Fear making me have second thoughts
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Fear making me have second thoughts
| Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:10pm |
STBX and I have decided that a divorce will be best for both us and our son (he's been disrespectful and unreliable for a year now, sleeping apart a lot, and recently cheated on me). Since we made the decision, we've been getting along really well (I guess because the tension of saving our marriage and improving our sex life is gone) and it's making both of us remember why we fell in love in the first place. We both still care about each other and I want to have a good relationship, so we're making a real effort not to think about the bad stuff that we've been through. Because of all this nice-ness, I'm starting to worry about the hardships ahead - being poor, not being able to work during nursing school, dating, dealing with all the parenting stuff alone, etc. Logically, I know that if we gave it another shot (again), we'd slip back into the old habits and probably end up hating each other. But emotionally, I can't help but long to forgive him. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the snuggles, the "I love you" walking out the door. We're probably going to go ahead and file for dissolution of marriage after the first of the year. We were going to do it at the end of my military enlistment (about a year), but that's going to be a complicated time anyway and I don't know how long this process will take, we decided to go ahead and do it. Thinking about it being so soon is petrifying. I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I guess these feelings are normal in this situation, but it's nerve-wracking.

I've considered it, but I don't think it would help. I've tried to save this marriage for over a year. I've suggested counseling (he refused), tried to do family things (he complained or refused to go), tried to get us to talk more and tell me what was wrong (he clammed up), tried to improve our sex life (he slept downstairs), etc. Right now, it's just hit him how badly he's screwed up by cheating on me and exactly what he's lost. So he's on his best behavior, in addition to trying to guilt me into sleeping with him or taking him back. After all of this, all the broken promises to be better, etc, I know that if we got back together, he would slip right back into taking me for granted, being immensely lazy, and completely unreliable. He's a good person and I want to have a good relationship, but I think we'll be better as friends than husband and wife.
~~Mandy
My husband and I are using an attorney to mediate a separation agreement. He has changed it from a separation agreement to a divorce back to a separation agreement twice now. But now, he is being nice and thoughtful and everything he was when I met him. It is hard to know what to feel. After all,isn't it for easier for a man to be a good and decent person for little amounts of time. He gets to go home to his own apartment and not deal with the house, the kids, the dog, the laundry, etc....He gets the best of both worlds; a wife when he wants one, and noone to answer to when he doesn't.
Really be careful. Is it cold feet becasue you are giving someone great up, or is it the fear of what could have been in an ideal situation? I don't even know for myself
"Logically, I know that if we gave it another shot (again), we'd slip back into the old habits and probably end up hating each other."
This is what you need to base your decision on...logic, not emotion. As difficult as it is, we do know in our minds and gut what's best for us in the long run. Listen to that inner voice and follow it...best of luck to you :).
Mandy, I am right there with you. I know I am making a well thought out decision after giving it every possible chance, but I am just terrified of going it alone.
"Logically, I know that if we gave it another shot (again), we'd slip back into the old habits and probably end up hating each other."
This is exactly it. I know what I have to do; it's just really hard. I am currently clinging to the thought that in a year from now, when all the big issues are settled, everything will be much better. I can make it that long.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're not alone. ((((Hugs))))
Rebecca