Feel what you feel
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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:18pm |
This is my first post.
It has been 7 months since he left, 5 months that I found out the truth of the OW. I have lots of friends, a supportive family, but I can't help feeling my time to be able to talk about it has past it's expiration date. I still need to talk about it, but the people around me, well, their patience is wearing thin. I read an article in the divorce section of this site by a psychologist that said she wished she could tell the world to never say to another person "Don't feel bad." I know everyone means well, but sometimes we have to feel what we feel. As if pain and sadness are unacceptable and only happy thoughts are welcome. I had a really good talk with a friend last night who said that this isn't a waste of time. The bad times, the sad times are valid parts of life. We are all feeling profound loss and pain and we need time to heal. I felt allowed to feel human, which was a small relief.
I just wanted to know there are others where I am. I am over the shock that I felt at first. I was incapable of getting through the day back then. I dropped to an unhealthy weight, I couldn't sleep. In my daily life I'm getting through, I'm moving anyway, but the emptiness and loneliness feel vast. I don't have much direction, and for someone that always had a plan, that's really hard. I feel like I'm waiting for the answers to come. I feel like an island even though I have so many people that love me. How do we find our purpose again?

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It's been almost a year since I found out about the affair, 9 months since I filed for a divorce and moved on with my life. I can at least tell you that this is new territory for me as well and I cannot even imagine it being any different. My ex wife did lose custody of my son and being around him everyday does make me happier but I'm still stuck. I still want to know details about what happened and I'm still very angry. I know I should be happy because I received everything I wanted but I'm still caught in some kind of weird fog. I usually keep an idea on hand and keep my expectations high as for where my life is heading, but it’s been very hard to focus. Before all this happened I had small business plans and trips set on my schedule but my enthusiasm for life seems to have faded a little. I have family in my life that suggested a little counseling, but I think that I may need a little bit more than a year to let go completely. I, like you, have started to talk about the past a little too much to my supporting cast and I no longer feel its right to burden them with my pain. I do meet members of the opposite sex that interest me but I’m terrified of being hurt, thus it's been a year alone.
I will say that if my year is any indication of the normal amount of time it takes to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel then you are right on track.
Thanks again for all the responses. They help tremendously! I'm glad I found this board.
My story, like everyone's, is a painful one. I was with my husband five years before we were married, and then we were only married 15 months. If I am honest with myself, I know there were times I wasn't sure we were right. But I loved him so much that I put my faith in that. I still can't believe how rapidly it turned. Almost as soon as we were married things began to change. He was angry at me and very critical. In the end he said he tried to change himself. Maybe that's true, I don't know. Still, he shouldn't have cheated on me. He met a woman at a new job and 2 weeks later told me things weren't working. The details that follow are far too many to go into. He never intended to tell me the truth. He bullied me into a legal separation. I thought he was just going through some sort of crisis because some of his communications wanted to know how I was and that I should know he cared, and others were that he absolutely needed the separation agreement. I wanted to him to come back and thought this would blow over, so I gave it to him. A month or so later, I realized I had his email and logged in. There was never such a frightening moment in my life as when that page loaded and I knew he hadn't changed his password. There it was. Her name, email after email. Photos of them having sex. He had taken her to Paris (the hotel bill showed up at our apartment after he'd gone-that's what tipped me off). We got engaged in Paris 3 years ago. I have used this evidence to file for divorce. He's paying for the whole thing and I'll get a small annual sum to help with the dogs we had together. There was no chance of alimony. It's a small bit of satisfaction. If I could make it all go away, make it a bad dream instead, I would.
I have found profound love in my life, and now I am experiencing profound loss and pain. It's still hard to process this is reality for me. Like Kenn808 said, I have lost a lot of my interests and hope for my life. I'm doing my best to see the small triumphs. I'm actually able to spend time alone in my new apartment. I was incapable of being alone before. When a painful reminder comes I let the moment pass and I recognize and congratulate myself when I can actually say "I don't feel like crying." Still, though, I let myself when I need to. I try to be open to whatever happens. I want to get through this, but how do you stop wishing it all never happened?
I have only been on a couple of dates. Just a couple of people I've met out or something--no online stuff as of yet. Most of the time I end up crying in a cab on my home because I miss my ex so much and I hate that I am "out there" again. All I can think is that I never wanted this. It's such a lonely time for me, but I know I can't go seeking anyone out right now. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. I'm not ready. How do you get over someone you still love? Someone you vowed to love forever? How do you deal with the extraordinary hurt and betrayal?
We don't talk at all. I can't, I'm sure he can't. He's still with her. All I can think of is that his voice is saying words to her that I want to hear. Those lips are kissing her. I can't ever see him or hear from him again. Thankfully, NYC is a big place. It's not likely. Although, I think I saw HER on the bus. It was awful. She didn't see me.
Thanks again to everyone
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