Feeling crushed under it all
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| Sat, 01-20-2007 - 4:50pm |
Thank goodness you all are here for instant gratification venting ...
Last night I started the first class I have to take to get certified/endorsed to go back to work in the schools some time after my stbx and I separate/divorce. Today I was in class ALL day. In between I began reading yet another book that, while endorsing divorce (d&^%n them), outlines the likely trauma to the kids!
To top it off, my stbx was AN HOUR late picking me up from class today (I stood in the freezing cold until a classmate kindly drove me to Walmart where I waited another 1/2 hour for stbx (we only have one car). Then, the big trip to the museum he was supposed to have with the kids turned out to be alot of sitting around at home, wandering the mall, riding the subway to only spend 45 minutes at the museum. And now, home late and exhausted I am supposed to bake cookies with the kids and get dinner prepared.
I am CRUSHED and RAGING.
This is my future; their future. He pursues his selfish desires (wanted to go eat/shop at the mall, apparently) and everyone else gets screwed -- girls barely get to the museum; I am left standing in the freezing cold for an hour after taking a day long class that I only have to take because of the divorce to prepare for a job I don't want, but have to get because of the divorce and my kids lose quality time with mom!!!
He gets to be free and crushes us beneath his selfish feet! I believe what he is doing is a sin and should be a crime.
To take the children from a happy, functioning family (I make it function and he is the fun dad) to the hell of divorce ... nightmare ... nightmare ... nightmare. I won't have enough time for my children, I will be exhausted from work, stressed out about money; grieving horribly for their incredible pain at his departure. I only wish God were a vengeful God-- for a father to do this is his children ... the punishment should be eternal.
Ok, so I am having a low moment.
Thanks for letting me vent!
M

M;
I'm so sorry that things are rough right now. You're right! We're here, the cl's here are terrific, and venting is one thing that we all need to do now and then.
I'm on the other foot here. I'm the one who initiated the divorce and "all of this mess" as my stbx calls it. But . . . it sounds to me as though he's trying to control things. For some, it doesn't matter whether your a man or a woman, control is their big "thing". I know this, because my stbx is a control freak! Not a day goes by, even though we've been separated for 8 months now, that he doesn't try to inflict control onto me in some way or another, usually by using our kids.
You're right. Your life will change, and inevitably the lives of your children. I don't know how an adult can decide in their head that they want to inflict pain onto their children. I know, I initiated the divorce and separation, but I would not be here typing to you today if I had not. My kids are going through a lot. I know that. I just try to be there for them, he has custody-loooong story. Even when I'm down, depressed, hurting-have physical issues, I am there for them. No matter what. You taking the initiative to get your licensing back, and put your life back together will show your children in the long run, that you can face adversity and come out ahead.
Do you have a support system? It's really, really important. Remember, that taking care of yourself, eating, sleeping, relaxing, talking to your children are what will get you through this. I know it's tough being a single parent. But, this is the hand that at this point in our lives, has been handed to us. From your post, it sounds as though you have a higher power, and leaning on that right now, and when things get worse, will help.
I know it's tough having to "lean on and depend" on him for things. Especially when you know that it won't be there. I face that too, daily. Knowing that I cannot depend on the one person who I "should have" been able to, over the past 8 months, and the past 23 years, is a horrible thing to have to face each day. Just know, that somewhere, inside of you is the strength to do all of this and more! I know it doesn't seem like we have an endless supply of energy, strength, patience, etc., but as Mom's we really do don't we? When things seem like they are overwhelming, vent here. Ask for help. That's one of the big things that I've had to learn how to do. Realizing that I won't get through this by myself, has been a huge learning experience for me. Having this board, and others that I visit on ivillage is now, and in the past has, been such a Godsend!!
I hope that I've helped a bit.
Take care!!
Laurene
Thank you so much, Laurene, for such a supportive reply!
I know your situation is very difficult from your previous posts. I keep you and all the other folks on this board in my prayers. It isn't easy for any of us.
Thanks for the encouragement and I hope you get some encouraging news on the financial and familial front soon!
Hugs,
M
M;
You're quite welcome!!
Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts. You're right, we can all use as many as we can get.
Thanks also, for reading my previous posts. I truly hoped that I helped a bit.
Being under another person's control, feeling as though you're backed into a corner with no way out, is an awful feeling. As Mom's we try to find the easiest, simplest solution to dealing with our children. As we both know, when they are in the middle of a divorce, and we are under the weight of it all, it can seem as though it's just too much. Whether we are the ones who initially filed or not, they are the innocents, and as much as we try, they do get caught up in the middle. I truly believe that our showing them how we deal with things, shows them how to deal as they grow and mature. Even when we make mistakes, they learn. Having older children, I've found that explaining that even adults make mistakes has been a good thing. Showing them that we learn from those mistakes, makes such a huge impression!
Just know that I'm here, and praying for you too!
I hope that your day is a good one!!
Laurene