Feeling pain
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Feeling pain
| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:01am |
Hi,
I'm divorcing my verbally/emotionally abusive H. I feel a lot of sadness in this regard. He was my best friend and my partner. There were good times in between the bad.But he says he can't change and I feel I have no other alternative than to do what's best for me and my toddler. I suppose I will miss his compainionship some and I have a fear about going out on my own. I don't have a lot of friends or family and it will be hard.
How do you get over losing your best friend, your partner? How do you get over losing the dream of what could have or should have been? It's just so hard. I feel so sad.I hope I can do this.
Kelly

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hi kelly-
hey, know what? you can do this. you have taken the first step to a happier life for yourself and a safer one for your baby and you. you will miss him. there is no doubt about that. prepare yourself for the ride of your life in the emotional area. you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby. stay stron and come to this board when you need support. i am here alot and it helps to know that there are others that are going through the same stuff. you can mail me any time. i know you can do what you need to. just look into your babies little eyes. your baby needs you and you can do this.
robin
thanks. I keep asking myself if I would want my daughter married to a man like this. In a way this type of man puts you on a pedestal and then knocks you down when things don't go his way. I think that's what makes it doubly hard.But I wonder if he really would change for me. If he would be a man. There are times when he gets so mad he threatens me or throws things and I worry about raising my child in an environment like that. I hear that these kind of men rarely change. But still it is so hard after so many years (13).
Thanks,
Kelly
well kelly, i hope that someday you will agree that a <> is not a "best friend".
in the meantime - are you sure that what you are feeling is sadness? maybe you are simply afraid of being out there on your own? that is totally normal; in fact, that is probably what keeps abused women with their abusers year after year. I have been there myself.
if you have been abused - i am wondering if you had any therapy to help you thru this? it is a very good idea, it will help you move past the guilt and fear, and work thru the anger, and on to better stuff.
hang in there - it will pass. take care o fyou and your child
I do have fears about being out there on my own. I didn't think I did but when I really think about it I know I do deep down. I'm not good at making friends or things like that. And I can get depressed. So it's hard.My life was largely oriented around H although having a baby changed that some.
I'm in therapy right now and it does help. But day to day living is really hard.Part of the thing is she makes me second guess myself. Although she thinks it's abusive, she seems to think that there is a chance that he would change once he realizes what he's losing. From what I've read, these men rarely change.And he's already talking to women online and looking for dates so I don't know what to think.
Anyway, I have filed for D. Hopefully I have the courage to go through with it.
Thanks
Hi kelly,
About your counselor, she will make you second guess yourself a lot because she is trying to help you make up your mind. I went through that with my counselor and thought she was silly... But she helped me to make up my mind.
I am also trying to end very abusive relationship, and my life revolved around my husband since I submitted to his pressure and cut off myself from the rest of the world. My husband and I live separated, and I only recive a half of childcare expenses for our 3 kids. Yet, he still manages himself to tell me what to do with B-, Wh-, Sl-, and the rest of the name calling.
I have slowly gained my strength over the years. Money is big factor when we have dependants. I don't have much friends neither, and this newsgroup has been a tremendous support. I hope you stick around.
You wrote:
About your counselor, she will make you second guess yourself a lot because she is trying to help you make up your mind. I went through that with my counselor and thought she was silly... But she helped me to make up my mind.
So this doesn't necessarily mean she thinks I'm making a big mistake? I guess she just wants me to be sure. Maybe she's scared too that down the road I will lament how I didn't give him a real chance to change or something.
I just plain doubt myself. I doubt whether I have the strength to go through with divorce and whether there has been enough abuse to justify a divorce. What makes me think I will go through with it is that I'm worried about our child. I don't want her to see an unhealthy relationship.
Thanks,
Kelly
My counselor made me think about every possible solutions for my happiness, which included giving him a chance. Yes, I thought about giving him a chance and gave many chances... I also had to make some lists on what I like about him, what I dislike about him, what I look for in a relationship, etc. While I was stil having hopes on our relationship, his behavior never changes. He had ups and downs, and always came back to "down" which included many threats. So, it finally hit me that I want something better... I want to be able to have a home that I can look forward to coming home. I wanted to be able to relax at home. It would not happen with him being in my life.
My fear of being alone or leaving him disappreared when I gained financial strength. If you really want to leave, you can contact a shelter. It's nice in a way because you will have other girls in the same situation trying to make a difference in their lives. However, there are some trouble makers that you may want to stay away as well...
Trust me, it took me a very long time to come to this conclusion. I have been visiting this site for over 3 years by now... This is not an easy decision to make. Good luck!
My therapist also had me make a list of what I wanted in a partner and in a relationship and he fell short. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but then he says he can't change and it's not fair to ask him to. Things have gotten so ugly in recent months - how can I take back a man who has threatened the worst things possible? I've seen some real ugliness from him and I don't know if I could ever trust him again or feel close to him again.
I know I've been unhappy for awhile but I wasn't sure what the problem was - if it was my marriage or what.Just six months I never truly saw myself divorced.But it's like my eyes got opened one day and I saw the way he really is. I don't think there is anyway to go back to viewing him the way I once did once reality sunk in.
Sorry I've rambled. Thanks,
Kelly
Kelly, I know what you're going through somewhat - I want to leave too (see my other post) but am stalling. I swear he is/has cheating/cheated on me, but despite hiring a PI I still have no proof. My counselor also makes me wonder - trying to tell me that I need to stand up for myself and that I don't really know that he is cheating, making me second guess myself too. All I know is that when I stand up for myself, he trivializes it or puts it back on me, expressing no remorse when I say he hurt me in some way. He is incredibly distant and sometimes just plain mean and never wants to do anything with DD and I. I even have horrible thoughts of smothering him with a pillow when laying next to him or secretly hoping he'd get hit by a bus - how awful is that? I even mentioned how we were distant from each other and maybe we should talk to someone, but he did not respond to that.
I've been putting up with his treatment for the last three years, it seems. He's trying to please parents who can't be pleased, and so I get the blame for his failings. He learned narcissism and emotional abuse from the master of both of those, his mother. There is no way he will change, right? He can get treatment for depression, but that's not going to change the underlying personality, right?
It's so bad that I realized he was the constant in my never ending depression (despite counseling and meds). I even dread the weekends and hate to be home. If it weren't for the dogs, DD and I would never be home, it seems. And yet I'm stalling - what's wrong with me? DD would be better off, right?
Your H sounds a lot like mine. I think you will act, you're just working up to it. I have spent a lot of time questioning whether my H will change. From what I read it's highly unlikely.My therapist thinks that's it possible he can change, but she doesn't know if he ever will. At this point mine has said that he can't change. I know I need to leave for the sake of my child (and me too), but it is still hard. What helps is that each day I keep pushing myself. I remind myself that my daughter will be better off. And I also keep reminding myself of all the bad stuff that he's done.But still I hope I can follow through with it. It's just hard leaving someone you considered your beest friend, your partner.
I had posted on your other post but didn't realize u were already seeing a counselor. I have a friend who says her counselor made her second guess herself too. I think maybe they just do that to help you think things through. But still it's causing me even more grief. She's making it even tougher.
Kelly
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