Family Events - con't

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Family Events - con't
10
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:02pm

I suppose I wasn't clear in my first posting. When I said their father limited his parenting contribution to holidays, birthdays, etc I meant to say that these 'special days' were his exclusively. He felt that since I got the girls all year long, he should be able to have them on the holidays. As I said in my original posting, I at first felt cheated but learned to stop placing any emphasis on them. I haven't celebrated a holiday, (including my birthday or mother's day), in about a decade. The need is just no longer there.

To answer some of the questions in the postings: My marriage ended 18 years ago. The six years before that couldn't really be called a marriage but yes, we lived together for most of the six years.

I am well over the break up. I do not 'long' to have him back in my life, (I would dread that). I'm not ashamed of myself and have no trouble holding my head up high. I have an advanced degree, earn a good living, raised two independent and compassionate daughters, traveled to 13 countries and 30 states, and am now in the process of starting my own business. I have even fallen in love with a man I've known for three years now.

But the rule still stands: I am not to attend the big events in my daughters' lives such as graduations and weddings. My daughters and I can still celebrate every milestone in our lives, privately. It's just the 'day of' that I cannot participate in. The question is: How do I get my daughter to acquiensce to this inevitability?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:12pm

So it's your ex that says you can't attend the wedding and the graduation? Do your daughters know you and your ex have agreed to this? And shouldn't it be their choice who attends their weddings and their graduations?

Since it can be confusing to have two different threads, if anyone misses it here is the first thread: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=15137.1&ctx=0

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:31pm
It isn't that he will beat me up if I show up. But seeing him, just being in the same area as him, will revitalize all the demons of the past. He will not leave me alone. Don't even suggest that we try to stay apart. He will not pass up the chance to remind me of past abuse. He will force me to say that he was never that bad or that the divorce was mostly my fault. He will be relentless. I am not a weak, frightened female. But I do not have the strength to do battle with him or the demons inside of me anymore. I have found that I am a better person, (that I like myself better), when I can live without the humiliation of trying to pacify him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:38pm

I think you need to sit your daughters down and have a serious talk with them about this. Do they know what they can expect him to do to you if you attend those events? Do they understand you will be subjected to verbal abuse if you are in his presence? If they knew that, would they rather have you come and not have him come instead? I don't think you should make this decision without them and then try and get them to understand, I think it's a decision they should be a part of. These are their accomplishments they are celebrating.

If you absolutely physially cannot attend, could you plan to sneak in and sit in the back, or at the graduation sit far away where you will not be noticed? That way your daughters will know you did see them graduate and get married, even if you did not fully participate? Is some kind of compromise like that an option?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 6:43pm

How do I get my daughter to acquiesce to this inevitability?

I gotta tell ya, I am 24, probably around your daughters age, and I would NEVER forgive my mother if she was as selfish as you when it came down to my wedding or graduation. Both very large life altering events.

I am having a hard time imagining what things this man could have possibly done to you to make you put yourself in front of your children the way you are. The only things that come to mind are so horrific that he should be imprisoned for yrs and/or your daughters wouldnt want him there to begin with.

You spoke of the "rule that still stands" ....is this your rule? His rule? The courts rule? Because it sounds to me like your daughters are old enough to make their own decisions.

Perhaps you have explained this to your new love, would he attend the events with you? Maybe your ex wouldn't bother you if you were in the presence of another man?

I don't mean to attack, and perhaps he has done the horrific things that come to mind. I myself have dealt with a ton of abuse, verbally and physically, and nearly fatal at times, but I would never allow such a monster to take away something so precious.

Now back to your original queation....

How do I get my daughter to acquiesce to this inevitability?

I'm very sorry, I don't think there is away to ask your daughters to understand this.

I do however, wish you the best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:36pm

You don't understand "how I could be so selfish?" You have it so wrong it is offensive. This is not selfish. This is about complete sacrifice! Maybe you can't imagine what he would do but let me explain to you that every one of these precious events would be ruined if I showed up. He doesn't care if he ruins his daughters' wedding or graduation. He is going to have it HIS WAY and whatever type of scene that might take, he is willing to go that length.

