Family in church vs. world (long vent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Family in church vs. world (long vent)
4
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 7:02pm

Oh wow ... a vent ... reflecting on *my* situation only ...

Such a mix of messages.

We went to a "Feast of the Holy Family" event at church last night -- family ministry. All the themes were about the strength of families, the importance of forgiveness and love and shared responsibility and self-sacrifice in families, the role of parents and children, husbands and wives ...

And there my h and I sat with our kids -- the lie.

Our kids learn that family should be a certain way and their parents can't live it ... of course, the kids don't know about the divorce yet, but when they do and when they are older they will see that their family isn't the family their faith calls on us to have, that their parents failed to live up to the commitments they made at their wedding, they will see all the other families out there at least trying really hard to live it out ... but not mom and dad ...

And then today ...

My h and I attended the class on "Legal Aspects of Divorce." A room overflowing with hurting women. On the way home we tentatively talked about our practical issues regarding property settlement ...

I just can't believe this (still) ...

He also kindly offered to tell me more about why he is leaving, although he said he has no obligation to tell me ... I said I felt he had been keeping secrets and I didn't trust him so if he were prepared to be honest then that was cool because I needed to know what is really going on. But, apparently what he meant was he was kindly offering to tell me all the reasons he can't live with me ...

Oh thanks! Those conversations would have been better had in marriage counseling over the years where we could have *worked* on stuff. Now it just seems pointless. And I think there are still secrets.

Ok, hope you don't mind -- I just needed to let it out. When we got home from the class I left the house and did some errands -- I just couldn't be around him or the house. Did manage to come home and make dinner for my children and him ...

Thanks for "listening."

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:12pm
Vent away! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 10:43pm

((((((((M)))))))))) I am so sorry. I really just don't understand him at all. This must be so hard on you.

I think it would be so much easier if you weren't in the same home. I know you are waiting to tell the kids and believe me - I know what a weight that burden is on your shoulders right now. At some point your own healing will need to take precidence as well though.

Are you going to counselling? I really hope so. I have found it has brought so much clarity to me. H has found that too (although I am not sure he realizes it). As much as he has resisted it - whenever he gets really stuck - he goes to his counsellor and he is able to move past an issue. We both go to our own counsellors - we have only gone to marriage counselling once - it went well and then a few days later he decided to leave - I don't think there was a connection but who knows....

I have no idea what the future holds but just know that God has a plan for you. When all else fails you will still have your faith.

I ma here anytime you need to chat M - I am always here trying to find "the" answer as well.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:06am

Thanks, Rose. How is it going for you? Have you told your children? Or is the separation on hold? I know things were up in the air. Hugs to you too!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:29am
I think the statistics for Children of Divorce is VERY HIGH and common. yes ideals are nice but they really arent as realistic in daily life as they say. Look at the woman trying to steal my husband. She is highly highly active in her church, has a husband , and told my husband on the phone whe would have sex anytime he wanted it and asked him ifhe could get it up?
Well maybe my last statement was uncalled for but the people conducting those classes may have secrets too. So dont be so hard on yourself. What is happening to your children is happening to many kids.
During our marriage (s) my kids said things like Mom......most of the kids at school have step parents etc. and that was many years ago and the divorce rate is higher now.
so be assured many of their peers will be in the same boat.
I cant really tell you just how it will be for your kids. we would get a divorce and then live together so unless he was boomed out on a job there dad was always around.
But keep in mind, as adults my children had an hour long conversation about how i was always his (mental) punching bag when things didnt go his way or he was happy it was all my fault. so they do see everything that is going on and you dont want your kids to hear your H tell you all the time what is wrong with and why you are hard to live with. that is just his excuse to make himself look better.