Extremley difficult situation ..opinion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Extremley difficult situation ..opinion?
16
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:20am

Long story short....I have been M for 9 years ....in a very abusive relationship(not so much physical as emotional)My stbx has twisted my mind into a pretzel for years ....very controlling ,manipulative,what my therapist describes as "lethal "beahvior....

My only sin(granted ,its a big one )...I have been seeing another man for 2 years,long distance (1000 miles between us )...we are very much in love and would like for things between us to progress ....

my HUGE problem ....my three babies....

although it does them absoultley no good to have their dad following me ,and starting trouble :fights ,watching me through the window in the middle of the night etc....THey still love him ,and he loves them ,and is a great dad ....But they have a very difficult life here ...I am a full time student ,so we do what we can to make ends meet ,and I am so depressed most of the time ,have absolutley no energy ,we dont really have to 'happy family "life that I want for them ....

I want them to have a happy life ...without all the static that their dad causes ....and I want a life with my OM ...WITH my kids ...

so heres the issue ....over the next year or so ,I plan to make a move to where my OM lives ....anyone have any ideas about how to make custody work?right now their dad see them about every weekend ,and sometimes during the week ....he doesnt keep them overnight bc he lives with his mom,and there is really no place for them to sleep etc.

I WILL NOT give up my kids ,and could easily get full custody and do what I want ...(given his history...abuse ,violence ,alcoholism etc)...BUT I dont want to take them away from him .....how would I arrange visits etc.when there are 1000 miles between them ?

although I know it would be in their best intrest to NOT be around here ,drug through all this mess for the rest of their lives ,I also realize that its not in thier best intrest to take them away completly ,and that not what I am trying to do ....I just want to be with the man I love ,and I want my kids with me ....

I am open to any and all suggestions ,if you have any .....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:40pm
People come here for an online support group, not for a holier-than-thou fest. Sure, sometimes things are so glaring that you HAVE to comment, but this guy abused her, and she sought support and comfort. He didn't give it, that was his job, he did the exact opposite of being supportive, her need for someone was a bad idea but entirely understandable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 8:25am
I think I agree. This isn't about cheating and whether it is right, wrong or justified. That ship has sailed. I agree that jumping from one relationship to another can be a minefield. This OM was there to offer a glimmer of happiness and possibly gave you the strength to get out of the relationship you are in. However, you chose your first husband and you need to do some work on yourself to understand why. What about him attracted you in the first place. There is a good chance you've entered into a same pattern with the new guy. I am NOT saying this judgementally!! I am saying from experience. The packages seems to look different but a few years down the road, they have the same insides. Maybe this new guy is the greatest thing ever but I think a little time alone in counseling will benefit everyone, especially your kids. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:32am
The Surviving Divorce message board is a support community for those members of iVillage who are going through or have gone through divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:54am
No I was not being judgmental. My response was directly related to her response back to Piano Guy. She did not like his response and became defensive. For you information, I married my OM. I know what its like to be in a bad relationship and I know sometimes we do things that are not necessarily the right things. But, I was a little put off with her retort back to someone that was only trying to help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:46am

Okay, affair aside, your question was something along the lines of can a long distance parenting arrangement work. The answer to that is yes and no. Well, at least that is how I see it. My ex moved to another state before we were divorced and we have quite a balancing act to make sure that dd gets back and forth. Right now it isn't terrible, but she starts school next year and it will make things much more difficult. My ex is only 400 miles away and we can easily meet in the middle to pick up and drop off. She also stays from Friday to Monday every three weeks so when school starts she would either miss two days of school or we will have to make a new plan.

Long distance is not an easy arrangement. We struggle to figure out how she can go to birthday parties and not miss her dads weekend, and I struggle with being "on the job" 90%of the time without a break. It can be done, but it won't be nealry as good for the kids as being close to their dad. Summer is easier and she will spend quite a bit of time with him every summer, but that doesn't make up for all the events and special occasions he misses during the rest of the year.

I want to briefly mention that another poster had a good point about not jumping too quickly into the next relationship. Moving on does not mean moving on to another realtionship. For me, keeping the focus on myself and my daughter has really helped me to be ready for dating in the future. Not everyone is like me, but my ex jumps from relationship to relationship and thinks moving on means finding a new girl and usually that means leaving her after a while. Just a thought, not a judgement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:26pm

My ex moved in October about the same distance. He requested the following visitation:

1. One weekend a month to fly into SC to visit. He has to give me 3 weeks notice as to what weekend.
2. 6 weeks in the summer
3. one week at Christmas with him having Christmas day every other year.

The reality:He has been gone 4 months. He asked for this visitation in Nov and was told no problem. He forfieted Christmas and has only been back once (to move his belongings to new state) and spent the weekend. He will not be back until our next court date to make settlement agreement final. The court date is no where in sight because I don't plan on rushing to settlement since I got what I wanted in the temporary order.

In addition, he has already told me that he will not get him for 6 weeks in the summer. Just a 1 week vacation. He moved so he has to pay the transportation costs involved. He doesn't seem to like that so it has limited his visitation.

If you move you will probably have to pay transportation costs associated with their travel. In addition you may live in a state where he could block you taking the children out of state. You would have to show a reason for why you had to leave. For example, if you are going to school to be a nurse, when you finish you can easily get a job anywhere. The "job is out of state" arguement would not be valid.

As for custody, in SC you have to be a horrible mother to lose custody. When I say horrible I mean a drug dealing prostitute who takes her kids with her to see her johns type of mother. Your stbx doesn't have a place for them to live or even sleep. I fail to see how he would get custody. Your affair has nothing to do with your custody. It's a seperate issue. If he can prove it you may have to pay court costs and all attorney fees associated with the divorce and get an unequal distribution of assets that leans more favorable for him.

As for the OM and leaving one relationship to another, I had the verbal abuser for a husband. I emotionally left that marriage in 2002. I physically left it in 2004. I had been to counseling and you know what, prince charming was found in a friend I had always admired. He is nothing like my ex. NOTHING like him. So take what has been said with a grain of salt. For each person who could never be in a relationship there is one that found "the one".

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