Feeling Hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2013
Feeling Hopeless
4
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 9:08am

Ive been with my husband for 10 years. We got married in 2010.  We have always had problems but always said that even though we had these problems, we wanted to be together.  Last year, I decided to get some therapy on my own becasue I wasnt happy.  It wasnt that I was unhappy in my marriage, I was unhappy with me.  My therapist, felt at the time, that it was a good idea for me to move out of the house and try to figure me out because I had so many emotions. I left for 3 months but spent many nights/weekends with my husband. In September we went on vacation and when we came back I moved back in.  We spent the fall and winter having our usual arguments.  In January we decided together that I should move out so that we could try to work on things between us because it wasnt working with me living there.  My husband really did not try to get along with me after I left.  I asked him to try marriage counseling and he agreed.  Once we got to marriage counseling, things werent working at all because he just decided that no matter what things couldnt be better.  I've since found out that he is seeing someone. 

I still want to try to make things work out.  Things do not feel resolved for me. It's not that I feel I can't love someone else or that I can't be happy without him because honestly thats just silly. Of course I can fall in love again and of course I can be happy on my own. But it just doesnt feel right.

I just dont know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 10:40am

Wow..

After I read your post the first thing that came to mind was that your husband is not committing or has a problem commiting to your marriage.. You leave home and he agrees to it and then you move back in and he is seeing another woman.. Yikes. He is still married to you and he is seeing someone else?? No no no and he is not honoring his marriage or his marriage vows.. He appears to have a huge problem with marriage committment and it also appears from your post but I am not sure that you are holding up the marriage 100 percent and he is giving way less into it..

I am not you but what I would do is move back into the marital home and tell your husband to either work on the marriage together with you or get a divorce... oh; and tell him to get rid of the gfriend.. I am also wondering what you both agreed upon when you moved out.. Did you say you and he could see other people? I also feel there is a total lack of communication here.. That can be dealt with in counseling but he def. has to get rid of the gfriend..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 2:53pm

Probably the reason that things do not feel resolved for you is because your husband decided on his own that the marriage could not be fixed, and checked out emotionally. After 10 years as a couple and 3 years married I think he owes it to you to give some explanations as to how and why he decided that it couldn't be fixed or he was no longer willing to try. Maybe that would help you to have some closure.

If just talking to him doesn't resolve your feelings, you could ask/insist that he again go with you to counseling so there is a third party to guide the discussion. IMO for him to start seeing someone else before you two had agreed that the relationship could not be repaired was not right. He owes you an apology for that.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 3:00pm

Oh gosh sweetie.  I am going to try and be neutral here and not pick sides.  

Obviously he should not be seeing someone.  Period.  But with that said, I would imagine you moving out, still spending a substantial amount of nights with him, then moving back in with out anything really being solved, probably didn't help anything.  

That is the thing with separation.  I know some can take a break and come back together stronger, but boy it opens the door for a lot to go "wrong."  

If your gut is telling you not to get D, then definately hold off.  Now if he files.... well, then there you are.  I am getting the feeling that both of you are fighting your own demons.

Keep up getting the help you need on your own.  Good luck, what ever happens.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 8:49pm

It's very difficult to save a marriage when only one person wants to work at fixing the problems.  Since your DH doesn't sound that interested & has already found someone else, which gives him even less incentive to work on the marriage, I'm not sure you could do it by yourself.  I understand you might not want to pull the plug right now, but I think he has to make a decision of either committing to the marriage or getting a divorce.  

IMHO, I can't really see how when people aren't living together, it helps the marriage --I think people can avoid their problems a lot more because they aren't together.  I can see certain situations, like if there is constant arguing or violence, it might be better to separate, but I think your therapist gave poor advice.  You can work on being a better person while you are still living w/ your DH--most people can't just move somewhere else whenever they have a problem if they are married.