Extremley difficult situation ..opinion?
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| Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:20am |
Long story short....I have been M for 9 years ....in a very abusive relationship(not so much physical as emotional)My stbx has twisted my mind into a pretzel for years ....very controlling ,manipulative,what my therapist describes as "lethal "beahvior....
My only sin(granted ,its a big one )...I have been seeing another man for 2 years,long distance (1000 miles between us )...we are very much in love and would like for things between us to progress ....
my HUGE problem ....my three babies....
although it does them absoultley no good to have their dad following me ,and starting trouble :fights ,watching me through the window in the middle of the night etc....THey still love him ,and he loves them ,and is a great dad ....But they have a very difficult life here ...I am a full time student ,so we do what we can to make ends meet ,and I am so depressed most of the time ,have absolutley no energy ,we dont really have to 'happy family "life that I want for them ....
I want them to have a happy life ...without all the static that their dad causes ....and I want a life with my OM ...WITH my kids ...
so heres the issue ....over the next year or so ,I plan to make a move to where my OM lives ....anyone have any ideas about how to make custody work?right now their dad see them about every weekend ,and sometimes during the week ....he doesnt keep them overnight bc he lives with his mom,and there is really no place for them to sleep etc.
I WILL NOT give up my kids ,and could easily get full custody and do what I want ...(given his history...abuse ,violence ,alcoholism etc)...BUT I dont want to take them away from him .....how would I arrange visits etc.when there are 1000 miles between them ?
although I know it would be in their best intrest to NOT be around here ,drug through all this mess for the rest of their lives ,I also realize that its not in thier best intrest to take them away completly ,and that not what I am trying to do ....I just want to be with the man I love ,and I want my kids with me ....
I am open to any and all suggestions ,if you have any .....

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alliedrw...
PG isn't a lawyer, but judging from what you've written...it wouldn't hurt to consult with one!
You didn't indicate if your stbx was in a relationship similar to yours? This could determine 'child custody' and whether his presence is dangerous for the 3 children you have?
Sorry...but I can't condone your long-distance love affair...no matter how abusive your stbx has been! Simply because your past behavior sends out a signal (to your children) that "cheating" is OKAY? Depending upon the legal system where you are, a judge could prevent you from having the kids too!!!
Pianoguy
I never asked you to condone anything ....you cant even begin to judge a situation that you know nothing about ....
I told my stbx about the other relationship LONG bf it was even a relationship....asked for a divorce then ...BUT I BELONGED to him ..and had no choices ,if I had left then or made him leave ..he would have killed me ...
I am NOT trying to justify what I have done ....I acknowledge that it is morally wrong ....
and am not asking for opinions on my extra marital relationships ....My stbx is a lethal psychotic codependant alcoholic..who in a fit of rage has held a loaded .38 special to my head on more than one occasion IN FRONT of my children ,tried to run me over with the car ,,,,JUMPED out of my car ,with me going 60 MPH ,my kids screaming in the back seat .....YEAH...I can CLEARLY see where a judge would give HIM custody ...LOL
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
And yet you allow unsupervised visitation with your children to this loose cannon??? How do you know he wouldn't harm them to get back at you? It has happened many times before.
It sounds to me from your response to PG that you just want everyone to tell you it is okay to leave your husband for another man and take his kids away. Unless someone tells you that, I expect you to post another scathing response.
he is always supervised when he has the kids ....
and<<<<<<<<<< It sounds to me from your response to PG that you just want everyone to tell you it is okay to leave your husband for another man and take his kids away.>>>>>>
nope not at all ....Just would like for anyone who wants to judge ,to have a walk in my shoes first .....
I am not leaving him for another man ,but for my sanity....
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
AND ..IF I had told you that I had found someone and fell in love AFTER I got out of the marriage ...and wanted to move to be with him ....would it change the situation ....nope not a bit ....isnt that clearly within my rights as a person ?what if it was for a job ? or some other reason ? would it make a difference ?
Forgive the change of screen name ...I forgot to log back in under my new name ....
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
Hugs, Brenda
Hi there.... I know that this is a "divorce" support board... but many of the folks that post here have been the one betrayed in a relationship, so there's sort of bitter air when a situation like this pops up.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I don't have any personal experience with long-distance visitation, but I am sure there are others on this board that have been able to make it work somehow.
Is there any possibility that yout BF could relocate to where you live?
As for the fact that you had an affair....I am really in no position to judge. I used to think only "bad" people had affairs. I have come to learn that life is not as black and white as it seems.
He has a child as well ...and has full custody now that his ex wife moved across the state ,she drives there and picks him up every other weekend ...
AND my stbx would make sure all of our lives were destroyed ,thats the only reason I was thinking of going there ....
BTW thanks for the NON judgement...I also thought at one time that only 'bad"people had affairs ....that it was disgusting ,and no reason for it ....I learned quickly that I had no right to judge anyone ,and every situation is different .you cant stop love ....with or without a ring on your finger ....
Thanks for all the comments
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
Allie, given some of these responses, I wouldn't blame you if you're not here anymore, but just in case, I thought I'd share some ideas with you.
I think a lot of the negative responses you've gotten about your new relationship are probably from men, at least mostly, and from men who were cheated on and are walking around with the idea that they did nothing to bring it about. The truth is, their wives probably suffered and complained of their needs not being met and not being heard forEVER before they finally cheated. In most cases, I'd say that's probably true.
What I wonder about is WHY, why on Earth you would WANT to go straight out of one relationship and into another? You're already in a relationship where you've surrendered too much of your personal power to your husband, but instead of learning how to stand on your own and make sure that whatever unconscious motivations drew you to him are healed, you're going straight to someone else. The odds that you are choosing someone just as abusive, just as controlling, albeit differently from your husband, are HUGE. I know you feel happy now, but I'm sure that everyone here would agree unanimously that our exes/soon-to-be-exes/possibly-to-be-exes all seemed like prince or princess charming when we first met them.
You owe it to your kids not to drag them through a minefield of relationships. I know you probably already have your mind made up, but I really think you're making a mistake. If he's really the right one, he'll be around after five years or so of being involved but living separately.
I'm starting to see the end of my marriage, and I am in NO HURRY to find someone else. I mean, it was finding someone that caused you that grief!
Advice, see a lawyer, see what s/he thinks, get custody to the greatest extent possible, and document everything your ex does because he sounds dangerous from the way you describe it.
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