Feeling bad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Feeling bad...
4
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 9:32am
Today, my STBX came to get the kids, he was early and when he arrived he found that I had thrown all his stuff outside(advised by my lawyer). He keeps bringing the kids around his girlfriend, he left me for her and was having an affair with her for a year. I have asked him not to do this, when the kids are with him he should be spending time with them and she shouldnt be involved. And he should want the same for me, for me not to bring them around other men(i would never do that right now).
The kids are only 4 years and the other ia 11 months. So, today when he got here I went off on him really bad. I was calling him names and telling him he disgusted me, a lot of other things,too. Im just really mad that he keeps bringing them around her, I feel it is none of her business and she needs to butt out, our divorce was just filed. He lies to me constantly and never gives me a time when he will bring the kids home at night. Im and sick and tired of him holding money over my head,too. We just got the court order about the financial part and he has to give me spousal support, but he says I have to pay other things out of that, that I dont. I feel really bad I went off on him like that, but Im still hurt. Its really hard for me to come to terms with what he has done, although I know I would never take him back, I need more than him. Does anyone have any advice??

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kate923
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:14pm

It is tough, especially when you're dealing with some of the things that you are. I would try not to show a reaction around him though, as by doing so, you are just giving him more power in the situation as a whole. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions to them. So, when you're around him, make it like it doesn't matter--when he leaves, call a friend, family or come here and vent... but he won't see that, so you'll appear stronger... if you haven't gotten any counseling yet, I would encourage you to do so, as it can help on a number of different levels.

Vent here as much as you need to...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kate923
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 2:14pm

Hi Kate... my advice... come here and vent... and only wear a pleasant smile when you're around him.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: kate923
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:43pm
I am issuing you my famous "free pass," LOL! During the divorce process, I think we all have the right to act like a loon once. Nothing dangerous, violent, super destructive to property, or damaging to the kids, etc. But a round of a little yelling a calling names? We'll let you off the hook once ;) But from here on out, just give him the silent treatment. The only time you speak to him is when you have to...about the children or the divorce. If the conversation veers off topic, you hang up/leave the situation. You'll only do yourself harm if you carry on, and none of us wants to see that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: kate923
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:28pm

My attorney told me that there isn't much you can do about who your ex has your children around. As infuriating as it may be, you have to find a way to cope with it. Coming here to vent is a great way to get out the feelings you have when he's taking the kids and you know they'll see her.

At the beginning of this year I was furious with my STBX for taking my kids around a new woman so soon after he moved out. I yelled...I screamed..I called him all sorts of names...I told him what a sorry loser he was for not being able to take his kids' feelings into consideration. Basically I went completely nuts and it made no difference. Only helped the two of them establish that I am a crazy woman and helped drive them closer together.

The only way I have been able to find ANY sort of peace with it is to simply take a deep breath, accept that I have no control, and try my hardest to start letting go. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. The maternal side of me can't stand having another woman around my kids. I can't stand when she seems to behave as a third parent.

I can imagine for you it's harder since this is the woman who helped break up your marriage. The advice of keeping contact minimal is great and will help a lot in keeping your sanity. Hang in there. We're here for you to vent whenever you need to!