Feeling guilty
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Feeling guilty
| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:45am |
Hi, I am new to this board, but here goes. I have been separated for about 10 months. I have been married for 25 years now, and did file for a divorce in May. My STBX was a very tempered man and vocal with it. He was only physical a few times though (ex. restraining me, choking once, kick in the back), but he always threatened to tear up my car, burn down the house, or take my children if I left and he put me outside one winter night without keys, socks or anything. He didn't leave me long, but these are examples of why I became so unhappy. He could be a good man alot of times and was a good father. Here is my problem, he keeps contesting the divorce, not for property,(I am not asking for anything) but because he wants me back. He swears he has changed and seems sincere. He drives me crazy though, calls all the time, texts about 200 times a month (I counted them) and won't leave me alone. I feel so guilty because I believe he is really hurting. My next problem is that I have met a man that actually seems normal and I have developed feelings for him. The new man swears that my STBX's constant calls and contesting of the divorce are just more signs of a controlling behavior. Is he right or should I really feel guilty about leaving my STBX? I thought this would be easy since I waited until my children were grown, but it is still very hard. I don't love him as a H and haven't for years, so if I go back it would be only be because of the guilt I feel for hurting another person. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

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He is definitely an abusive man - if you are interested in reading about his behaviour try a book by Lundy bancroft Called "Why does he do that? Understanding the controlling angry man." Or something very similar to that. Your husband has definitely stepped over that line. Men in those situations also always show remorse.
My recomendation is that he get some help - he needs to admit to his problem first though. If you wnat to get back together with him then in order to deal with the abuse - he will need intensive counselling. If you do not really want him back then I say move on and let him reap the rewards of his horrendous behaviour.
I am leaving an abusive situation right now. h blames me for everything even when he totally lost his cool and did some nasty things. He does not take any responsibility for his actions/behaviour at all. As much as I do not want to put my children through this - I know we all will be much better off in the long run.
Best of luck to you - I know it is so easy for a stranger on a message board to make these snap decisions - and obviously you have 25 years of emotion and memories adding to your confusion and concern. If you are like me, you know deep down what you want and you have to do what is best for you.
(((((Hugs)))))
Rose
I am so sorry that you're going through this. What a trooper to stick it out for your kids! Now it is time to do what's right for YOU. DO NOT stay in an abusive relationship out of guilt and feeling badly for someone else. Stay if YOU want to stay. (But you pretty much said that if you went back, it would only be for him).
I am in the middle of a divorce (I couldn't wait until both my kids were grown as you did) and a wonderful friend told me recently that only I am responsible for the amount of guilt that I allow myself to feel.
Please take care of yourself.
Thanks genetixgirl
I do need to make you aware that the physical abuse seemed to have stopped in the past few years, however the temper had continued. He became angry over some of the simplest things. The love was just gone from me, and I no longer respected him. That isn't fair for him or myself. I hope I can learn to let go of the guilt and I'm sure it would help if he would just leave me alone. He just doesn't stop.
I hope you do well through your divorce, this is such a tough road to travel, so we will have to remember to stay strong and there will be a brighter tomorrow.
My goal is to rise above this and come out "unjaded". Everything I do, I do in that light. We shall see! :)
Living apart should help you? When I moved out in late July, it was upon the advice of our marriage counselor that we separate. He wouldn't leave the house, so I had to. We still have a 9-year old to raise, so I have to interact with him a lot, but it dawned on me within the past month (apparently, I am a s-l-o-w learner...) that when I drop off DD or come to see her, that if he starts something (not in front of her, thank goodness, but after she is in bed as I am leaving), that I can just, you know, LEAVE. And if he starts an argument on the phone, I can just, you know, HANG UP. It is amazingly empowering. I am a very strong and independent woman, so it's weird that it took so long for me to be OK not being yelled at by my husband. I am certain that it was the guilt that I was initiating this, and the uncertainty about wrecking the family. (Not to mention the fact that since we were together so long, he knows EXACTLY what to say to make me feel like crap.) In his defense, he never really yelled at me like this until I announced last January that I thought our marriage was a shambles and I might want a divorce. Now I have seen the side of him that he had reserved for others, including our oldest daughter.
So, if you are separated, how does your H still control you? Is it something like I just described? Phone calls? Coming over? Seeing him around?
