Feeling invisible.......
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 10:25pm |
Hello-
Just started using this board a couple of weeks ago. I've received very healthy input and continue to use the support for the rough times now and ahead.
I've been married 15 years and two amazing kids with him. We met in high school. He's been my one and only. Never had sex with anyone else. Never really dated before. We started off having a lot in common, then as he approached his 39th birthday - something snapped. I'd like to think he has a severe case of mid-life. He approached me and said he didn't love me anymore and didn't feel this marriage was enough for him. So, last Dec. is when this first came up. I took the bull by the horns and called a lawyer and had the papers drawn up. The papers arrived mid Jan and we both sat down and reviewed them at our kitchen table. He crumbled. Said he couldn't do it. Said he wanted to try again and that he did love me. I was confused as hell, but I took the bait. We had a very "electric" reconcilation - but it only last 2 weeks. Drifted along for a few months and then he started getting distant and I could see the signs that he was pulling away again. I approached him - we talked things to death (as always - we are over-communicators) and AGAIN....he said he didn't love me the way he felt I deserved. I was mad. I felt foolish and tricked that I was pulled back in. Well, here we are again. It is June and last month I called the same lawyer and the lawyer agreed to pick up where we left off the first time. Things are moving quickly.
He's waivering again. He's telling me he needs another week to see if he can love me again. I feel awful when he says that. You either do or you don't - what is a week going to prove?? I feel invisible because I've had it. I called him and told him I'm done with this crazy rollercoaster ride. I could tell he wasn't listening to me. He wasn't taking me seriously. He thinks I'm a revolving door. I guess I have been - but the tears have stopped and I feel calmer since he moved out. I physically get sick when I know he's coming. He's mentally unhealthy for me. I'm so afraid he'll try to pull me back in - but I feel stronger this time. I'm beginning to really find myself and love myself and feel I deserve security and love from someone. Nothing wishy-washy. Anyway, wish me luck. I hope this new found strength stays with me. I guess a day at a time - huh?

Hang in there. Whatever you do protect yourself, be good to yourself, do what you need for YOU. If he is in MidLife Crisis you may be in for a very confusing roller coaster ride.
My X played so many head games with me it drove me nuts. We are divorced. He wanted to reconcile after adultery. I tried but he is still so wishy washy I am thinking that I dont need this 30 year relationship in my life anymore.
Sometimes we allow them to play games for many years as you can see. Just do what is best for YOU always.
Oh hugs.
I so remember those days. I ended up changing my phone number to an unlisted number because he would call and leave me messages and I would literally throw up everytime I heard his voice. The rollercoaster emotional ride is awful, I lost 30 lbs in a month I wasn't eating, sleeping or able to keep anything down when I managed TOO eat.
My husband never waivered, he always wanted a divorce (because he was cheating) but he didn't lift a darn finger to get it, I had to do it all because he would have went and moved in with his mistress and lived there married to me as long as I would let him, he was just so lazy, wanted out, cheated on me but wasn't man enough to move forward with the divorce so I had to take the bulls by the horn because I wasn't going to allow MY life to remain in limbo.
I'm sorry you are having to go through him waivering. In your heart do you feel that he still loves you or do you feel he's just afraid of change? I mean I can see someone staying married for fear of the unknown but thats unfair to you, you shouldn't have to remain married to a man that tells you he doesn't love you TWICE now but yet, buckles when you say "put up or shut up" in my opinion, despite the fact that he is waivering I think you need to push forward unless things have changed, unless he's gone to counseling, unless he's really going ot make an effort than I would push forward because it could just be he's afraid of change and if in your heart you truly think that this is just another case of what you already went through in December I would move forward.
It's a difficult time but big hugs to you, you are doing great. Hang in there!
Smile,
Deirdre
Hugs back to you too :)
This latest "episode" is definitely a mirror image of what happened in the winter. Only, this time, I'm angrier. I don't show it in front of anyone - but I feel emotionally more stable than before. He is seeing a therapist. We've been through hours and hours of marriage counseling. I've always been grateful that he was a willing participant. We truly care about eachother - but he is truly high maintenance and very hard to keep happy. He needs everything done almost perfectly. I'm always on egg shells with him and he knows that. It is his personality. I'm more laid back than he is. Anyway, yes, I do believe he still loves me - but in a different way. He loves a lot about me - but he is unrealistic regarding marriage. He wants to be in the honeymoon stage all the time. I can't control that. When you're married for a while - things tend to get comfortable. I'm okay with that - he isn't. Just tired of the differences - tired of not being myself - tired of trying to be what he wants. He should be coming tomorrow to sign papers - but I think he's going to pull something on me. Just have a feeling. If not, I guess I better take a deep breath and jump and hope this divorce goes as quickly as possible. All the custody and property issues are in order. Everything's basically ready to go - I just hope I'm as ready as I think I am. Take care and I'm sorry about you're situation. To be perfectly honest with you - if I was dealing with a third party -I can truly honestly say - I would have no problem whatsoever saying goodbye. Absolutely unforgiveable to bring a stranger into your marriage. You sound very stable to me and I guess we just have to move forward and take care of business. Thanks again for everything and hugs hugs hugs to you. L
Yes it's been many years since my divorce. You'd be surprised I always said I would just kick him out if he cheated on me but it was just so different once I was in the experience, the only thing I cared about was my marriage, she was irrelevant to me really.
I have long since forgiven him, her and what went on and I'm in such a good place now but I do try to help those on the betrayed spouse board who have experienced the same thing I have or here because I have been there, you know? Its such a difficult time in your life, but I am living proof that life on the other side is good.
And thank god for unanswered prayers as the song goes, I think back now to how many times I prayed for him to come home and now I realize the divorce was the best path for ME to get ME back, I was drowning in that marriage and didn't realize it until I was out of it and could see it clearer you know?
Good luck to you, you sound like you are strong and you'll make it through whichever path you follow.
Smile,
Deirdre