Father of kids don't want them
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Father of kids don't want them
| Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:47pm |
I have beem broke up with the X for 8 months noew. At first he got the kids a lot. Now he gets them maybe once a month for a few hours. He claims people are either working on his house or excuses like that. I don't believe any of them. He even called off the weekend of fathers day. So I call him all the time screaming at him telling him how pathetic he is ans so forth. He gets mad at me for calling him a bad dad. Well he is. Granted he pays child support, but thats it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to quit calling him, i just get so sngry and have to yell at him. The kids cry for him all the time. It is so sad. I never thought he would be like this.
....oh and yes he does have a girlfriend.
Advice please....

hummm.. I wish I were in your shoes.
I would have been THRILLED beyond belief if my eX didn't want to see the kids. Especially, if he continuted with child support. I mean I begged for no support in return for him not wanting to be involved with them. My 1st husband (my 3 kids father) was NOT a bad person just incredibly selfish. Mr. church-goer, never did anything bad in his life. We have been apart about 7-8 yrs and he still doesn't even date. However, I just hated having the kids away from me, not being there when they were sick or hurt, to make sure that they were cared for... I just wanted them with me. He didn't see them as often as he was entitled and everytime he called to cancel picking them up I was THRILLED. Yes, they cried for him, yes, they missed him. But weeks, months go by, years and it gets better. Now that they are older and decide for themselves they see the selfishness that i saw and barely have time for him at all. secretly, I love it and i don't feel bad for that.. he made his bed as they say and now he can lie in it.
If I were you.. I would try to look at it as a positive thing. I wouldn't call him or beg him to see the kids. I believe you will end up the winner in the long run.
Some people just don't realize that "parent" is a lifetime job from which there is no resigning (and there is more to it than money).
I am sorry you and your children are experiencing this. The only advice I have is to remember that you can't change his behavior (no matter how much you want to or how much you yell or even reasonably speak). The only thing you can control is how you react to it. Although that is easier said than done. Be there for your kids, as I am sure you already are and reassure them that you will always be there for them.
come here and vent when you need to , rather than letting loose on him (who deserves it).
I am a big fan of talking to a professional as well to help you cope with the anger and frustration and help in talking to your kids about it.
I hope that helps. You are not alone.
I know what you mean... my xh has the excuse of living out of state as the reason that he may only see Joey once or twice a year... but it still sucks for the kids.
I do think that this is one of those situations where the grass always appears greener on the other side... I would like my xh to be more involved... a family I work with is very involved with his child from his first marriage and yet his xw really hates that he is so involved with their daughter...
I would stop calling him if it is at all possible--by calling him, you're letting him see he still has control over ~you~ and he could be doing some of this to get at you, without any regard to the children involved.
Wow, that's so sad. I broke up with my ex so I was responsible for our divorce. I didn't realize how hard divorce is until I went through it myself. Maybe after some time passes and he's not so angry he will be more involved with the kids. I keep telling myself that things will get better and they have. But it's still hard.
Thanks for the advice.
I realize that by me yelling at him constantly doesn't help the situation at all. I have had our son call him when he wans to (he is 4) and it only results in his heart getting more broken. Example.... my son will call asking to come over and his dad will put off the question and end up with me on the phone. There has been times my son has left messages stating "why don't you want me daddy?" and " don't you love me?". Of course my x thinks I tell him to say these things and I do not. My son is very advanced for his age and understands many things a normal 4 year old wouldn't.
So I am gonna try my hardest to just STOP calling him. If he doesn't get them, well then I guess it is his lose. Sure I would love a weekend to myself, but my kids come first. I don't want them to be somewhere they aren't wanted.
Thanks again for the advice and I will probably vent here on iVillage or my journal!!!!
Sweetie, I understand its hard... I really REALLY do... but it is probably for the best and at first it will be hard and then it won't be so hard.