Facing reality - having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Facing reality - having a hard time
5
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:51pm
Here I am - just getting to this board is a stepping stone I suppose. I am separated after 9 years of marriage (16 years together) and 3 children - ages 4 and twin 9 month olds. I just found out that the reason for our financial hardship over the last couple years was because my husband has a drug problem - cocaine. He has been battling alcholism for years - did the AA thing. I have been living with his verbal abuse and mind games for ssssooooooo long. I think the final straw for me was seeing my daughter in this whole mess. Almost as if he could walk all over me, but not in front of my daughter. I saw it in a new light when she actually spoke up to my husband and told him to stop yelling at mommy.
He got really out of hand at one point to where I needed a restraining order had to go to court, etc..... I never thought this would be my life, and am having a really hard time accepting it all. I live in my DREAM house (which is close to foreclosure) bills up the yin yang, and now I have to sell my house and find a place for us to go. Starting over at 38 years old. I don't know how I will do it, but I know in my heart I have to.
I found this out January 4th. He PROMISED to get help, yada yada yada....... he went to a rehab yesterday, (outpatient) left early and drank. Not looking too good. I keep saying I just wanted him to get help, but in my heart the damage is done and I don't know if he could ever undo it.
How do you get started? What is the first step? Is there anything I should know? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am ssooooo scared. I do have supportive friends and some of my family is close by. No one really has room for us or is in a financial position to help out.
I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. I initially saw one a few months back, but I guess I am getting a second opinion. I almost wish I could sue him for what he has done. What right did he have to take everything away from us???? Now I have to SPLIT everything? He surely didn't split anything. He doesn't deserve anything. How unfair is that?
Please help!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:24am
Get a lawyer. Your marriage is destroying your children. It's time. Make copies of all the financial records you can get your hands on. I wish you weren't here, but this is a great place to be for support. Good Luck! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:31pm

Oh... I'm with ya.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:01am
Thanks for the encouragement. I have some good days and some bad. One day at a time I suppose.
Thanks so much,
Erica
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:06am

erica - i walked out on an abusive husband (my second marriage) - i walked away from a marriage with NOTHING. barely took the clothing on my back. my exH is abusive and controlling and cheap and a whole lot of other things. he was abusive to my son - unfortuanately i didn't know this until it was almost too late.

its not easy, its not an easy decision to make, there are pros and cons to wahtever you do. BUT - i agree that when it affects your children then you have to protect your children.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:27am
I know it's not fair, but in the end, you're going to be the one who "wins." You'll be getting out of a terribly unhealthy, and possibly dangerous marriage. I know it's hard starting over, but the reasons for your choice are sound. Remember that!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson