Feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Feeling guilty
14
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:45am
Hi, I am new to this board, but here goes. I have been separated for about 10 months. I have been married for 25 years now, and did file for a divorce in May. My STBX was a very tempered man and vocal with it. He was only physical a few times though (ex. restraining me, choking once, kick in the back), but he always threatened to tear up my car, burn down the house, or take my children if I left and he put me outside one winter night without keys, socks or anything. He didn't leave me long, but these are examples of why I became so unhappy. He could be a good man alot of times and was a good father. Here is my problem, he keeps contesting the divorce, not for property,(I am not asking for anything) but because he wants me back. He swears he has changed and seems sincere. He drives me crazy though, calls all the time, texts about 200 times a month (I counted them) and won't leave me alone. I feel so guilty because I believe he is really hurting. My next problem is that I have met a man that actually seems normal and I have developed feelings for him. The new man swears that my STBX's constant calls and contesting of the divorce are just more signs of a controlling behavior. Is he right or should I really feel guilty about leaving my STBX? I thought this would be easy since I waited until my children were grown, but it is still very hard. I don't love him as a H and haven't for years, so if I go back it would be only be because of the guilt I feel for hurting another person. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
In reply to: cls863
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:07am
Things are getting worse with the texts. He has started telling me things that really make me feel guilty. One in particular, is that he loves me more than his own parents. That makes you feel horrible. He keeps reassuring me that he has changed and won't be mean anymore. He is finding that he is getting no response from me, so now he is driving our 18 year old daughter crazy. She received 13 texts in a 5 hour period yesterday, and they are all about me. He tells her what to say to try to get me to come home. I thought he would move on after this long. How can I stop this for me and her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: cls863
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:41am

I haven't had this same situation. However, my dad was an alcoholic until all us kids were long gone (he was maybe close to 70 years old when he quit??) My mom took a few things one day, took "his" car (the "good one that he never let anyone drive but was in her name too) and left. She sent him a long letter and basically said that if he didn't get help and stop drinking, she wasn't coming back. (This really empowered me, by the way, despite that it took her so friggin' long to finally do it).

He moaned and groaned and called us adult kids and we truly did not know where she was so could say that. (I still don't know where she was all that time, maybe a few months). He went to AA, hasn't drunk since (to my knowledge), she came back. Things still aren't picture perfect (he still has a temper and resents her for leaving), but the alcohol factor is gone after like 50-plus years. Now they tolerate each other out of need because they are both old and afraid to live alone. (Seeing these two sad lives wasted with people they did not really love is what gave me the strength to assess my own marriage).

So maybe you could ultimatum his butt into anger management or counseling?? With my parents, she just has to prove that she wasn't going to take it any more. What she did was drastic and attention-getting and she stubbornly refused to come home again just because he was trying to guilt her into it. (He also used the "you will be all alone" tactic because he knew that was something she feared).

I don't text, but the few I have received indicate that I can read them or not and I know up front who they're from. So don't read them? The daughter doesn't have to read them? Could it be that simple? You know what they're about. It's not like you have to torture yourself by reading every word. You're gone. There is no one pushing the little button on the phone forcing you to read his words! Some women also get restraining orders against stalkers like this. I don't know the legal definition of a stalker, but obsessive texting in your situation might be considered that? But really, texting him saying, "I'm not reading any more of your texts" and then NOT READING ANY MORE OF THE TEXTS might be the simplest, for now anyway.

Your original postings indicated that you really wanted out of this and the only reason you would go back was out of guilt and pity for him. NOT A GOOD REASON TO DO ANYTHING IN LIFE!!! No offense to you or anyone reading, but you wouldn't happen to be of a certain religious faith notorious for inducing guilt would you? :) I was raised Catholic and although I have switched to something more a match to my personailty, the guilt is STILL there. Plus I think women feel more guilty about disrupting relationships and hurting other people in the process (huge sweeping generalization there but nonetheless somewhat true). I am approaching a year since I initially brought up divorce to my STBX and I still feel badly for him and want the transition to be smooth and I haven't even lived with him since July last year! He knows me well enough, as your STBX knows you, to know EXACTLY how to induce the guilt feelings. It is so hard to stomp on them, but I am getting so much better about being kind, but "business-like" in my dealings with him, and not allowing him to use me as his therapist.

So I can't give you a specific action to take. You must decide what you need to make the rest of your life enjoyable. You know what life with him is like. You don't know what life without him will be like. You have to decide whether you want to certainty of what life with him has to offer, or the uncertainty of a life without him, possibly happier but you won't really know until it's happening. That's the leap of faith. And it always is in any tough life decision: stick with the known or venture into the unknown that might be better but might not.

Good luck and keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
In reply to: cls863
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:13am

Funny you should ask about religion. I thought long and hard about leaving before I did so, just because I feel that I could go straight to Hell for it. I am Baptist, and I used to be totally involved in church and all the activities. That is another one of the things he took control of. Something was preached in church he didn't agree with one Sunday, and he decided we weren't going to that church anymore. I had been a member for about 11 years. I have tried to go back, but just can't seem to feel the same about being there.

I don't know why he would want me back, he should have been miserable too. The only connection we had was our children. We didn't sleep in the same bedrooms anymore, although he visited mine periodically. He knew how much I HATED sex with him. I don't feel that husband/wife connection. We rarely talked, we had a large home, so it was easy to stay in separate areas and not cross paths to often. If we were together we mainly argued or were short with each other. He keeps telling me how good I had it, because he didn't drink, and he never left a bruise on me. That's true, the times he was physical, he stopped short of the strength it would take to leave bruises.

I will be honest, I would (out of guilt) probably go back, if it weren't for the man I have met. I have been talking with him for several months now, and have been seeing him regularly. My STBX was the only man I had ever been with, until now. I had other men through the years want to take me out and stuff, but I was devoted to my marriage then, I guess I still wanted to make it work. I really don't have that desire to work through it anymore, but yet I still feel guilty about seeing someone else. I met my H when I was 15 and married him at 18. I can truly say you don't know someone until you actually live with them. I am sorry for going on and on, I am just so confused. You don't know how much I appreciate the advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: cls863
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 5:36pm

Sometimes they hold on just because they don't want anyone to "know". Sometimes, it's the inability to remain in denial. (Somehow, living miserably in a big house is OK because you can pretend that you're not).

It's nice that you have met someone, but you need to be careful about that too. I married young, and my STBX is my "first and only", and even though there is a very special friend in my life, and that is all we are at this point even though I find myself thinking how cool it would be if there were more, I am not willing to fall into that until 1) my split with my STBX is final and 2) I am sure what I really want from a relationship so I don't end up with someone else wrong.

I have been spending some time the past few months living on my own (for the first time, mind you!) getting to know ME. I always thought that I would be scared and/or bored living by myself. Not so! I get lonely sometimes, less so now, but then I just go somewhere where I know there will be people, or I take a walk, or I take a drive and listen to my music really loudly. :)

It's OK to continue a friendship, or more, but please be careful. Even though I feel the need to rush into something too, there really is no rush at all, you know.

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