Feel like I'm going nuts - help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Feel like I'm going nuts - help!!
9
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:28am

Hi,

I've been aware my husband has been having at least an "emtional affair" with an ex-girlfriend for almost a year now. It took me 3 meeings with a lawyer unitl I evenutally said I wanted to file.

I handed in all the paperwork to the law office today and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel like sending this lawyer an emsil aking him not to do anything for the present time. Despite his cheating, my husband treats ne very, very well. I jusr fear the unknown so much and I feel secure in my surroundings. I also depend too much on the advice a couple of friends (one says yea, the other a no.) AARGH!! Has anyone else felt like this?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:23am
If you're unsure, I say put it on hold for now. Stop listening to your friends, though I'm sure they mean well. You need to make this decision on your own. Maybe finding an impartial party (counselor or life coach) to guide you through the decision making process would be helpful. Good luck, I know it's a hard decision to make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:42am
There is only one person you can ask this question of. It is not up to your friends or family. Do what YOUR heart tells you. You will know if your marriage is over. You will not need the advise of family or friends. You just know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:43am
if you're not sure, wait. Start couseling, talk to your minister, and look for ways to take care of yourself emotionally. Eventually, you'll know what to do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:30am

Also,

If there is a chance that it is more than an emotional affair, use protection if you are still sexually active with him......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:03pm
I am going through a divorce also, not what I want, but my husband is living with his girlfriend. We have had no communication since he left. Which he never really left, he stopped coming home at night. I asked where he was and he said at a friends. This has been going on for a year. I am so depressed I can't breathe. I have had several appointments with my attorney I go to mediation on June 5. I am dreading seeing him after all this time. Is she going to be with him? I can't sleep. Can someone help me get through this. I have no one to ask because my friends are his. We have been married 26 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 4:06pm
IF his attorney is smart, he will tell him to keep OW at home. Not to add fuel to the fire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 4:59pm

Rcons,

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. It's hard when you don't see it coming and they give no explanation. I can't sleep, can't eat - I think it's a commong reaction. Have you considered counseling if you don't have anyone to talk to about this?

Olivia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 6:01pm
Personally, I would at least seperate while you both work out your feeling for each other and he for this other woman. And from my own experience, I have come to realise that alot of times it's wise to take advice from family and friends, because love is blind. :)
It also seems men jump into relationships before they're finished with the one they're already in, and then just dump it all on you at once. So at the very least I would start preparing yourself, especially if you have children that will need to be provided for.
I really hope he gets himself together soon.
(((big hugs)))
Amanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:04pm

I know what you mean about not being sure. While my H is not cheating with another woman in any way, he wasn't treating me well at all. Very emotionally and verbally abusive. I made the decision to move out. It was the hardest thing I ever did. It's been 10 months now, I still occasionally cry over the situation, but have not filed for divorce. I have peace in my own home now, but still have a lot of contact with H. We've been married 32 years. I figure it took us 32 years to get to this point, I'm not rushing to get a divorce. I cried so much the first month my skin was sore! H knows there needs to be some changes made in his habits and attitude, and I do see very small signs of progress. I cannot in good faith divorce him at this point. I to have friends that tell me to just walk away and start over. Our only child is 30 yrs old with a family of his own, so that's not an issue. I have always worked, so can support myself. H is disabled and struggling financially, so I continue to help him some with groceries. I do refuse to give him cash because of his habits - not alcohol - but I won't let him go hungry.

I don't know if you have a faith, but I know my God will take care of me. He wants us all to live in harmony, and in HIS time He WILL intervene in some way in our marriage. I just need to believe, be thankful for what I have, and seek HIS will, not mine. It may end in divorce, it may not.

When I get depressed, I pray for understanding. Before I moved out I was having anxiety attacks. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my hands numb. NOT GOOD!! I moved out when I figured out that continuing to live with Hubby was going to kill me. I've only had 2 anxiety attacks in 10 months, both times when dreaming about hubby yelling at me. He still occassionally yells, but now I can walk away from it. It still upsets me, and he knows it. He'll call a few days later in a much better mood, but has NEVER apologized for the way he has treated me. Says he'd never hurt me and will always love me. We'll see. He knows all I want is peace in my own home. If he can get to that point, we'll talk about living together again. In the meantime, I work, talk to my dog, read a lot, sew, visit grandkids, etc. Most of the time I am alone, and most of the time I don't mind it.

My point is, you've got to do what's right for you. Not your "friends", not your "family". Hubby IS your family. If you are in physical danger, whether from fists or anxiety, get away from him. That doesn't mean you have to file for divorce. Think of yourself first, and I KNOW it's hard to do after so many years.

Hugs & Prayers 2 U