I told him I was leaving him in September 2005, but I waited until the end of March 2006 to actually move out. I have lived out on my own for almost 10 months now. The way he still gets to me is through texts, asking people what I am doing (ex. my adult children, their friends and my co-workers). My manager at work threatened to call the police on him if he didn't stop calling me at work. He made himself seem suicidal a few times to our children, I would go check on him and he would have pill bottles sitting around, but he was okay. The last time he did it I just sent the police and he hasn't done that anymore. I don't know how to get him to accept that I don't want to come back home, and making me feel sorry for him is not the right reason for me to come back there.
It is nice not to be tense all the time wondering when the temper is going to unleash, or the yelling is going to start, isn't it? I know this has to be more difficult for you since you still have a minor child, so you must be a very strong person to make your move. I sometimes wish I hadn't waited until my children were grown, so maybe I would already be settled into a new life.
Thanks for the replies, I really need this.
CLS,
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I moved out of my home in Aug. 2005. The divorce was filed in July 2005. He has held up the divorce and it is STILL not final! It should be done on March 13th when we go to court. He did all the things your husband has done.
With the passage of time, however, we do not even speak to each other anymore and it's great. He still tries to control through the kids though (ages 13 & 17). It would have been our 22 year anniversary in December, so I understand what you're going through. Guilt has been my number one problem. It is hard.
Perhaps you should change your cell phone # so he can't text message you anymore. The longer you go without contact from him, the better off you'll be. Oh, and by the way, he may say he's changed, but trust me, they don't change. If anything, mine is even meaner than ever. Because you have caused him tremendous pain, your life would be a living hell if you went back to him.
I was so unhappy during the last 6 or 7 years of our marriage and would constantly fantasize about my freedom but was waiting until the kids got older. I don't think it was good for them to witness the abuse their father delivered by his caustic mouth and bad temper. I should have left years ago, but I guess I just wasn't ready. He had told me that if I ever left him he would "take the kids away" from me and I wasn't up to facing a fight 8 years ago. To help me through all this, I have had a good therapist and the help of my dear friends and family.
Also, like you, I have met someone very, very special and dear who is a gem and who is going through the same thing as me (I have often told him we should fix up the exes with each other, but then they'd kill each other! LOL). He has been so good for my soul and it's wonderful to know that there are actually good guys out there that are not mean SOBs.
Stay strong and please know that you ARE NOT ALONE. You should also read and post on the domestic violence/new beginnings board. That board has really been helpful for me.
Please feel free to email me anytime if you would like to have some support since you have been in a long term marriage like me. Lord knows I still need it because there are times when I feel so alone. My email address is weehoo62@msn.com.
Take care and I hope you have a better new year. That's what I'm hoping for myself.
Regards, Belinda
I could have written your post except I'm only in the beginning stages. H seems like he's really hurting and I'm sure he is. But I won't go back to emotional abuse. I do feel guilty at times, but I'm getting over it. He begs a lot. E-mails and texts. I stopped answering them. I was trying to wait for him to agree to a divorce, but he won't. I don't want any property either. I just want out. I took some furniture and he accused me of taking all of it. Hello!!! I don't have a bed to sleep on! Neither does our daughter. I at least took the couches which both pull out into beds. I have a crib for our son my SIL gave me to use.
Anyway, I took very little. I just want him to walk away gracefully, but he won't. He can't accept that he was abusive. He keeps telling me how wonderful he was to me. His family thinks I've lost my mind and are offering to pay for court for him to take the kids. They have no clue what I went through with him. Or they think because he "quit" drinking that I should give him another chance. As if drinking was his only problem.
Anyway, before I rant... I hear you. I do feel guilty for hurting him. But he feels no guilt for hurting me. He threatens revenge a lot... custody or refusing to sign divorce papers. I'm seeing my attorney tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting this moving.
Oh, I am not that strong. I miss my house, I miss having someone to whom to talk about my day, I miss sex... :)
But I love living alone and not having to worry about pleasing people 24/7 and not having to explain why I was late from work and my time with my kids is so much better and more relaxed now...
So, in balance, I cannot imagine going back. But I refuse to become cynical. I still believe in love and good relationships, because I see them. It's just that mine was one of convenience for me but I thought it was love when I was 20 and had just raised a baby by myself for a year. I too wish I had done this sooner, but then I wouldn't have my 9-year old, who is AMAZING.
It all works out. Eventually. Surviving in between is the hard part. :)
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