FAT CHANCE

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
FAT CHANCE
8
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:40am

I find this message board really useful and felt it was my turn to get this off my chest...

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years. We were always a very close couple, always holding hands, cuddling, saying "I love you", hardly ever argued. We had planned out our future and were trying for a baby since Christmas which proved very difficult as he was never in the mood and always tired. Then last week we had a little argument which I thought would blow over but instead he said that he has wanted out of the marriage for some time but didn't want to hurt me. He said that he hasn't been happy for ages and has fallen out of love with me. He said he still loves me loads but he wants to be independant and concentrate on himself. He cannot be a husband and find himself at the same time (men and multi-tasking hey). He said he has grown up now and I am holding him back from getting the things he wants to do done. He wants to soul search and find new challenges.

I can understand all that but the thing that hurt the most is that he said that I had let myself go and that he felt sick after sleeping with me as I was not attractive anymore. Fair enough, when we got married I was a UK size 12 and now I am a UK size 22 but being 6ft tall, I carry my weight well. I have always tried to lose weight and always promised him I would but I have started but only lasted a few days. He is no oil painting himself which annoyed him how he can judge me before he looks in the mirror.

We have a lot of debt so cannot afford to move out so he has moved into our spare room. We are still civil to each other and he has said that he will move out in January when our debt is paid off but will live together for now. I was happy with the situation as I also want to be independent and try new things but at the back of my mind I always thought that once he had done all this and I had lost the weight, he will come back to me. Am I setting myself up for heartache??

I go through times when I feel like I can do this and then I have very low times when I get that sinking feeling in my stomach and think "I will never cope with this, how am I going to live without him" I am also so heartbroken as he agreed the time was right to start planning my long-awaited baby and then he squashes all my dreams. He says he doesn't want another woman near him until he has found himself in life but last night I found messages on his phone and he has registered with a dating agency.

I am determined to lose the weight as I will try anything to win my husband back. What if he doesn't want to come back to me. I don't think I am strong enough to deal with him being with another woman. All my family live in another country and I only see them every 2 years which is really hard. He says he won't tell his family that we have split up until he moves out in January. I am a bit confused - surely if you were serious about not wanting to be with your wife that you would tell your family. Every now and then he puts his arm around me as I think he forgets that he has broken up with me.

Do you think by the sounds of this that he has already made up his mind and will not come back to me or that he still wants to be with me but is doing something drastic to make me lose weight? Any advice would be great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: nixiestix
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:18am
Hello, I am sorry you are finding yourself in need of us, but stick around this is a great place. I am all for doing whatever you have to do to try and save your marriage if that is what you want. As far as the weightloss goes, go see your doctor and get some Phentermine. You'll need to do lifestyle changes as well. I have do two rounds of the med. I have lost over 50#. I also am limiting my calories to 1200 and try to walk 4 miles everyday. If you have any questions about my journey holler. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: nixiestix
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:16pm

Nixiestix,


Just what is it your husband wants to do he can't do within the marriage? The only answer I can think of is date, have sex with other women, and act like a single guy. His excuse that he needs to leave the marriage to do something legitmate is flimsy at best.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
In reply to: nixiestix
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 10:14pm
Sounds like my man. We are seperated, we had a baby and then all of a sudden he felt we had nothing in commen any more. Now my husband has some issues from the past that surfaced after our son was born and I beleive that is driving his behavior. But what connected me to your story was the mixed messages. I say I don't want you, but my actions say different. I have been living this for 9 months. The truth is my husband is an immature selfsih man going out living his care free life and leaving just enough mixed messages to keep me dangling. We have a little boy, what woman wouldn't dangle? For a while anyway. It sounds like your husband is very confused about what he wants. But that does not change the fact that he is not considering what you want and how you feel. Don't ignore that fact. Do you want to cope with this? No. Do you want to live without him? No. But if you don't have a choice (and right now you don't) can you do it? YES. Don't give him all the power. If you want to lose weight, do it for you. If that is what brings him back, then you will probably live in fear that you must maintain to keep him. That is no way to live. Nothing short of him saying he was a complete jerk, completely wrong and very sorry (and go to counseling)is good enough. Please don't short change yourself. I know you are broken hearted, so am I. I was with my husband for 12 years and I'm only 30. I have a 16 month old with him. But allowing him to say I am the reason he is unhappy is abuse to myself. No one is responsible for someone elses happiness. He is unhappy with his life for his reasons. They are not your fault, and not your responsibility to fix. He needs to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming you. Please stay strong, you are beautiful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
In reply to: nixiestix
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:24am
First and foremost he needs to treat you with respect. If in fact you want to lose the weight, do it for yourself. On th other hand, it seems like this man has a hidden agenda. For someone who needs to so some soul-searching and doesn't want to get involved with another woman, he has no business registering to a dating service--a bit contradicting don't you think? Second, don't ever tell yourself you are not strong enough to handle life without him. Remember that marriage is a union for which your counter part should offer you support and be you mate, but always keep in mind that you have worth, with or without him, skinny or fat!! If the relationship doesn't work out to your favor it will be difficult but not the end of the world. Good luck and put yourself first so he can then value and respect you for the strong woman you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: nixiestix
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 6:36am
I agree with the pp. If you want to lose weight for yourself, then go for it. But never change yourself for your husband. I let go of all my friends, lost weight and became the hallmark of wives and you know what? My husband still walked out on me anyway. Marriage has to be about respect, and he is not being respectful telling you to lose weight. Marriage is not about looks. You probably don't even realize it, but with everything you are going through, you are showing just how incredibly strong you are. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
In reply to: nixiestix
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:26am

Thank you so much everyone for all your advice and kind words of encouragment. It means a lot that people are going through similar things and I am not on my own in all this.

I have had a bit of time to reflect and I think this is a time for me to find myself and be the person I want to be. It's time to rediscover my determination and decide what I want out of life. There is no use crying over spilt milk as they say so its time for me to pick myself up and be the person I always wanted to be!

I will keep you updated with my achievements and tell you all about my new life. Hopefully I can encourage other in the same situation to see the positive side of life!!

Watch this space!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
In reply to: nixiestix
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:09pm
Oh my gosh, you are way to good for this guy. Is he going to fall out of love with you every time you gain weight. Girlfriend, there are plenty and I mean plenty of men out there for you! Today...you should sign up for Match.com or another service. Get back in the game yourself and don't give this idiot another thought, how dare he!! He should be lucky to have you and with the dishonest behavior he has shown, why waste your time always wondering and second guessing him and what he is doing. Another thing, you should start protecting yourself financially. If you are working I would suggest starting a small stash that only you will know about. Protect yourself!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: nixiestix
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 10:16pm

Hi Nix


Sorry your going thru this,I was married for 26years when my X decided he wanted out. Now my 2 cents on your issue. Your H is using you weight just as an excuse,if you do go and loose all of that weight,he will find something else to use as an excuse. If I had to guess just by the things you have said, he has someone else on the side. I am sorry to say that but if he is determined to leave NOTHING you do will stop him. Also the only person you should loose the weight for is yourself.


Im sorry I wish I had better news. My D was finally final in Sept of last year and my X has moved on like the past 26years of his life never happened. He met his new g/f 2months after he moved out. Me ,I sit here alone.