feeling guilty
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feeling guilty
| Mon, 09-10-2007 - 8:59am |
I will try to make this short & to the point. (Tell me if Im horrible). For 12 years I have been married to a man who has really never been there emotionally for me or our daughter. Never a bad man, but one who could NEVER show emotion. I fell out of love for him a long time ago and never really had the nerve or a good enough reason to divorce him. I just stayed because it was conveinent for all of us. I had resigned to just live life best I can. (emotionally alone). 1 month ago, I met my soul-mate. He loves me and I love him, more than anything in the world. I told my husband I want a divorce, who had no idea anything was wrong in the first place! Im feeling guilty. Badly, but I want nothing more than to be with this man. And divorced from my husband. (who by the way has made a COMPLETE 180 and expects me to give him 1 more chance.) I dont want to give him another chance and I feel guilty as hell. Im sorry. So very sorry. Am I sick? Am I that much of a cold hearted person that I cant give him 1 more chance? Im sorry, I just dont want to. I want a life with this other man and our daughters. Please help me, please.

Everytime I hear someone say they have met their soul mate when they are in the midst of an affair it makes me want to puke. Is he married? Have you thought about the effect this will have on your daughter(s)? Odds are your H is not going to take this lying down and you will have him to deal with for the rest of your life since you have children together.
I think you needs some time to really think this through. I know people in Affairs hate to hear the word "fog," but I think you are in it now.
Good luck with your decision - it will be a life changing one - not just for you, but your whole family......
I guess there must be a new definition of affair then - usually when someone is still married and is making plans with someone else it would be considered at least an emotional affair. Good luck to you and your "soulmate, but most of all to your daughter. This will be a life changing decision and be prepared for the fallout....
Your H also deserves to be with someone who will love him and not just be convenient.
Edited 9/10/2007 1:30 pm ET by icuriousone
Hi "Feeling Guilty" -
This is long but hopefully it will help you...
I can empathize with your confusion, being in a loveless marriage is very difficult. I was married for 13 years to a man who was not only emotionally abscent but also emotionally abusive. After 13 years he left me for someone else, his soul mate who he knew for 1 month. We got divorced and I got to learn about me and who I was outside of any man. I gained confidence in what I want out of my life. I met my soul mate and we were married 11 months ago. I came away from the experience feeling strong about my relationship with my now husband because it was forged with no other outside influences.
Being in the relationship that you have been in your are emotionally starved and the first person to come along that showers you with affection is an incredible feeling especially when you thought that you were going to have to exist. I went through this very thing. My therapist worked me through this because I too would have very easily jumped to the first guy who gave me affection and love I so craved.
The other comment/concern I have is that for your husband. After my divorce I took a journey of discovery, if you will, that helped me see things with a clear mind. I learned a great deal about how men work and how they think. If you have not read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is right on. Men don't see things the same way we do. Your husband did not know anything was wrong because you did not tell him. It is unfair of anyone to expect something of someone unless the other person knows. Walking away from a 12 year marriage is a huge step especially when both parties have not been aware of the issues and made every attempt to work through it, counseling. My first marriage I can honestly say I made every attempt I could to make things better. I went through counseling, I tried to get him to go to counseling and even tried separating. In the end he checked out. Your husband has not checked out and although you are in aw of this other man and the affection he is showing you it is only fair to husband, you and your daughter to take a step back. I question any individual who is willing to enter into a relationship with someone who is currently married. You are not strong, no one is who is unhappy in a marriage.
I would strongly recommend that you take a step back. Separate from your husband, get counseling and really explore your true feelings separate from all the emotions. The counseling is a necessity. It will help you, your husband and your daughter work through this process in a healthy way so there are no regrets. If you are not meant to remain married to your husband then you can leave knowing you did all you can. With regards to this other man, if he truly is your soul mate he will wait. He should not only understand but want you whole and not emotionally starved.
My ex-husband did what you did. He rushed into a marriage and did not find himself first or take the time to evolve a relationship in a healthy way, much like what you are doing. He is having problems in his now marriage. He is questioning what he did and thought he knew the person he married but did not.
Best of luck!
Awe! but he had been having an affair and telling the OW that things were over a long time ago between us.( not so) Someone 20 years younger blah blah blah. ( typical middle age crap) He never even came home!at all.
Sorry I fine myself venting more and more lately. Please take time. Do not do anything rash.