I am the one that made every sacrifice for these girls. I worked myself to exhaustion to make sure they could live in a safe town with a good school district. I stayed up with them every night they were sick. I am the one that helped with their homework every night, made sure they got to all their soccer games, kept orthodonist appointments and every vacation was planned around what they would enjoy. I was the one that had to go out and find them when they broke curfew, taught them to be independent thinkers and not succumb to peer pressure. I had to focus all of my thoughts and energy on these girls day after day for decades. My own romantic life was put on hold until they were old enough, and comfortably enough to see me dating. I'm still focused on them by helping them both get through college, financially and emotionally.

Every family therapist will tell you that when one parent becomes abusive or makes a scene in public, it is up to the other one, obviously the LESS SELFISH one to not engage in the argument. I have had to be the one to pacify him as long as I've known him.

I made a huge mistake when I first met him. Yes it is all my fault for ever having gotten involved with him in the first place. But I have been punished enough for making that one mistake when I was still just a kid myself. If my daughters 'never forgive me' for my selfishness, then I agree I failed as a mother. Not because I didn't show up for an event, but because they could be so selfish as to throw away our lives together for any reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:04pm

I apologize that I don't understand, and I realize that you are trying to make all of us understand, but I don't think I ever will.

I have a 7 yr old. I do EVERYTHING for her too. I am responsible for her successes as well, you are not the only one to survive single parenting and make sacrifices to do it.

Again, I wish you the best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:28pm
I apologize too if I was too snappy in my last post. You sound like you are doing wonderful with your 7 year old. I wish you all the best for your future. Stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:44pm

Wow Michelle.... it really sounds like your EX is a huge obstacle....


Your kids are grown and mature.... and I'm sure, would not want to put you through the anguish of being subjected to his lewd behavior, if they knew exactly how it really was.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:42am
michele-
I had the impression from your previous posts that you didn't want to attend these events because it would be too hard on you to see your ex, and based my responses on that. Have you sat down with your daughters and explained that you believe your ex will cause a scene if you attend? If they aren't old enough to remember, describe for them what such a scene might be like. Tell them you want them to have good memories of these days, and that is your reasoning behind not attending. Then see what their response is. Maybe they will be able to explain to your ex that they want you there and be able to get him to agree to leave you alone during the events (if they tell him you have agreed to leave him alone, so if there's a scene they'll know it's him). Maybe he will give an unreasonable response, and they will see that you are right about how he will act. Then they will have a choice to either respect your decision, perhaps have you attend in a location where he wouldn't be able to see you (such as the back of the room), or uninvite their father. Or perhaps hire a security guard to kick him out if he causes a scene. If your daughters still want you to attend these events, then I would go. You can't control what he does, and if he causes a scene it will be his fault.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:32pm

Michelle,

I'm really not sure where to start. Have you talked to your ex at all recently? Do you know 100% that he would still act this way or maybe he has "grown up" and is willing to do things in a manner that is of the adult maturity?

I know it's all hind sight ,but how did you ever come up with the agreement for visitation? If you have made all of these sacrifices for you beautiful girls ,then who is he to say you can't participate? Maybe after all these years others are waiting for you to put your foot down and tell him screw you! These are your girls too and there is no way in H*LL he can take that from you.

I think to fight for them in that manner would mean so much more than college tuition. To know that their mother would never stand for someone else controlling her life and theirs.
Have you ever talked with them about why you divorced? Have you kept them in the dark to try and protect them from you past situation? It could be to their advantage if you enlighten them. They also need to learn from the mistake you made.

If nobody ever learned from their mistakes then we would all still be in the same situations we had. If you learned a valuable lesson from your mistake,you need to share it with those you love so they don't make the same ones. There are many ways to protect your children including letting them in on the bad stuff.

I have 2 girls of my own. They are 10 and soon to be 9. My oldest keeps asking me "What did dad do to make you leave?" I can't tell her that her dad would take advantage of me sexually when I was on medication. (I had to take muscle relaxers for anxiety breathing problems. He would have his way with me and I was unaware.) I told her when she was old enough to understand I would let her know.

It's hard to protect them from everything but sometime what we try to protect them from is what they really need to experience for themselves. Hope I did not offend you in any way,I really do sympothize with you. I hope everything works out for the best.

K :)