Fear, fear and more fear!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:56pm |
*sigh* How do/did you all copy with fear in this process?
I have been looking for a place to live. At this time the children and I are still living with my STBX. He knows that I'm planning on moving- meaning that I've told him my intentions. The last time we openly discussed it, he acted out rather badly as he is known to do. He spent hours talking to the walls (loudly), cursing and carrying on, banging on (what he tells me was) his chair, just general, scary, crazy behaviour. I ended up leaving that night- pulling the kids out of bed and taking them to my parents' house because I was really afraid of his irrational behaviour.
Now that we're back at home he seems to be in denial of some sort. He's acting as though nothing happened. He claims that I have no right to be afraid since he has never physically harmed me or threatened to. He even wants to come to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday. It's all very odd.
I know that when I move I'll have hell to pay. He'll lose his ever loving mind. The last time I left he accused me of "smuggling the kids out of the house" as though I had stolen them. I'm sure there will be so much more of that again. He has always maintained that he will persue custody of the kids and will not pay either child nor spousal support. I have seen a lwayer and I know what my rights are, but he has made me so afraid of litigation! Even moreso, I fear what that process may do to the kids.
SO, now I not only have the common fear that comes with life change (finances, fear of being a single parent, fear of being alone), I also have fear of his irrational behaviour to contend with. It's all so overwhelming that it almost makes me consider staying here. It's crazy, I know. I know that I shuld not give in to his control tactics, but I am seriously afraid of the consequences of my moving out.
I could really use any advice or coping strategies that you all can offer!

Oh did you marry my stbx? I had the same life and I was not brave enough to leave. My husband even pulled a gun on me two weeks before he moved out, my poor 15 yr old had to stop him.
After he left I suffered a few of his outburst including throwing my coffee table across the room. It's been almost 10 months now and I can tell you that he has found other ways to occupy his time. And other than the continued occasional need to still attempt to control me, he mostly leaves me alone.
The best advice I can give to you is get a councilor. Do not wait, do not make excuses, do it now, today. You are going to need someone to help you come out of this rut of where you are right now. You may not realize it and you may feel strong but as you begin to grow you will start to see things and deal with things you did not realize that were there. Part of the reason for that is you get to a place where you feel safe all of the things that you pushed down will come rushing out so that you can deal with them.
Good luck and hang in, don't give up a better life is waiting
You "smuggled" the kids out of the house because HIS behavior was irrational and unsafe for you and the kids to be there, and the very next time he brings it up, that's what I'd tell him.... very firmly... and add that if he EVER does anything like that again, you WILL leave, and you WILL call the police because you are NOT going to take any chances with the safety and well being of your children or yourself.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Because your situation is so common, there are emergency shelters for women. You have kids, so you have better chance getting in those places. They are discreet, and your husband will not know about it. Use public phone so that he cannot trace the calls.
I actually lived in one years ago when my husband left kids and I. The one that I went to provided me everything that I needed to survive. It was also nice to be around other single moms who were in the same situation even though there were wicked ones once in a while. I lived there for 6 month, and during that time I found my job and saved money a little. They also helped me to establish my credit and provided free legal consoltation to file for a divorce even though I was not ready to file then. In my case, it took me a month to get in after the initial contact. You may want to contact them and just ask them what they can do to help you. Good luck!
Yes, wild. You're right. Eventually at some point I will be strong enough to say "no" to the behaviour-for good. But part of the problem is that he doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour. He seems to think that he's allowed to act however he wants and in the end he holds no responsibility for it because it's all my fault. It's hard not to be afraid of someone who is so dissociative!
But it's just fear. It's an emotional reaction that I'm trying to learn how to manage. Not letting it stop me from making the move out of this house is going to be huge.
I bought a small journal today so that I can write things my husband does that upset me. I want to be able to go back and read it later...when he is being nice and begging for me and the kids to come back... I guess it is normal to try to forget the bad stuff so I am hoping the journal helps me stay strong.
It is control & emotional abuse, plain & simple. Well, maybe not SO simple.