family functions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
family functions?
12
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 2:27pm

My husband and I are divorcing. There is a big family party for my father next weekend, and my STBX wants to go. My question is, do I let him? He says he should be there out of respect for my father. (I say, if you respect my father so much, you shouldn't have been such a bastard to his daughter.............me.) Our kids are still young and would love for him to be there. Our 2 families knew eachother way before we got married, so there is a history besides our marriage. And he and my family get along really well. Should I just suck it up and invite him to come to the party?

Just to let you know where I am at- I did not want a divorce but he just can't seem to handle marries life and kids. I go from missing him to wanting to wishing him ill (sounds teribble, but I think just about anyone going through a divorce feels that way sometimes...!!!!!!!!!!!!). This is all just so hard.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 2:41pm

My feeling is - if you don't want him there, then he doesn't go. One of the parts of divorce (whether we wanted to get one or not) is the separation of family stuff. Events for your children are the exception, in most cases. But events for your family or his the other one will mostly likely not attend. If he wants to show respect for your father he should honor the man's daughter's wishes (yours) and he can send a note instead of attending the event.

Other's on the board might not agree. This is merely my opinion.

On another note, I think the way you feel about him is totally normal. You are going through an extremely difficult and emotional time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 2:42pm

ivil_amie...

PG has a question.

Is your family aware of your husband's desire to divorce you? Maybe the choice of him attending should be theirs?

I guess if the 2 of you can be civil toward one another...for at least an afternoon or evening...there's no reason why he shouldn't attend?

But considering how he TRULY FEELS about marriage...it's somewhat hypocritcal for him to be in your family's presence, don't you think?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:40pm

My stbx showed up at my dad's funeral and it was humiliating. My dad's funeral got turned into a discussion of our divorce. Personally, I wouldn't want that to happen at your father's party. His presence there is bound to bring up discussion of the divorce as my stbx's presence at my dad's funeral did.

I say no. You deserve to enjoy the party.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:42pm
I completely agree that you should ask your family. I would still vote against it. You don't say how old your kids are, but would it send a mixed message to them? If you had been divorced for a while it might be differant. Divorce affects the whole family. There will be times when you will have to be at the same event as your ex. Will you be happier with him being there or not there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:58pm

Not only hypocritical but certain to turn the conversation to the divorce instead of the event at hand as happened when my stbx attended my dad's funeral. I must have gone ghostly pale when the first relative walked up and said "sorry to hear about your marital problems". Until he came, no one knew besides my immediate family and they weren't telling anyone. Just stbx.

I have to say no. The event will become about the divorce instead of what the event is supposed to be. He should skip it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 2:22pm
I would say, heck no, he can't go. Let your dad have his day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:26pm

ivil

i say he's OUT. you are divorcing, unless it is a family function that involves your children. i believe it is inappropriate for him to attend, as it would be inappropriate for you to attend his events.

i ran into my bil this past weekend while visiting my family (they all live 3.5 hours from me) anyway, bil told me his son was getting married in Aug and they would love for us to attend. (the kids and I) well stbx can take kids and go. my fil has had some very unflattering things to say about me, so i won't go. besides, its stbx's family not mine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 7:39pm

Aren't families-in-law great? My soon-to-be-not-father-in-law is retiring this summer. My MIL told my STBX to invite me if he wanted, but didn't really care if I came. Last I checked, he was the one who went to work one day and never came home, not me.

Long story made short, she wants to see the kdis but knows the my STBX firmly believes that if the kids go anywhere, I should be there as well. (He has a hard time with the kids on his own.....part of why we broke up....he is ging untreated for some emotional problems.....I actually feel bad for him...) Kind of ticks her off that he won't bring the kids, but she better "play nice" with me if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren.

Did I mention this conversation btw MIL and STBX happened less than a week after I called to invite her to several of trhe kids end of the year shows? Isn't that great?

Avatar for cmckinn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:47am

Ivil_amie,

I agree with much of the advice you've already been given. I was in a similar situation not long ago, but on the opposite side. I love my STBX's family very much and wanted to attend their family functions. When we were still together there were many times he didn't show up to his own family functions, but I did, so it seemed I was part of his family much more than him. Anyway he didn't want me attending his family's summer bbq last year or Christmas party last year and I shed many a tear over not seeing his family any more. However I asked other divorced people I know and also asked here on this forum and the overwhelming majority of people said "it is his family, not yours". They also recommended trying to forge my own relationship with those I wanted to continue a relationship with. It hurts, but I felt there must be something to it if so many people said that's what I should do. If you don't want your STBX there, just say so and he may not be happy about it, but he should be adult enough to respect your wishes. I hope everything works out for you.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 11:05am

i agree with your mil needing to play nice.

if my fil calls me a wh*re one more time, he'll NEVER see his grandchildren again.

its sad when the kids end up suffering.

what

what

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