Families stay together....right??
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| Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:42pm |
Okay...so to start off, I must apologize again for putting all of my stress and crap on everyone else. I just don't know where else to turn!
I wasn't lying in my other posts about my ex husband. He could be a hard, mean person, but not everyday was like that. I can remember the good times we had together and smile. My ex and I do two things very well...we love hard and we fight hard!
So, like I said in my previous post, I told him my feelings. We'll, when I dropped our dd off today with him, I asked him what we were doing. He said that he just couldn't come out and ask me on a date considering everything, and he just wanted to take it slow and start being friends again first. So I told him that I can't live my life like he's coming back into it...I can't stay or be in some type of emotional limbo waiting on him if he's never coming back. He continued to say that it was just going to take some time.
I don't even know what I want. I know and understand that our marriage was rough and at times very abusive. I don't know if I even want him back, or if it's just b/c I believe that families are supposed to stay together. On one hand, I think...what kind of example am I setting for my dd by divorcing her father. On the other hand, I think...what kind of example am I going to be to her showing her that you're supposed to be a doormat in a relationship and take everything on by yourself, in addition to all the emotional turmoil he was putting me in.
I don't know....am I just lonely and in need of someone familiar, or am I truly still in love with this man? How can I be after everything he did to me? I guess only I can answer that, right? It's just when I see him, and we're actually talking nicely to one another, I find myself lingering, not wanting to leave. I just want so badly for this whole thing to have worked out!
Maybe this is normal, and harder b/c I have to see him on a regular basis b/c of our dd. Maybe if I didn't have to see him none of this would even be taking place....
He told me that I could call him anytime and to stop by Sunday evening. He said that we would talk and go over some papers, etc. Oh well....I guess I am setting myself for heartache, but I just don't know how to stop. I keep thinking that if only he were back everything would be better, that I would be happy again. I know that I'm probably just dreaming. Maybe everything would be better, for a while anyway, but then would it go back to the way it was?
I just feel like my dd deserves to have two parents in her home...two loving parents that love each other. When I look at my ex I somehow see things working out...but I feel ashamed in some ways....what if he did want to come back....how would I be able to look at everyone that knew us and what went on?
I'm sorry, I'm rambling...but I'm so full of these crazy emotions....
Kait

Being a child of divorce and being taught how to be a doormat - there is no comparison in my book. Abusive relationships tend to stay abusive. Your dd can have two parents who love her, they don't have to live in the same home.
Are you seeing a therapist? I think you could really benefit from that (I have benefited in so many ways from that). I really think what is driving this is your fear of being alone. That is never a good reason to stay in any relationship.
What would you tell your dd, if she was thinking of going back to an abusive man and taking your granddaughter with her? Would you want that for her? Or would you want her to find someone who could truly love her, not be mean, not cheat on her? What do you think is right for her? What standards should she have? How are you going to teach her to be strong and value herself if you go back to him?
Hey Kait.... not stop all of yer apologizing for rambling.... this is just what we're here for.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~