feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
feeling guilty
6
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 8:59am
I will try to make this short & to the point. (Tell me if Im horrible). For 12 years I have been married to a man who has really never been there emotionally for me or our daughter. Never a bad man, but one who could NEVER show emotion. I fell out of love for him a long time ago and never really had the nerve or a good enough reason to divorce him. I just stayed because it was conveinent for all of us. I had resigned to just live life best I can. (emotionally alone). 1 month ago, I met my soul-mate. He loves me and I love him, more than anything in the world. I told my husband I want a divorce, who had no idea anything was wrong in the first place! Im feeling guilty. Badly, but I want nothing more than to be with this man. And divorced from my husband. (who by the way has made a COMPLETE 180 and expects me to give him 1 more chance.) I dont want to give him another chance and I feel guilty as hell. Im sorry. So very sorry. Am I sick? Am I that much of a cold hearted person that I cant give him 1 more chance? Im sorry, I just dont want to. I want a life with this other man and our daughters. Please help me, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: starz54933
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 12:34pm

Everytime I hear someone say they have met their soul mate when they are in the midst of an affair it makes me want to puke. Is he married? Have you thought about the effect this will have on your daughter(s)? Odds are your H is not going to take this lying down and you will have him to deal with for the rest of your life since you have children together.

I think you needs some time to really think this through. I know people in Affairs hate to hear the word "fog," but I think you are in it now.

Good luck with your decision - it will be a life changing one - not just for you, but your whole family......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
In reply to: starz54933
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 12:43pm
Actually, I am not in the middle of an affair, and no, he is not married. Yes, I have thought about my daughter. I love my daughter, and have no intentions of whisking off and getting married in the next few months. Too bad I made ya want to puke! But this is what I feel, and he feels, and I really just wanted some support from this group. Im not perfect, I have made mistakes, and probably will continue to do so, but I had made up my mind about my marraige long before he came along. Thanks a lot
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: starz54933
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 1:26pm

I guess there must be a new definition of affair then - usually when someone is still married and is making plans with someone else it would be considered at least an emotional affair. Good luck to you and your "soulmate, but most of all to your daughter. This will be a life changing decision and be prepared for the fallout....

Your H also deserves to be with someone who will love him and not just be convenient.




Edited 9/10/2007 1:30 pm ET by icuriousone
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: starz54933
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 1:01am
No, you are not sick or horrible - you're human. You have been in an emotional desert for a long time so it's easy to understand why you feel the way you do. I would give it more time since you've only known each other for one month. Do you have someone you could talk to, like a therapist, to help you sort through your feelings? This might help you more than you realize, especially since there are children involved. Hang in there and try your hardest to take your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
In reply to: starz54933
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:19am

Hi "Feeling Guilty" -

This is long but hopefully it will help you...

I can empathize with your confusion, being in a loveless marriage is very difficult. I was married for 13 years to a man who was not only emotionally abscent but also emotionally abusive. After 13 years he left me for someone else, his soul mate who he knew for 1 month. We got divorced and I got to learn about me and who I was outside of any man. I gained confidence in what I want out of my life. I met my soul mate and we were married 11 months ago. I came away from the experience feeling strong about my relationship with my now husband because it was forged with no other outside influences.

Being in the relationship that you have been in your are emotionally starved and the first person to come along that showers you with affection is an incredible feeling especially when you thought that you were going to have to exist. I went through this very thing. My therapist worked me through this because I too would have very easily jumped to the first guy who gave me affection and love I so craved.

The other comment/concern I have is that for your husband. After my divorce I took a journey of discovery, if you will, that helped me see things with a clear mind. I learned a great deal about how men work and how they think. If you have not read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is right on. Men don't see things the same way we do. Your husband did not know anything was wrong because you did not tell him. It is unfair of anyone to expect something of someone unless the other person knows. Walking away from a 12 year marriage is a huge step especially when both parties have not been aware of the issues and made every attempt to work through it, counseling. My first marriage I can honestly say I made every attempt I could to make things better. I went through counseling, I tried to get him to go to counseling and even tried separating. In the end he checked out. Your husband has not checked out and although you are in aw of this other man and the affection he is showing you it is only fair to husband, you and your daughter to take a step back. I question any individual who is willing to enter into a relationship with someone who is currently married. You are not strong, no one is who is unhappy in a marriage.

I would strongly recommend that you take a step back. Separate from your husband, get counseling and really explore your true feelings separate from all the emotions. The counseling is a necessity. It will help you, your husband and your daughter work through this process in a healthy way so there are no regrets. If you are not meant to remain married to your husband then you can leave knowing you did all you can. With regards to this other man, if he truly is your soul mate he will wait. He should not only understand but want you whole and not emotionally starved.

My ex-husband did what you did. He rushed into a marriage and did not find himself first or take the time to evolve a relationship in a healthy way, much like what you are doing. He is having problems in his now marriage. He is questioning what he did and thought he knew the person he married but did not.

Best of luck!

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: starz54933
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 3:22pm
I have to admit I have not done a lot of reading on relationships but I have read some and have been to therapy after my husband left me. You certainly owe it to your family, yourself your husband and your children to address your needs and problems in therapy. Marriage is not all fun and games just like LIFE in general is not. You can love your H but not feel as if you are "in love" with him. Different times in our lives we react differently to things. I think it has to do with balance of everyday life and how you meet each others needs. When I first learned my H was unfaithful( described as a sexual fling) I did not handle it well and became consumed with jealousy. But I was not the only one in the relationship. He never did anything to reconcile the problems with me. So several years later when I got beyond those feelings of jealousy things changed. He was away working. I missed him and suddenly felt head over heels again. I felt very blessed.
Awe! but he had been having an affair and telling the OW that things were over a long time ago between us.( not so) Someone 20 years younger blah blah blah. ( typical middle age crap) He never even came home!at all.
Sorry I fine myself venting more and more lately. Please take time. Do not do anything rash.