facing the facts

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
facing the facts
9
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:53pm

This is my first post here so please bear with me. My marriage is over, but we haven’t told the kids yet (10 and 12). We’re planning to get them through the school year and pay off some bills before we break the news and really start the process. There’s a ton of background info, but I don’t have time to write a book right now. Our relationship has not been good for a very long time. We basically stayed together out of fear. Afraid to be alone, afraid to break up the family, afraid to screw up the kids.

I’m living with this sense of dread because my kids are going through life as if everything’s fine, but their world is about to be shaken. They have a really great life right now. Thankfully, our marital problems haven’t affected them too much. We live in a great neighborhood, they have lots of friends and we’re both there for them on a daily basis. We still go out to dinner, watch movies, do things as a family, and I feel like a fraud.

I know I need support with this, and this is just my first step. The wife has lots of friends for support, but I’m pretty much alone with this. I haven’t told anyone at work or any of my family. I guess I’m just starting to face the reality of it all.

I’m sure there will be lots more gory details to follow, and hopefully I can provide some of the a$$hole ex-husband perspective.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:15pm

Sorry that you have to be here. Divorce just stinks ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. It's all so unfair to them. Have you and your wife begun to discuss living arrangements, visitation and such? Do you think you will be able to work together as co parents? I hope so. Well, we are here when you are ready to share more. Welcome!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:58pm

mrstartingover...

Pianoguy can truly relate to your situation. He was placed in a similar situation with his 1st EX and 2 sons several years ago.

While it's very brave of you to try to see this issue through ALL BY YOURSELF...you really need to formulate a support system for yourself? This could be through friends, family, a close co-worker or two, or possibly a minister or a rabbi (if you're religious)?

The point is...the kids will eventually get the word about the upcoming split from you, their mom or the 2 of you? While the unhappy news might be a little staggering to them at first, I think you'll be surprised at how quickly they'll adjust to the situation? No doubt they're already aware of some disharmony between your wife and yourself....correct?

What YOU and YOUR SOON TO BE EX have to do is TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER! Try to avoid any nastiness that you might have and focus on what's healthy for yourselves...as well as your kids! While outsiders might look upon your divorce as a failure---the most important reasons for one are to eliminate stress, anger and sadness!

Nobody wants any of these...and that's why the process is necessary!

By the way...you'll get a lot of support from this board! So whenever you need a few answers....come here and ask your questions!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:27pm

Welcome to the board! We're always happy to have a male perspective around here.


Yes, your children will be shocked. My ex and I fought like beasts (when he was actually home) and my DS was still very shocked when we told him we were divorcing. But I assure you, with support from you and your STBX, their teachers and/or a counselor, they will be OK. I know at first (as a parent), I thought of all the worst case scenarios in my head. Like I always say, the end result is usually somewhere in between the worse-case and best-case scenarios.


But you also need support! I have been in counseling from before my separation until now. It has been a Godsend for me. I would highly recommed it.




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:52pm

Oh I can certainly relate to that feeling of fraud and thinking about my poor 7 yo and how hearing the news would shake her world. And it did for a while. One of the first things she said when she calmed down was "I thought when people got divorced, it was because the fought all the time but you and daddy don't fight." She was right, we used to fight, just not in front of her. During the year and a half before our separation our marriage was a nothing more than a cordial tolerance for each other.

You'll get lots of good advice here, I wish you luck with your plans. I hope you stick around.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 3:00pm
Wow! I’m overwhelmed by everyone’s words of support. I plan on getting some counseling asap. God knows I need it! I’m probably underestimating my kids. I’m sure they’ll be able to cope as long as we (STBX and I) don’t get nasty. Thanks everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:33pm

You're right!.... You and your STBX will play an important role in how your kids pull through this.


Just remember, even the best situations (if you can call it that) are bound to have some speed bumps.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:47pm
I'm wondering how in the world you & stbx are able to continue living together at this point. I have to assume that the decision to divorce was mutual. How did you & stbx arrive at that point (how did the decision come about, not why)...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:24pm

I'm seeing your post here... and other other one that you started :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 6:02pm
We're not at each other's throats, and we still actually care about each other. Of course, there are times when we hate each other and don't treat each other the way spouses should. Like Karen, we have lots of details to take care of before it's feasible to make the physical split (pay off bills, sell the house, she needs a job, etc.) and we would like to get through these things without ACTUALLY hating each other. We were even having sex until recently, but that boat has officially sailed. The realization, on my part, that the marraige is over has come just recently. She has been on the fence for a while now, but my most recent outburst pushed her right over the edge. I'm looking for a therapist to help get some perspective.