inviting/allowing him/new wife/baby into her home. If she refuses, then you are totally entitled to leave immediately when/if he shows up again. As well, you are totally entitled to leave any conversation about them. Your family should be supporting you and your feelings and going ga-ga over somebody else's baby--there's lots of 'em.

Hugs from Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 3:45pm

I don't blame you at all for being upset in that situation...I know that I would be.

You can't control what your ex does, obviously, but I think it would be okay for you to tell your family how you feel and ask that they respect those feelings.

Your DD has a sibling now...unfortunately, its not under good circumstances...but she might want to have a relationship with that sibling at some point, and there's nothing wrong with that...children shouldn't be punished for what their parents did...so you might also keep that in mind for the future as to how you act regarding your ex.

Hugs to you...take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 3:58pm

What a tough situation!.... and my guess is that if your EX had handled things differently (like asking to use/buy the furniture, rather than sneaking it away.... and waiting to have a baby in the first place!) that you might feel more like cooing over your child's sibling.... or at least feel more tolerant..... and I, too, think it's just weird that your EX drops by your family's house.... I mean, was he picking up or dropping off your child, or did he just really drop by????


I would... and have... spoken to my EX-in-laws when we've bumped into each other along the way.... but I've never just dropped in for an all out visit, and would feel uncomfortable doing so.


Hang in there... your family isn't wearing your shoes and you are entitled to your feelings.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 6:24pm

Well hun I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. My ex and the OW are expecting next month a baby girl. I am 33 and he always told me he wanted no more children and I wanted sooo badly to have one more and especially a girl because we have twin boys together. I was ANGRY and DEVISTATED when I found out...I am afraid of what my reaction will be once the baby is here.
I have added things with my ex but were talking about you here...

Wow - boundaries need to be set here - you do not have to have emotional attachment to this baby and its insane if you did??!!! With your family - you need to sit them down and say look - Im still hurting and mourning the loss of my marriage I was betrayed in the worst way and you have no right to TELL me or try and control how I feel or act. Now because you are my family it would be great if you had respect for my feelings. Im not saying for you not to have a friendship with my ex but please keep me apart from it.
For your ex and the new upstanding woman he is with --- ugh hun -- no contact or conversation excerpt for about your child you have together - then you have no worries of emotional boundaries being crossed.
I fully do not expect to be having any conversations nor interaction with this new child what so ever and thank GOD my family despises my ex that he would NEVER show up on any of their door steps.

As to the crib - hey there is bad memories attached to that one regardless and if you have a new child you will want fresh new furniture for your fresh start...and it will be fun shopping for that babies very own crib. Its a CRAPPY thing but try and let that one go'

many many hugs and watch for my post in September when I have MY meltdown!!

Lizbeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:46pm

Thanks so much for the kind words and sage advice. I do have to remember that this is my DD's sibling so I try as hard to be careful. I think she senses I am not too thrilled-kids are smarter thatn we are--but she still points out things about him. I listen and then say how nice and then change that subject.

Lizbeth, my heart goes out to you. The finding our is one thing (my ex announced it to me as he handed me court papers so that he could get the DD child support reduced so that his new wife can be able to stay home with the baby), the actual birth becomes another. In my case, folks all around me want to know how that baby is doing. How would I know? It seems that folks who haven't had the experience like to tell us about the innocent child thing. We know that. We're not blaming a baby for our feelings; we just don't feel like a celebration--have to have it happen to you before you know the feeling. I hope the folks in your life are considerate to your feelings--especially after the birth. Keep us posted.

best,

tvgirl

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